Abuse during divorce is more common than we realize. When we take the step to end our marriage, we extricate ourselves from the marital turmoil only to find ourselves the target of even more abusive behaviors. The ex can become aggressive, verbally abusive, threatening, and sometimes paranoid. The truth is the bigger their ego, the more intensely they react to the end of the marriage or relationship. If they are bordering on narcissistic personality, these reactions will be even stronger. You become the target of blame and alienation. The attempted alienation may be from friends, family, and most definitely from the children.
The egotistical ex will take action to encourage everyone to withdraw their support and love from you. They often distort the truth in an attempt to tear your character down and build theirs up. After all, the divorce is not their fault. They didn’t do anything wrong nor did they ask for this to happen. In other words, they are the victim in this scenario.
The abuse can be extremely subtle or it can be direct and threatening. Recognize that the undermining of your parenting role is part of that abuse. One of the first things these personality types do is attempt full possession of the children. Unfortunately, it is very common for the children to be engaged as a tool in their war. It is the last way they can retaliate against you and control you. This is an indirect, subversive form of child abuse.
The children often see it as suddenly getting the attention they crave. They will feel as though ”Daddy (or Mommy) loves me even more…”. But you will see the difference between a parent who genuinely cares, loves and wants to spend quality time with their children compared with a parent whose single goal is to limit your time with them. Also, the egotistical parent likes to tote the children to his functions to show off his idealized possessions.
In other words, the parent uses his children to bolster his ego and reputation rather than simply loving them, and spending time with them one on one. They are usually fulfilling ulterior motives. Often these ego driven parents would prefer to take the children out and be “seen” with them at prestigious events or restaurants as if to say “Look, I’m the best parent in the world, with the best kids in the world!” Teach your children early on to understand the difference between love and possession.
Know that eventually, as the children grow and challenge the ego driven parent, they become the target of abuse themselves. They go from being idealized and indulged to being verbally abused, manipulated, to finally being disposable.
This is extremely damaging to growing teens and children. When we stop and think about how we, as adults have been manipulated and hurt by these personality types, we realize how easily manipulated and confusing it is for young minds to handle.
Equip your children with the tools to protect themselves from further damage. Start by telling the truth. Do not whitewash the abusive behavior. Silence is NOT golden. Speak up. Forget “don’t bad mouth your ex in front of the kids”. That mantra does not apply to this kind of situation. Not only does it not apply, it is detrimental. Explain to your children the motives of the other parent . Explain to them the type of abuse that is happening between you and your ex, because they have a right to know the true status of the relationship. Explain to them as simply as possible but get the information out there.
The more your children know the better they will understand and cope with the situation. A terrific resource on this is Richard Warshak’s Divorce Poison as well as YOU Tube video series by Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love. As well, I cover this topic with simple suggestions of how to handle parenting difficulties in The Great Escape; A Girl’s Guide To Leaving a Marriage
1.how to resist hurtful actions by their ego driven parent
2. how to set boundaries in their relationship with the other parent
3. how to say ‘no’ to the other parent
4. how to walk away without guilt to avoid abuse
5. know the difference between tough love and aggressive, hurtful behavior
We have removed ourselves from the marital turmoil only to experience divorce abuse. Whether it’s alienating the children, seeking full custody, withholding support payments, name calling or verbal threats—it’s all equally abusive. We must provide support to our children to ensure they too, do not become the victim of the cruelty of the ego driven parent. Start talking. Open up. No more secrets. Silence is NOT golden.
What would you do? How did you cope with an ego driven ex?
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Jessica
January 6, 2019 at 6:36 pmWonderful advice. I am in the middle of that type of divorce. My mission is to stay strong and emotionally healthy for my son.
lisa
January 10, 2019 at 9:55 amThanks for stopping by, Jessica and sharing your thoughts. Your ‘mission’ is sensible and keeping your son’s needs in the fore—always the best!
Aracely
February 19, 2013 at 5:22 amHey there! I simply want to offer you a huge thumbs
up for the excellent information you have got right here on this post.
I’ll be returning to your blog for more soon.
lisa
February 20, 2013 at 12:22 pmThanks Aracely!
Val
July 10, 2012 at 6:57 pmGreat points in this post! (Been there, still doing that)
Minor quibble w/your reference to us as “girls”, however: when do we grow up & get to become women? Language is powerful.
lisa
July 10, 2012 at 8:29 pmHi Val, I’m sorry you’re still going through s**t but glad you found this post helpful in some way. About the ‘girls’, I’m glad you mentioned that because I actually struggled with whether I should use ‘woman’ instead in the title. Somehow it didn’t feel the same to me. I guess the idea is girl talk, girlfriend support. Not sure if that makes sense to you but that’s how I decided. Yes, we are women but we still have some ‘girl’ inside us…I’m glad you found my site and thanks for taking the time to speak your mind. 🙂
Natalya
December 7, 2012 at 9:48 pmI agree with divorce. We are just pelope after all and we do change as we grow older. Sometimes that change in us and the changes in life with the pelope we are committed too just don’t work out. It is a part of life. If we knew the path our life was going to take, we would have reached our destination some time ago, but we don’t. We live for the now, plan for best and have faith in what we believe. The choices we make are the ones that drive our feelings, at times those choices become what we feel are mistakes. We live, we learn and life goes on. When we are broken from love, we find it in ourselves to move forward, while at times when moving forward we leave behind our lovers. Why? It is just the way life roles some
lisa
December 7, 2012 at 10:44 pmThanks for sharing your thoughts Natalya. Yes life is all about changing and growing and sometimes, sadly we leave certain people behind. We learn from our mistakes and shouldn’t feel like a failure if our marriage ends.