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It’s no secret that going no-contact from the narcissist in your life is the ultimate solution to taking your life back. Taking back your power that has been stolen by a narcissist isn’t easy but it is necessary to allow yourself to get on with your life and begin healing. But not everyone is in a position to go no contact.
Incidentally, in case you’re wondering if the Six Degrees is a play on words, it is. It’s based on the theory that we are all separated by only six people. So, by the time we get to a seventh (random) person, the chances are pretty good that we know someone in common. But I’ve digressed. Suffice to know that we can also choose to separate ourselves by degrees. Comes in handy when we have a narcissist in our life…
If you work with a narcissist, are co-parenting with one, or if you have one in your family, then you’ll need to find ways to minimize contact while maintaining some relationship. The good news is, you can do it in degrees. Start with basic boundaries and move toward setting higher barriers. The ultimate goal being to disable the narcissist’s power over you.
I’ve listed six ways to separate yourself from the narc, from least to most distance. Let’s get to it!
Set rules about where and when you will allow them to see you, and what you will do for them (if anything). Saying no to their schemes and being unavailable for their use at their whim will shock the narcissist. Expect this to anger them. Typically, the narc has to have complete control over you, and your boundaries prevent them from doing that. You can expect a verbal backlash, and even an expression of ‘grave concern’ for you. Because you must be coming unhinged to reject their attention. Remain steadfast in your new rules. Don’t allow the narc to sway you to meet them on their terms. It won’t be easy but it will be worth the extra effort it takes to resist their charms and persuasion.
Social media is another way of letting people into your life. If the narcissist that you’re attempting to get your power back from, has intimate access to your life through your social media, then all of your effort is for naught. We often tell ourselves that we only share certain things on-line and that it’s not personal but the truth is, our posts and images of our life are VERY personal. We are revealing where we are, who we’re with, what we’re feeling all in real time, and with images. The narcissist is bound to use this information against you or to their advantage.
Second degree of separation entails tightening those original boundaries you have set and blocking the narc from your social information.
If you must attend the same function whether it’s for work or family, be prepared in advance for the interaction you may encounter. Will she act out? Will he try to sweet talk you or will they ignore you? Anticipate a likely scenario and be ready with comebacks or answers but stay focused on your boundaries. The key here is to not over react.
Do not associate nor answer queries from the narc’s flying monkeys. If, for example, their best friend calls you and wants to get together to chat, you would be wise to remain unavailable. If you continue seeing the narc’s supply, this only keeps them one degree closer to you. It gives the narc control over you from a third party. That’s why it is common for a narc to send a flying monkey to check up on you, or to even convince you to get back together with them. Applying pressure is the aim and it can be effective, so don’t even go there.
First, block their cell number to avoid receiving non-stop text and phone calls. If they have the freedom to contact you at any time, then they have power over your psyche. Because no matter what your boundaries are in reality, if they are able to enter your head with texts, it’s as if they’re standing beside you. Minimizing contact to emails only, can go a long way in helping you keep your sanity on a daily basis.
At this stage you’ve decided the first five degrees of separation are not enough. You have determined that you can no longer remain in contact at all with the narcissist. Obviously, you will have blocked their number but you may go so far as to get a new phone number assigned to your cell phone.
You will be essentially combining all of the degrees of separation to accomplish a no contact policy. You will need to find new people and activities to replace the narc and all the people and events that were a part of your life with them. The good news with going no contact altogether, is you get a fresh start. It is the beginning of finding people who accept you as you are not who you could be.
The rewards are phenomenal however, it will require an adjustment period. For more on going no contact, you may find my video helpful.
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Note that with each degree of separation, the narcissist will have a reaction to losing this control over you. Your success in keeping your distance from the narc, therefore, will depend on your commitment and conviction to your new way of life. In other words, with the hoovering the narc is bound to do, you will need strength to maintain these degrees of separation. The rewards for remaining vigilant in your separation will be enormous. It’s simply a question of giving yourself time to adjust and go through a period of what will feel like isolation. Letting go is not easy but it is often necessary for your survival.
Separation from a narcissist is the beginning steps to regaining your power, control and sanity. Starting with some basic boundaries and moving to more advanced degrees of separation can help you prevent further damage from the narcissist, and allow you to rebuild your life.
Expect a backlash either from the narc and/or from their supply. Their flying monkeys may be sent to ‘talk some sense’ into you, or to spy on you. Remain vigilant to your boundaries to resist these games. Know when it’s time to block these people from the privilege of being a part of your life.
Ultimately, you may end up in a no-contact separation but until your circumstances change (your children are grown or you change jobs) you can better manage the narc in your life by implementing these degrees of separation between you. At least you will be better able to cope until the time comes that you are ready to begin a no-contact regime.
Please add a your own tip or a question in the comments.
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Marion
February 26, 2020 at 2:59 pmHelp on how to deal with a 31year old son who is a narcissist. Divorcing his 3 wife and he says he has done nothing wrong. His father I left after 15 years is one too.
lisa
February 26, 2020 at 3:53 pmHi Marion, I hope this article helped. plus, I have many more here. Click narcissism on the tag cloud and all of the other articles should come up. Also, I have a few videos dealing with narcissists. Click on the videos on the menu. Thanks for visiting.
