Wow, you guys it’s almost the end of November! WTF and where does the time even go? Life is like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button…Anyway just some random thoughts. I realize that for my American Escapees it is was a big week for y’all. Giving thanks and eating good food, sharing joy, love and laughter…always a good idea.
I was just sitting here reflecting on my divorce. I can’t believe the lingering effects it has had. Although changing my life was the best thing I’ve done, it wasn’t easy and I hope I don’t give that impression. For reasons I can’t go into detail here, my divorce caused quite the tidal wave of change and the water is still washing over. I found out a lot of things about people that I should have known better. Still, it’s these life events that constantly teach us and make us look at things we otherwise want to ignore.
I was sitting at the table with my Beau, eating a chicken burger from White Spot, sucking back a chocolate shake and oddly not even caring what would happen to my ass or thighs as a result. I stared into space and said something like: “I gave and I gave. What did I get in return?”
He replied “Nothing.”
We kept on chewing. Sharing our fries and silent thoughts. My eyes teared up just a little. Not enough to spill because I’ve spilled too many as it is. Just watered up eyes enough to remind me I have feelings. I hurt.
I gave and gave when I was married. Always making sure everyone was happy. I lost me by listening to what everyone else wanted me to be. In the end, I felt taken advantage. I felt used. Ya know what? I feel even more used now.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet (and I’m sure you have) all these self empowerment posts are as much for me as for you. Because not only have I been there but I’m still there. I’m still figuring this all out.
***
I wrote that last weekend with the intention of posting Tuesday but I didn’t have the guts or the time…so today I’m just finishing this little message from the heart. Where was I? Oh, ya…lingering effects of divorce or any life changing event. Life isn’t one event that happens and then gets resolved and tidied up by the end of the story, like a feature film. Instead, life is a process with intermingling events that may take years to get resolved (if they ever do).
[ctt title=”When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it can cause a hurricane on the other side.” tweet=”When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it can cause a hurricane on the other side. @lisalisathom http://ctt.ec/VQdO3+” coverup=”VQdO3″] I don’t remember who said that but it resonates.
All I can say is this: Some days, weeks or even months can be filled with failure. Last week was one of those for me. Although I can’t go into detail about it at this point (I will one day), let’s just say I was defeated. It was tough. I spent a day thinking of all the things I should have said. Don’t you hate that?
The funny thing about it is it’s only the beginning. It’s far from over. Still, I can say that if we never try anything, if we never go ‘out on a limb’, move out of our comfort zone, challenge ourselves, then we never improve.
If we never try, then we are in the same position we were in yesterday. It’s worth it then, to feel the sweaty palms of defeat and to know that we did our best. Our best may not be good enough this time, but eventually it will be so we don’t give up.
With that in mind, let’s turn to lighter thoughts. I’d like to do a quick round up of sorts.
I’m listening to Adele right now. What do you think of her new song Hello?
I read this post on adult children of Parental Alienation, an insightful read and one I highly recommend for any parent going through it.
I’m watching Life In Pieces, a new family show that will make you laugh without the cheesy laugh track.
I received this wonderful message from one of my Escapees:
“I just wanted to thank you for all the advice you’ve given me through the blog and personal email in the past couple of years…Now I wait a little longer and then I’m fully and completely free of my ex forever!..”
That’s why I wrote the book and work on this little blog, so that message couldn’t have come at a better time. On the heels of my defeat there was a silver lining. We have to look for SILVER LININGS.
How are you this week? Have you tried and failed only to eventually succeed with flying colors? I’d love to hear your stories!
