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I haven’t actually written about the end of my divorce. I’ve written about the beginning and the middle in my book and here, on the blog. But I think the story of the end of a divorce can be just as interesting as the story of how it all began.
The end, for me was kind of surreal. The official process began before the fire and concluded three months later. I tend to mark things that happened that year as before and after the fire. And yes, I refer to the end of my divorce as a process in and of itself because as much as we wish it would end already, the end has a beginning and a middle, too. Another thing about endings? They can be false.
In May, 2012, 7 years after my ex and I separated, his lawyer sent me an email saying he accepted my offer. I was elated. This meant that his client accepted the final deal after many attempts (on both sides) at settlement, a divorce trial, a divorce appeal and much intermittent negotiations. Lots can happen in 7 years time, and not all of it good.
Later, when we were staying at the family property due to being displaced from the fire, my ex’s lawyer contacted me and told me that I must sign an Affidavit stating I did not have legal representation. Meanwhile, he was drafting up the official settlement. This was six weeks after the offer was officially ‘accepted’. These are the wheels of lawyers…slowly turning.
At that time, Maintenance Enforcement for the Province was just beginning their ‘investigation’ into my file. I was paying and always had paid, my child support for my son. However, the Provincial department for collections was confused and thought I might be a deadbeat. I wasn’t. However, try telling them that. You see, they took over the file from Alberta where I used to live. When large bureaucracies take over files, it can be extremely muddled.
So, it was another monkey on my back while I was so close to the finish line.
Getting back to the final deal, my ex’s lawyer correctly insisted, again, that I have a lawyer sign off and review the actual document. So, I called my matrimonial lawyer because he told me many months prior that he owed me a favor. Ya know, no one thinks they’ll ever get called on their favors. But I did call him and he said he would be happy to read the document. He was leaving for holidays the next day (I just caught him) but he would do it for me before he left. I thanked my lawyer profusely. He was really kind to honor his favor. I’ll never forget that.
The very next day he explained that simply put, this document meant that neither my ex nor I could come back to each other for anything at a later date. He could win the lottery for example, and I couldn’t come knocking on his door for my share 😉 I was okay with that in a big way.
That was in late July, 2012. Finally, in September I received the final draft of the settlement agreement. I promptly sent it for a final check from my matrimonial lawyer.
It was now over 7 years after we separated. I ran to the Notary to sign off. I felt light and happy but wait… Screeeech on the brakes.
The Notary wouldn’t deal with me because he said he “didn’t handle family issues”. My eyes got big in disbelief. “What?!” I said. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the collar, cowboy style. You mean to tell me I just spent seven years trying to get here, to this exact place and you WON’T help me? I said that inside my head.
So I got in my car and drove to the next town. I found a Notary who would accept my signature on a final and unusual divorce settlement. One in which I had no lawyer present. They were happy to oblige. No questions asked. I was happy to NOT have to explain that this process had been going on for seven years and trust me, I knew what I was doing and didn’t just fall off the ‘divorce wagon’ yesterday…
So, with “Somebody I used to Know” playing on the radio I drove to my temporary home (we were looking for a new place to live—after the fire) with the signed and notarized document on my passenger side seat. A hard won document, I might add. Oh, the freedom and joy I felt was astonishing. I felt unburdened.
I received a letter the following year, from the Bureaucracy that is the Family Maintenance, explaining my file was now officially closed. It was indeed over. Exhale. I almost framed that letter. Instead I burned it.
As things were settled between us personally, there was still the matter of the lawsuit my ex brought against the family business and me. It took another 6 months for that to settle. I agreed with my family on anything they needed to seal the deal with my ex. I was happy for them and for me that it was finally coming to a close. I signed on the dotted line. I felt again, this emotional freedom that I hadn’t felt in eight years.
It was May, 2013 and I remember sitting outside at the local cafe, holding my cup of coffee and simply observing not only what was going on around me but what was going on inside me. I felt peace. I felt closure. The fight had been so long.
But it wasn’t over. I thought it was the beginning of a new, more peaceful chapter in my life. I was wrong. I call this a false end.
Tell me, have you reached the end? How did you get there? Was it truly the end or were you surprised by a turn of events? Let’s talk…
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Mabel Kwong
February 10, 2016 at 3:41 amSeven years to formally settle a divorce and then a lawsuit to close as well. Much applause to you Lisa for standing strong through all of this and coming out through it stronger. Not only did you have to deal with emotions through your ex at that time, and liaising with him and the lawyers, you also had to wrap your head around the legal process and legal procedures. Good on you.
I don’t really think there is an end. Rather, as you alluded, every ending is a beginning and another journey 🙂
lisa
February 10, 2016 at 7:48 amHi Mabel, Thank you although I didn’t feel strong through the whole process that’s for sure. Somehow I got there though.I certainly learned quite a bit about the legal process and that’s valuable at least.
So true. The end is a new beginning so we don’t always see it clearly.
