You’ll notice I didn’t ask about a second marriage because that’s practically a Gimme. It’s expected, even. It’s considered a sign of moving on. A third marriage? That’s more like a Mulligan (you will use it judicially and with caution). Why the golf analogy, you may be wondering. I don’t even know, it just popped into my head. Maybe because my ex was an avid golfer.
But back to third marriages, some say “third time lucky” but I’m more skeptical. If you’ve shanked your first two attempts at this institution, should you really keep trying and furthermore continue to drag a second person into your sub-par game of marital woes?
What are your thoughts on this over optimistic choice to marry a third time when the first two ended in divorce?
Maybe a bride or groom are widowed and therefore that ending of the previous marriage was, sadly, by default and not divorce. In that case maybe another marriage is a healthy choice. Though, if someone has been widowed twice over, that’s another set of circumstances that may bring into question the choice to marry a third time.
Or, perhaps like me, one marital party became a golf widow. This is the spouse of an avid golfer who finds themselves spending inordinate amounts of time alone. This type of widowhood can be very frustrating as the spouse is still alive and well but mostly absent.
I used to joke that I didn’t have enough holes to keep my husband properly entertained. Trust me, you cannot compete with eighteen holes. While he used to joke at the ‘bag drop’…that he was dropping his bag. Get it? I was the bag. I was recently thinking how tired that joke had been even the first time I heard it. But I digress.
I have a friend who became a fourth wife when she married eight years ago. It’s her first marriage. He’s a very charming, very tall man who belies his age. They are going strong. Is this a fourth time lucky situation (for him)? The bride’s father confessed to me that he was delighted that she was very happy and he couldn’t help but love his new son-in-law. But he was initially questioning the fact the his three previous marriages failed. Was his daughter’s marriage doomed before it began, based on the Groom’s history?
I suggest that isn’t necessarily the case. Besides, no one knows how or why someone’s seemingly perfect marriage comes to an end, furthermore, it’s none of our business. All we can do is smile and nod. But when it comes to our own choices, would we go in a third time?
Tell me, what are your thoughts on third marriages? Another Gimme or are they actually a rare opportunity to take another Drive—a fair Mulligan.
Gimme-when the ball is so close to the hole on the putting green that the player doesn’t have to play it to consider it ‘holed’, so he picks his ball up and counts a stroke for the putt he didn’t actually do.
Mulligan-a recreational golfer is allowed to re-do their drive after a failed attempt. This is typically only given once during the game.
Shank-when the golfer hits the ball in the ‘wrong’ spot and results in a sharp right curve, landing the ball in the rough, or the woods or being lost altogether.
Drive-the first shot at each hole, know as the tee-off.
Eighteen Holes-the standard golf course offers 18 holes and most serious golfers prefer eighteen over nine holes.
Bag Drop-the place where golfers can drop their golf bags (or spouse) then proceed to park their car.
Would you marry a third time? Share your thoughts in the comments.
image source Unsplash.com
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October 23, 2019 at 10:00 am[…] What are your thoughts on this over optimistic choice to marry a third time when the first two ended in divorce? Head over and let Lisa know: https://www.lisathomsonlive.com/third-marriages-yeah-or-nay/ […]
Sally Cronin
October 21, 2019 at 1:41 amI was married for a total of 7 years the first time (I broke a mirror) although I got out after four years because of the abusive nature of the relationship..I was very wary but after three years and when divorced, despite myself.. I got engaged on our first date and married six weeks later. We celebrate 39 years in November. I do know there are two sides to the story, but interestingly over the years of listening to home town gossip, my ex went on to have several relationships and marriages lasting 4 years. I think as you say there are various reasons for the possibility of a third marriage and all need to be weighed up carefully, and certainly two previous unexplained demises might raise a red flag or ten! thanks for an interesting post Lisa…
lisa
October 21, 2019 at 4:45 pmHi Sally, you have a very interesting story. LOL about the broken mirror. So, it was love at first sight for your second and still going, marriage. Fantastic!
It’s funny because we expect people to remarry once. A second marriage is practically expected but a third is often frowned upon…because too many divorces means there is something wrong. Like many others who have commented though, the third marriage seems to be the charm. Nice to see you, Sally and thanks for stopping over!
Chrys Fey
September 4, 2019 at 9:57 amI don’t have experience with even a first marriage, but my mom was married and divorced twice. For her, she says she’d never want to do it again. lol
lisa
September 5, 2019 at 10:14 amYa, I get that! I would feel the same. You’ll probably end up marrying a Donovan type 🙂
Mabel Kwong
August 31, 2019 at 6:26 amWell, that was quite the golf joke, Lisa. I guess it depends on what each of us think about marriage. Some of us might be eternally hopefully and would hold out for the right person and if it doesn’t work out, end it and look towards someone else. Life changes, people change, and so some may be okay with marriage and breakups. For others, the grief of divorce might always be there and perhaps too overwhelming to ever think about getting hitched again. And then there are those of us who don’t think marriage is for us and instead you can be committed without signing a piece of paper.
lisa
August 31, 2019 at 9:28 amyes, I’m with you on not needing a piece of paper. Hope you had a little chuckle, Mabel. 😀
Jane Thrive
August 28, 2019 at 10:35 amHi Lisa!