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sherill
January 10, 2016 at 8:13 pmHi, I feel every single word you said, to give and give and nothing in return, why do we do this? because we love and cared for them, to make them happy, it hurts to feel unappreciated but learning from the lessons life has taught us will make us stronger, will give us more opportunities, will give us more positive perspective in life, let us always see the good in every bad situation, appreciate the small blessings we have, and look forward to a brighter new tomorrow. Thanks for sharing. Beautiful post.
lisa
March 21, 2016 at 9:38 amHi Sherill, why do we do this? Ahhhh, I’m not sure but we do our best and LOVE and give…that’s not wrong. But when it’s never or rarely appreciated? That’s when it’s wrong. Your comment is a perfect reminder, Sherill and I thank you for this:
“let us always see the good in every bad situation, appreciate the small blessings we have, and look forward to a brighter new tomorrow. Thanks for sharing. Beautiful post.”
Jane Thrive
December 8, 2015 at 4:58 pmHi Lisa,
I hear you on so many levels. I tried and tried and turned myself inside out and it still didn’t make my marriage work, I believed so hard that love could transform my broken exhusband. And that by loving him the way that I did, it would transform me from being a victim into something else.
And i learned that love does transform people, but only if they let themselves open up to love and to healing and changes that they can accept. I’m still healing as I move forward–as for my ex, I learned he was no longer my responsibility.
I also had a day like you described your ‘week’–and can’t believe that today I dont’ feel at all as defeated as i did then…
life is so complicated. and then some days it’s so easy. and then it’s complicated again.
thank you so much for sharing your stories and also your hope and your passages of empowerment. they really resonate! hugs!
lisa
March 21, 2016 at 9:36 amHi Jane, thank you for sharing your experience. (somehow I missed your comment) Sorry I’m late to publish and reply to this. Exactly. A marriage takes two people trying not always one or the same one. Your wisdom is expressed so beautifully with this “And i learned that love does transform people, but only if they let themselves open up to love and to healing and changes that they can accept.” YES!! xo
Charlotte
December 7, 2015 at 7:27 amI hardly know where to start with this post… I have so many feelings!
I understand completely what you mean. I think it’s easy to feel defeated when a relationship ends… and as though we gave SO MUCH but received little in return. THAT is the worst feeling isn’t it? But in the end, I have to think that every relationship, whether it works out or not, teaches us something monumentally important in the end, so it’s not all for naught. Sometimes it just takes us a bit longer to process these feelings/emotions. Take ALL THE TIME you need, my friend. There is no timeframe. And I know it’s discouraging, but you have a community of friends here always willing to lend an ear, a shoulder, kind words of support.
Love you and sending so many good thoughts your way.
I friggin love Adele. Haven’t heard her whole album yet, but LOVE Hello, regardless of how many times I’ve heard it on the radio 🙂
lisa
December 8, 2015 at 9:36 amHi Charlotte, thank you for your thoughtful words. I agree that all relationships teach us something, especially the ones that fail. This is more about the tentacles of my divorce rather than the actual divorce. I know it’s bizarre but since my divorce was settled in 2012 lots of other things have fallen apart as a result. Of course, many things have fallen together, too!! 🙂 It’s always better to focus on the good! I really appreciate your support, Charlotte and all of the comments I get here from my blog friends really add so much!
I’m not even sick of that Adele song <3 I think the whole album is supposed to be great.
Vanessa D.
December 4, 2015 at 6:48 pmI think long after we find happiness and move on with our lives, regrets and sadness, even anger, over the failures linger. Sure we want to move past the wallowing in it stage, but I think we’re still allowed to have our regrets, our sadness and even our anger. It is our experience and our history, we can hold onto that without letting it stop us from moving on.
lisa
December 5, 2015 at 9:44 amThank you for saying this, Vanessa. People often think we should forgive, have zero anger or sadness but that’s not reality. As long as we’re finding joy or some gratitude everyday, then we’re not wallowing—just dealing with things.