Jeri
February 3, 2016 at 5:01 pmDivorce is definitely draining. Mine was cut and dry (at least the paper and legal aspects of it) but I still don’t feel like it’s over because the situation doesn’t allow much closure, but I’ll get there.
lisa
February 3, 2016 at 10:16 pmclosure isn’t an automatic, even though we feel it should be. You will get there, Jeri! 🙂
My Inner Chick
January 25, 2016 at 8:28 pm—–Lisa,
you are educating many people out there….
and letting them know they are NOT alone.
I don’t think anybody realizes how difficult divorce is until he/she actually experience it themselves.
xxx kiss from MN
lisa
January 26, 2016 at 9:07 amHi Kim, that’s very true that we don’t know until we go through it. I hadn’t considered how long a process it may be. In fact, I had this vision that we would try to remain friends. That is not an easy thing to do though. I always give credit to couples who can remain friends and be respectful in spite of the difficulties. Thanks for your kind words, Kim! 🙂 xoxoxo
marie
January 25, 2016 at 7:48 amDivorce do end at some stage but things can be quite crappy after too, especially when you have children together. Whaou 7 years Lisa, it sounds horrible!!
It’s been already 3 years I asked for a divorce and we don’t have any property in common or joined accounts. I can’t wait for this part to be over. I want to see the paper. But you’re right, this is not always the end of the story, just the end of a marriage which did not work.
Thinking of you and thanks for sharing part of your story. It’s inspiring and very helpful.
lisa
January 25, 2016 at 9:23 amHi Marie, it’s hard not having that ‘conclusion’. Maybe the divorce decree (piece of paper) is more a symbol rather than a true ending. And yes, I agree that it isn’t the end of the story only the end of a marriage that didn’t work out. I hope you get your divorce all concluded in 2016. It would go a long way in allowing you to feel you CAN move forward. Thanks, Marie!
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
January 22, 2016 at 7:48 pmWow! I can’t believe how much red tape you had to go through to get the divorce finalized. I’m just glad that you’re happy and free now!
lisa
January 23, 2016 at 11:49 amHi Marcia, it definitely was a ton of red tape. Yes, I’m happy and free.
Kelly Hashway
January 22, 2016 at 9:33 amI’ve never had to go through this but I’ve watched family and friends go through it. It’s never easy.
lisa
January 23, 2016 at 11:48 amWatching from the outside can be kind of painful too because you want to help but you’re not sure the best way. It end eventually and everyone finds peace. Nice to see you, Kelly and i’m glad you’ve never been through it!
Harleena Singh
January 22, 2016 at 6:00 amHi Lisa,
You’ve gone through such a lot…amazing that it’s been seven years, which can feel like forever! Not to mention that divorce in itself is never easy for anyone, so hats-off to your patience and being so strong all along. I am so glad you made it and finally got your freedom – you certainly deserve the peace now.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Happy weekend 🙂
lisa
January 23, 2016 at 11:47 amThank you, Harleena. It’s been a long and winding road for sure. I hope my story helps other women going through it now. Happy weekend to you, too!
Tamara
January 21, 2016 at 5:14 pmSo many paperwork things.. that I don’t understand.. but I’m trying.
I sometimes think about Cassidy and I separating. If we did, the relationship itself would be lifelong, because of the kids. I’d still have to see him at Scarlet’s high school graduation, for example.
I suppose it’s different with older kids. Just thoughts I’ve had!
Thank you for sharing this part of your story.
lisa
January 21, 2016 at 9:52 pmHi Tamara, you’re right. We went through two high school graduations during this process. Plus, of course there are always life events with adult children that may require both parents so I’m not sure how people go no contact forever when there’s children. I imagine you and Cassidy would be friends through anything. Thanks for stopping over, Tamara!
Corina Ramos
January 21, 2016 at 9:04 amHi Lisa,
Wow, seven years can feel like forever. I am so glad you made it and finally got your freedom! That says a lot about your perseverance and strength! There is nothing like finding inner peace and letting out that big exhale. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you’re having a great week!
Cori
lisa
January 21, 2016 at 9:49 pmThanks, Cori. Yes, the exhale. the sigh of relief, it’s all good. I hope my story helps people realize it can all work out even though it’s damn hard during the process. Have a great week, too!
Charlotte
January 21, 2016 at 6:05 amCan I just say… I friggin love the way you write so much. But my god, my heart hurts for you throughout this entire process. I can’t even begin to imagine all the false hope, the endless waiting, the stop-go and frustration. I am just so glad you have this behind you, that you can celebrate freedom and being able to put a lid on this chapter in your life.
XOXO and I always look forward to how the story continues 🙂
lisa
January 21, 2016 at 9:48 pmHi Charlotte, Looking back I see just how drawn out it was. It’s funny because while it’s happening you take it day by day and try to manage it. It almost becomes a new ‘normal’. It’s a relief to end that chapter though and move forward, as you say. Thanks for reading and listening…there will likely be more stories 😉
Stella Chiu
January 21, 2016 at 4:50 amHi, Lisa
I can’t find any suitable words that can comfort you in any way.