As a person who is living in a third marriage, I will definitely say it took some retrospection, lots of healing therapy (and I’m still on the healing path), and the right circumstances for me to even consider tying the knot. Part of it is our age, part of it is learning from my relationships and patterns and working on my healing. I was fully not planning on getting married a second time, and definitely not a third time. I learned that my pattern with 1 and 2 was accepting the love I thought i deserved, unresolved issues of attachment that let me accept that anger or ‘paying a price’ was the ‘cost’ of love. that it was normal. It took me those two marriages to understand that. (first one had a love of guns and other unhealthy behaviors–it was shortlived, no children thank goodness, and you know all about my second one! uggggghhh).
I think, in many situations in life, it’s easier to make comments and jokes and even side-eyes than actually to “live” in another’s shoes. I really do try and take a step back and be more accepting of different circumstances that are nothing like my own. However, I’m definitely **not** perfect at that!! LOL. So i smile and laugh along with people make jokes about third time’s a charm. It’s not really a charm, it’s intention and love and healing work and intimacy work, and commitment. For us, it’s also age that comes with experience and experience that comes with age — that help…
So all this said, I tread very carefully, I still work on trust issues that this marriage is going to work, accept my flaws and his and continue to work on my healing. Do my best to stay in the moment and sometimes use RBG’s marriage advice about how sometimes you have to “be a little bit deaf” (i.e. don’t sweat the small stuff, lol), and humor. I’m really lucky I found my hubby. I’ve been married to him the longest so I think that’s a good sign, ha ha ha! We eloped, just us and my girls and it was the best ever. He is my first “grown up” spouse–and that alone has changed the marriage equation for us, let alone all of his other awesome attributes like his sweetness, laughter, willingness to work on himself, commitment to be a better ‘us,’ loving my girls, dedication to be our provider in all the ways that a hubby and stepfather can be…it’s totally a different world.
<3 <3 <3
p.s. my mom was married three times as well (first marriage ended in divorce because he came out of the closet, long story; second one ended because he passed from cancer), and i think her third hubby is the reason why i was finally able to understand that love wasn't supposed to have a cost. i had never in my life seen my mom as happy as she was when she was with him. because every day, i kid you not, he woke up with one thought foremost in his head: what could he do to make my mom happy.
*swoon* sadly, he also passed from cancer just before my DD1 turned 2…
anyway, sorry for the long comment! I hope it's helpful and gives another view of our world that we live in. Love and hugs to you!!! <3 <3 <3
lisa
August 28, 2019 at 4:00 pmHi Jane, your perspective is valuable so never apologize for a long comment 🙂 You are in good company here as quite a few commenters are in a successful third marriage, and/or know someone who is. Sounds like you’ve made a good decision and you’re a reminder to me not to jump to conclusions re: men who are trying for a third time. I heard a saying somewhere that the first marriage we marry our parent, the second marriage we marry for passion and our third marriage is to our best friend. Some people get the last two in one go but not always.
I can understand your trust issues from the past relationship. As we know, starting a new relationship doesn’t erase the previous one 😛 I am so happy for you, Jane! If you hadn’t taken the chance, then you would be missing out. It’s interesting about your mom and so wonderful that she got to experience that true love.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences here. They will inspire other women!
Jane Thrive
September 4, 2019 at 10:22 amAwww, thank you, Lisa! You are awesomeness. p.s. and i forgot to say your exie was 😛 with his golf bag joke. _____ him!!!!!!
I’m so glad you’re in a better place now!!! <3 <3 <3 Love and hugs!!
lisa
September 5, 2019 at 10:15 am😛 😛 😛 <3
Charlotte
August 25, 2019 at 1:39 pmOh, it’s so so great to be back here, Lisa. I’ve missed you–and your writing–so much <3
Also eye roll at the ex's ball dropping joke. That would have been played out the first time I heard it, too.
Oddly, I just had a conversation with a friend over lunch about this topic earlier today. She's dating a man who has been married twice over. It gives her pause, but she's thoroughly in love and he has expressed the same. It seems he was practically a baby for his first marriage, and the bride got pregnant for #2. Personally, I probably would have reservations, too, if a man I was dating was in many marriages previously, but at the same time, I get that circumstances vary case by case, like in the widow example you mentioned above. If a man is a widow more than once, however, I would probably have to sleep with one eye open. Kidding. Kind of 🙂
Sending much <3 and great to be back! XO
lisa
August 27, 2019 at 3:23 pmThank you, Charlotte. so nice to see you!
Right? 😛 😛 😛
Yes, each circumstance is individual but I would investigate a bit before committing. Especially if he’s been widowed twice. Ha. Hope you’re having a great summer although it is concluding fast.