Vishnu
December 3, 2015 at 9:03 pm“All these empowerment posts are for me as much as they are for you”. Understood, resonates and relates to me 100% Lisa to my own blog and writing:) Also, appreciate your message of not giving, up, staying resilient and moving forward. Healing from divorce is like taking 10 steps forward, 15 back and then 18 forward lol thank you for sharing your story, your struggles and your message of hope. As Adele would otherwise say…”hello…:) “
lisa
December 5, 2015 at 9:42 amHello… 🙂 You’ve said that so well Vishnu—10 steps forward, 15 back. Yes, your posts are similar with a really positive outlook <3. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your message of encouragement.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
December 2, 2015 at 9:20 pmI’m so sorry you had a rough week. Hope things are better now for you. And yes, I love the new Adele song!
lisa
December 5, 2015 at 9:40 amThank you, Marcia. It certainly is better this week 🙂
Stella Chiu
December 1, 2015 at 4:14 pmHi, Lisa
Divorce is painful. People say that time heals everything, I believe it is true to some degree only in divorce. The feeling of hurt and betray still lingers in me after 12 years.
But life goes on, we can make use of the experience to pick ourselves up, and try again. We also can use the experience to help others with the same situation.
Love the video and song.
– Stella Chiu
lisa
December 2, 2015 at 9:49 amHi Stella, I agree that some of the hurt lingers. Unfortunately, I have learned that there are different types of divorce. There’s the marital divorce. The friendship divorce. There’s even a family divorce. They can all be connected.
This “But life goes on, we can make use of the experience to pick ourselves up, and try again”—YES. Nicely said, Stella.
Abby@midlifecrisisnut.com
December 1, 2015 at 11:59 amI feel your pain, Lisa! That feeling of giving and never receiving. It’s a relationship I have with a relative, where it’s all about that person and I’m basically non-existent, except when they need a servant:) Very insightful and meaningful post!
xx Abby
lisa
December 2, 2015 at 9:45 amThat’s a terrible place to be, Abby. Sometimes it takes years of giving before we realize the receiving isn’t even close to equal…Thank you for popping over!
Brenda Pace
December 1, 2015 at 10:13 amHi Lisa,
Unfortunately, there will always be something to bring back memories of your divorce, things said and not said. Just as I will always be reminded of how easily my hubs was ready to trash our marriage over 2 years ago for a fling with a high school gf. Time can help us heal, but we never forget.
Sending hugs your way girly. Muwah!
B
lisa
December 2, 2015 at 9:44 amNo, we never forget. Forgive? Yes but forget? Not possible. I think the fact that your marriage survived that is a testament to its strength. Hugs to you! Muwah.
Tamara
December 1, 2015 at 7:07 amI love Life in Pieces! Truly funny. And “Hello” came on today while we were driving to school. The kids seemed immersed. Either that or they were spacing out on being tired!
Divorce makes people weird. Other people. I don’t really get it. Maybe they’re afraid it’s contagious or something. Or that it says something about them that they don’t want to face.
lisa
December 1, 2015 at 8:23 amHi Tamara, I know—isn’t that show great? It’s really fun and fast paced, a different feel to the usual comedy on TV. It’s hard to resist the Adele. I think children pick up on the emotion of music more than we do. Ha! “Divorce makes people weird. Other people.” I couldn’t have said that better. You’ve hit the nail on the head 🙂
marie kléber
December 1, 2015 at 2:45 amThank you for being so honest Lisa. I think that we all write for others and for us too. We are on this journey together. We encourage each other.
I definitely understand that some days are ok, even wonderfully beautiful, while others are tough and teary.
Divorce is a painful experience. But by sharing your story you are giving us hope and you are helping us to follow our path, to find our truth.
You’ll get there. We’ll get there together Lisa. Take care of yourself.
lisa
December 1, 2015 at 8:20 amThank you, Marie! So true that we will get there…maybe we already are there most days. Divorce is painful and I’ve learned that divorce can apply to other relationships not just the end of a marriage. I am flattered by your words that my story is helping you and others follow your path—how beautiful. Hugs to you!!