Christine Carter
December 3, 2018 at 5:52 amLisa, this is such wise and helpful advice. I love how you organized this list in the degrees of separation and what you describe is so realistic and insightful.
I’ll be sharing this so your expertise can help more people who have to manage a narc in their lives.
THANK YOU!
lisa
December 4, 2018 at 9:46 amThank you so much, Chris. I appreciate your sharing this one with those who may need it. 🙂
Jeri
November 21, 2018 at 1:19 pmThese are all great tips, and I fully attest at how well they work. Not having any contact with my ex at all has definitely been for the best as that icky adjustment period passed.
lisa
November 21, 2018 at 6:14 pmThanks, Jeri. I’m happy for you that you found your way out from that one…the adjustment isn’t an easy one. Nothing worthwhile is easy though 😛
Charlotte
November 21, 2018 at 10:16 amThis is an incredible list, Lisa, and so thorough! It’s sad how narcs tend to feed off the ability to have control, so lessening that (in any way, shape, or form) is unbelievably liberating. I once dated a narcissist and it took me AGES to get over that relationship, but mostly I was afraid of running into him or having any kind of contact whatsoever, so I went to the extreme by just scrubbing him out of my life completely. Best thing I ever did!
Hope you have a very happy Thanksgiving, Lisa, and thanks always for sharing such valuable advice with your readers 🙂 XO
lisa
November 21, 2018 at 6:14 pmThanks Charlotte. Good for you. that must have been hard at first. The rewards are substantial though.
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
November 19, 2018 at 7:06 pmThis is great advice. I’ve had to do this with a couple of toxic friendships in my life and while it did take me along time to get control, my life became so much more peaceful once I finally got there.
lisa
November 21, 2018 at 6:13 pmGood for you, Suzanne. Knowing when to prune is key to growing and remaining truly authentic. 😀
Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
November 19, 2018 at 7:49 amWonderful Advice.
lisa
November 21, 2018 at 6:12 pmThanks, Kim!
Tamara
November 17, 2018 at 6:55 pmDefinitely a step by step process. I think I may have told you that I have dear divorced friends and both think the other is a narc, and I have no idea what to believe. Maybe they both are? Neither? I don’t know!!
lisa
November 18, 2018 at 5:20 pmWell, it’s an over used term and too much finger pointing. Divorce brings out the worst in people and so we exhibit some of the narcissistic behaviors but that doesn’t mean we are one. It’s unlikely both of your friends are narcissists. They are two people dealing with a heartbreaking reality and probably aren’t at their best. You would know without a doubt if one of them was actually a narcissist. The typical behaviors would have been seen during the marriage and within your friendship. Not just after. Hope that sheds some light there, Tamara. 🙂
DGKaye
November 16, 2018 at 5:21 pmWish I would have read this decades ago, lol. It took me fifty years to get to #6. 🙂
lisa
November 18, 2018 at 5:17 pmI’m with ya, Deb. Often there’s a breaking point with the narcissist where we can’t tolerate anymore of the abuse.
DGKaye
November 19, 2018 at 5:31 pm🙂 😉
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
November 16, 2018 at 5:15 pmExcellent advice, and I love how you did it in degrees. Two years ago I cut out several family members who were toxic narcissists and I’ve never looked back. Life is good!
lisa
November 18, 2018 at 5:16 pmHi Marcia, I didn’t realize you were dealing or had dealt with toxic family. That’s so hard but the time comes when one must do what’s best for their mental health. Sounds like you’ve handled it the right way!
Balroop Singh
November 16, 2018 at 3:43 pmExcellent tips Lisa! As usual your way of dealing with narcs is very relevant especially for those who feel powerless. Imagine a person who has a narcissist father! I know one such friend who distanced slowly without hurting but letting that father pick up the cues. Deep down narcs know that they suck and their relationships do suffer due to their being “always right!”
lisa
November 18, 2018 at 5:15 pmthank you Balroop! Yes, taking back power is a necessity. they do take and take…a narcissist father is very difficult. Your friend is wise to set her boundaries. they’re always right—exactly true, in their minds.
Jane Thrive
November 16, 2018 at 2:04 pmLisa,
This article is so on point!! I’m going to share with my newly divorced friend who is dealing with an ex as you’ve described.
And it’s a nice reminder. My ex has started texting and conveniently “ignoring” emails, and this is a reminder that i need to set better boundaries–texts are for “emergencies only” (i.e. kid is sick and needs to be picked up from school), not regular communication!!! So thank you for a very relevant reminder, given that i’m 7+ years into coparenting and setting boundaries with you know who!!!!
lisa
November 18, 2018 at 11:32 amOh, that’s a good idea, Jane. thanks for sharing my work. I hope it helps her!
Sneaky, he is. Re-establishing boundaries is a good idea and it’s not unusual to have to re-set.
Marie Kléber
November 16, 2018 at 6:26 amYes Lisa, it’s a step by step process. It’s not easy at the beginning. But worth the “try”. With time it becomes easier and then one day you may find peace.
Precious advices as always.
Thank you for sharing and helping other women. I learnt by myself, as you did, I imagine.
lisa
November 18, 2018 at 11:31 amHi Marie, this: ” With time it becomes easier and then one day you may find peace.” Exactly. Well put 🙂