Christine Carter
August 25, 2019 at 8:12 amI love how you used the golf game for reference, Lisa. And the irony is NOT lost on me that your x was an avid golfer who often chose the game over you. Well “played” my friend! lol
Yeah, I really do think it’s a very circumstantial thing- with any marriage really. You never know when love can find a way into someone’s life- no matter the age or the history of their lives. But I would wonder about marriage #3 if the first two didn’t end well.
lisa
August 25, 2019 at 9:05 amLOL—good one, Chris! Yeah, exactly. And yet a second marriage seems quite natural. I wouldn’t bother a third time. I would guess my luck had run out Ha!
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
August 24, 2019 at 6:20 pmInteresting topic. I’ll never say never, but at least at this point in my life, I can’t see myself getting married a third time. I would probably just decide that marriage and I aren’t a good fit.
lisa
August 25, 2019 at 9:04 amI definitely feel the same, Suzanne. 🙂
Vishnu
August 22, 2019 at 8:47 pmI need to get up to speed on number 2 and then can answer this question better. lol
I’m kind of enjoying this trend of marrying less and partnering up more.
Is this the future of relationships? We stay together for some time and then move on without the pomp and circumstance of a wedding ceremony? More of a question I’m asking 🙂
lisa
August 23, 2019 at 9:06 amYES, Vishnu. I believe that’s the best way to approach relationships after divorce. Forever is a long time and not necessarily realistic, so why put that pressure on a relationship repeatedly? Partnering up is a great idea and may not even mean co-habitation 😛 😛 😛 Maybe it’s just having fun together, being good friends with benefits and having someone you can trust and rely on. So many options!
Eli@CoachDaddy
August 22, 2019 at 11:39 amI don’t believe in gimmies and I don’t believe in mulligans. I believe you play the ball where it lies and you follow through. Life has no gimmies. I can’t almost work 40 hours and get a check. Almost cook the chicken to temperature and serve a great meal. Almost shave my face and not look like a raggamuffin. You get the picture.
That said, I think it’s all about where the ball lies. If it takes you one swing to get to the green, or three, or even seven. (You’ll be on the news then.) I feel it’s like a coin flip – each is independent of the events that happened with the previous one. (To an extent. A great enough extent to warrant that we just don’t count, whether it’s 2 or 3 or 4.)
lisa
August 23, 2019 at 9:03 amHa! Great points well taken, Eli. So, it depends on the couple because everyone is different, just like a golf swing or a whole golf game.
Kim Sisto Robinson
August 20, 2019 at 10:32 amI know somebody who just married for the 3rd time.
I’ve never seen anybody so happy 🙂
Hope it works out cuz I’m sick of buying him wedding gifts! LOL xxx
lisa
August 21, 2019 at 5:02 pmLOL! Ppl should really say no gifts for a 3rd wedding. It’s always nice to see people happy. Maybe this will be a third time lucky situation. xx
marcia @ Menopausal Mother
August 18, 2019 at 9:40 amI am dying over the “holes” comment! You are so clever, Lisa!!
lisa
August 18, 2019 at 12:06 pmyay Marcia! The first to comment on the humor in this 😛 Hahahaha. Love you.
DGKaye
August 16, 2019 at 1:25 pmI think it totally depends on the circumstances, and maybe age. You can’t blame someone if they were widowed. But I would be leery of someone going on marriage 3. I’d sure do a lot of background checks to see if he were the common denominator for failed marriages. As for me, I lived on my own for many years before I decided to take the plunge. I love my husband dearly and wouldn’t want to be without him. But I can say for sure that if something ever happened to him and I was left behind, I’d have zero intentions of ever marrying again, lol. 🙂
lisa
August 16, 2019 at 10:09 pmTrue, Deb. Background checks would be essential. I thought the same thing. Maybe meeting previous wives would be a clue to what’s ahead, LOL. Yes, you have a sweet marriage, Deb. You got it right the first time.
Tamara Bowman
August 16, 2019 at 11:39 amUgh about your ex’s “bag drop”! Ok, I think it’s fully circumstantial. One of my sets of in-laws are happily 25 years married and it’s third for both. They both married young and had kids and those both ended in divorce. With both, their second spouses passed away.
I do agree that it would’ve been different if it had been two divorces.
lisa
August 16, 2019 at 1:51 pmRight? 😛 😛 😛 I love to hear stories like that, Tamara. It’s heartwarming to know that it can work out a second or third time around.
Balroop Singh
August 16, 2019 at 8:39 amIf two marriages have failed, I doubt a third one would work out. Some celebrities don’t care and don’t even seem to count though! But who are we to judge…each person has his/her own perspective toward this institution, which has lost its sanctity in modern times. People make jokes about it yet dive into it headlong.
I would recommend a third time if they are looking for companionship in old age…when egos subside and support seems essential.
lisa
August 16, 2019 at 1:50 pmYes, that’s true about the celebrity life…for some reason they cannot be single. 😛 Good tip about companionship in old age. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Balroop <3