Balroop Singh
November 30, 2015 at 10:56 pmHi Lisa,
There are such days dear friend when we feel low, when we think over and over to determine whether the decisions we made at that point of time were right…it is just our mind playing tricks, just a lurking fear trying to raise its head.
It could be triggered by a little moment, some random thought and the whole confidence gets shattered but don’t forget…this is also a fleeting moment. we are what we make ourselves. Past tries to steal away our joyous moments but shoving it away is very much in our hands and the realities NEVER change.
Self-love is greater than self-compassion. I hope you pour out your thoughts one day and feel lighter. Love and hugs.
lisa
December 1, 2015 at 8:18 amThank you Balroop! Yes, we have the power to push the past away to ensure it isn’t stealing from our present. I definitely will be writing about this situation in the future. Maybe it will be another book…
Your words really ring true and remind me this is only a moment in time. Thanks for your encouragement, Balroop! xo
Chrys Fey
November 30, 2015 at 8:26 pmMy sister is through this now…she’s realizing how much she put into he marriage and that she got nothing back. And how he’s acting with the divorce, she’s feeling that he’s using her even more. It’s sad to see. And I can do little to change it.
Thank you for sharing with us your story in all of your posts. Although I’m not an escapee. I’m using these to help one.
lisa
November 30, 2015 at 9:58 pmAw, Chrys that’s so hard to watch your sister go through that. I have to say that it’s a normal part of the process to feel anger and that you got nothing…the grieving process goes through all the stages. All you can do is be there for your sister. There isn’t much else. Just a hug and a phone call…
p.s. I consider you an Escapee!
My Inner Chick
November 30, 2015 at 3:35 pmYou give so much, my darling &
I feel your warmth and love all way over here.
Thank you! thank you for your beautiful support.
And Adele…
O. M. Goooooooooooooooooooooooosh.
I just fall apart.
I fall APART.
that’s all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
lisa
November 30, 2015 at 8:28 pmAw, Kim thank you so much and back at ya. xoxoxo Isn’t that song a killer? I’m probably adding to the over play by posting it here but what the heck. I love ADELE!
Michelle
November 30, 2015 at 2:30 pmOh Lisa, you were, are now, and will continue to be a bright light for so many people! I stumbled across your blog when I was lost, desperate, and just. Needed.help. And i know you’re real…you fall, sometimes in the same damned holes you’ve crawled out of and swear you’ll never ever fall in ’em again. God knows I keep doing it too, but the falls are fewer and farther between…and when I crawl out, I know I’m still on the right path.
Thank you for being human, for sometimes being raw and open, sometimes being lighthearted and happy, but ALWAYS being human.
Hugs hugs hugs…you have my email whenever it’s YOUR turn. My upswings often seem to come in time to catch another survivors’ slight (or full-on) decent.
Your pen pal and friend,
Michelle
lisa
November 30, 2015 at 8:17 pmOh, Michelle, thank you so much for your kind and beautiful words!
this: “My upswings often seem to come in time to catch another survivors’ slight (or full-on) decent.”
That’s so true and i appreciate the positive feedback you have given me. Reaching out really makes a difference! Thank you!! <3<3<3 (I wish my site posted hearts!)
Harleena Singh
November 30, 2015 at 9:26 amHi Lisa,
Happy Monday, and lovely post as always 🙂
Yes, time is like the river – it just flows and there is nothing we can do to stop it. I wish we could though at times, but just never happens. That’s why it’s said to make most of the moment, every single bit of it to be valued.
Yes, we start a new month tomorrow, but the last of this year! It just ended so soon! True, we all go through ups and downs, and such is life – sometimes you experience the highs and sometimes lows. Just learn to make the most of it, isn’t it? Lovely video in the end.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
lisa
November 30, 2015 at 8:14 pmHi Harleena, yes it would be nice if we could slow it down or speed it up accordingly. No such luck though 🙂 Up and then DOWN—yup that’s life. Nice to see your smiling face!