Divorce is not easy matter and drains well being out of any one.
But to endure the process of divorce that lasted for 7 years, it was really really too much. “Torture” is the word just coming out of my head. I am admiring your bravery to go through that. It must be very hard.
Now you are on the other side, things will be better ahead of you. Keep going with blessings on your side!
Thanks for sharing your story!
– Stella Chiu
lisa
January 21, 2016 at 9:43 pmHi Stella, torture is a good description, LOL. Yes, I’m on the other side of the fence now and it feels great. Still some loose ends and what do they call those after an earthquake? Aftershocks, I think. Thanks for your lovely comment!
Jane Thrive
January 20, 2016 at 11:50 amWhat a great post, Lisa! Yes…it was a process at the end…the order was final in April, but they didn’t get around to drafting the decree until…July.. Because that’s how his lawyer rolls /eye roll. The thing was they were ordered to do the final decree, so we couldn’t just do it. And yes, I agree it was an end, a bit of a false end, in that the war was over, but the marathon began. Co-parenting with my ex is difficult at best, just plain hair pulling frustrating at worst. We’re cruising at an even 5 (scale of 1-10) now…so I’m counting my blessings 🙂
but when I get really upset or frustrated with what I see he is doing/behaving with the girls–I just hold onto the fact that he cann no longer do any harm to us in our home. Yes, I wish I could protect them from manipulation and ugliness and tempers when they aren’t with me…but I find some comfort that his behavior, within our four walls, has ended. And as far as I can tell, he doesn’t explode on the level that he used to–I’m pretty sure I would hear about it. And that’s an end worth fighting for. <3
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 4:18 pmHi Jane, you’re definitely still in the thick of it with the co-parenting. You’re being challenged constantly. When you say this: “but I find some comfort that his behavior, within our four walls, has ended.” That is so important and you’re setting a great example for other women suffering with abusive husbands. You’re courageous, Jane!! As always, I appreciate hearing your POV! Hugs xo
Chrys Fey
January 20, 2016 at 10:35 amWow. 7 years. My sisters ex said he would cause her he’ll and delay the process for years but then before Christmas he told her he’d do what she wanted. He didn’t contest or sign t he papers, so she took the next step to ask the judge to push it forward. She’s still waiting for the next phase to begin but she was relieved when he didn’t contest and failed to sign/file the papers before the deadline.
Thanks for sharing the end if your divorce story. It’s often this part that is the hardest.
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 4:15 pmHi Chrys, I know, when I say 7 years it sure sounds daunting. Don’t tell your sister this story, LOL. Sounds like she’s on her way to a fairly clean conclusion.
Brenda P
January 20, 2016 at 10:34 amOh my, Lisa. Sounds like such a horrible ordeal, especially for that long. I admire yoyr strngth and determinaton and hope that you’ve finally found peace.
B
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 4:14 pmHi Bren, thank you so much. I definitely find peace within the situation through my yoga practice. As well, nature always offers a peaceful perspective. I guess we find ways to cope. Sometimes when a battle is won a new begins and it’s called life…deep breath!
Crystal Collier
January 20, 2016 at 7:18 amNever been involved in a divorce, but I’ve had many “the end” moments, and man do I know how great it feels to be unburdened. No matter how much we try to ignore it, when things are left undone, there’s an underlying tension that is always with us. Here’s to reaching the finish line and moving on!
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 4:12 pmI agree, Crystal. Sometimes the situation becomes second nature but not in a good way. Here’s to the finishing line!
Balroop Singh
January 19, 2016 at 8:55 pmDivorce drains all energy as it is a long battle, very poignant. A lot of emotions must be involved but the freedom and the peace could have steered you. You are so brave Lisa. That smile on your face says it all! Stay blessed.
Thanks for sharing this painful part.
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 3:53 pmThank you so much, Balroop. I had many days that I didn’t feel brave at all. We muddle through and gain our wisdom looking back. 🙂
Liv
January 19, 2016 at 5:57 pmIt’s almost a denouement when that paper is signed. When you have kids…it’s never over. Sigh.
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 3:52 pmYou’re right Liv. In fact, no matter how old there will at times, be an occasion or something where mom and dad should both be there. Yours are young still and if you’re co-parenting, you’re still very much in contact. For better or for worse, LOL.
Michelle
January 19, 2016 at 3:13 pmMine is about a month away from being finally over. It’s been a very difficult process in spite of my ex being the one who wanted the divorce after I initiated the separation. I believe it’s going to be an end for me because I’m also going no contact. The kids are almost old enough to be on their own, so I don’t have the same issues as women who have young kids and need to communicate still. Yes, this is the final stage of the old sad means the new and happy me has settled into my bones nicely. 🙂
lisa
January 20, 2016 at 3:51 pmHi Michelle, Congrats on reaching the finish line. It sounds like you’ve got this and it really is an END. Thanks for sharing here! 🙂