“Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight?”

The words to that old Elvis song always tug at my heartstrings. I picture my grandmother mending socks, humming along to this song playing on her kitchen radio. She became a widow quite young. She wasn’t even 60 yet. She lived alone until the day she died (excluding her final years in a care home).

One of the hardest adjustments during divorce, is finding yourself alone. Alone. Just that simple word conjures up all kinds of not so nice feelings. When you’re alone, is it because no one wants you?

image source Unsplash by Christopher Harris

I’m  re-posting an updated, yet classic from the archives.

One of the biggest changes during divorce is losing the marital home, which I have written about before here.

It’s a loss that isn’t easy to swallow for many couples who have taken pride in their home. Dare I say, they’ve considered their home something of a status symbol or a page out of a decorating magazine? That will all change. You’ll see though, that what really matters isn’t the shell of a home but who and what is inside it.

image source; dreamstime

At the risk of sounding smug, I’d like to warn  of these common divorce mistakes (a few that I’ve made myself). These are only a sampling of many mistakes we make but I’ve narrowed it down to the top five. So, this is a quick and dirty list of what not to do during your divorce.

image source rodeo.net

Are you inked?  If not, are you thinking about getting a tattoo?  Are these thoughts connected to an event in your life such as divorce, marriage, death, love?

It’s human nature to want to mark an event with a celebration or a ceremony and sometimes with INK.

image source Dreamstime

One of the biggest changes during divorce is losing the marital home, which I have written about before here.

It’s a loss that isn’t easy to swallow for many couples who have taken pride in their home. Dare I say, they’ve considered their home something of a status symbol or a page out of a decorating magazine? That will all change. You’ll see though that what really matters isn’t the shell of a home but who and what is inside it.

image source; collider film review. Will Ferrel in Everything Must Go

Letting go of our stuff is one of the steps to moving forward but how and when can we do this? That’s the tricky part and there isn’t one perfect answer. Each of us hold different attachments to our things, stuff. We all have various degrees of emotional attachment.  At the outset of divorce we can be a little too hasty in discarding our old life. Until some time passes, we don’t know what these items will mean to us. What memory will they evoke or what part of ourselves will they represent. if any? If you’re not sure right now, then keep them and let some time pass before revisiting their worth.

image source creative commons

Who’s that girl? They whisper as you walk away. “I used to know her when…” Reluctant to look you in the eye, they’ll watch you walk away. Their eyes burn your back. Talking to one another in hushed tones, they lean together conspiratorially. You would smile and say hello if only they would acknowledge you. Even so, you walk away with your head held high.

Memory sketch of the back view of our old home

On facebook the other day, a divorced father and friend of mine (from one of the first divorce support groups I belonged to) posted an interesting set of photos. The status update read “went to see the old house today with the kids. We peeked inside the windows and went in the backyard. I planted that tree and look how big it is now.” He had some of his old photos mixed in with photos he took of the kids beside the tree today. I thought it was really great how he had images of 10 years ago and today, how the kids and trees had grown. Bitter-sweet, I think.

It got me thinking about my recent view of my old marital home, where my babies were born. I didn’t get to walk around and peek in windows. My view was a virtual one. I couldn’t see the back of the house but this sketch is from memory. It’s obvious I’m not an architect 😉 I must practice my sketching skills but I digress.

“Lisa, you’ve changed.” he said. I wanted to answer;

“Yes, you’ve changed me.” Instead, I simply stared and waited for him to finish his point, which he did not.

I won’t say who said it or when. I will say that it’s been said by more than one person. I will also say that it’s true. I have changed. Since when? I’m not sure…but I have changed. Here’s the thing, I’m a human being. I’m not an inanimate object. If I’m not changing then I must be dead.

It’s okay to change isn’t it?

image source pinterest

Isn’t it true that we have to go through something to really understand it? We can plan and have opinions about something but until it happens to us we don’t grasp the full concept. Divorce is no different. I guess it’s a little like death of a loved one. Again, it’s something we have to go through, get to the other side before we understand it.