It’s hard being a divorcee. We’re a ONE in a world of twos. It’s downright lonely. Eventually, we want to get our toes in the water and begin dating again. We go onto dating sites with hopes of love. It’s only natural. Next thing you know, we’re in a relationship again. It’s wonderful. It’s exciting and we feel like a teenager again. We’re getting a second chance!
Inevitably, sometimes sooner rather than later the conversation of marriage comes up. Let’s face it, no one wants to be alone. Society thinks we’re damaged goods if we’re still on our own years after our divorce. There is an expectation that the divorced will eventually re-marry and live happily again…in spite of the fact that the stats prove that second marriages are even more likely to end in divorce!
There is a pressure to find a new spouse and show the world we’re not damaged goods. “It wasn’t me…” It’s not just pressure we put on ourselves though, family and friends will start asking too. “When are you guys getting married?” As if that’s the next logical step.
No. Just, NO.
Re-marriage is not for everyone but before I go into that tirade; I want to cover 5 excuses people use to justify re-marrying their current boyfriend (girlfriend) or partner and why you shouldn’t use any one of these. If you find yourself and your partner saying any of these things in discussing marriage—re-consider your decision.
1. To Save money– I hear this a lot. We have two houses and it just doesn’t make sense since he’s at my place all the time. First, tell him to go home…second there are worse things to squander than money like your privacy, freedom, personal space and your children’s privacy and space. Starting a second marriage to reduce your budget can lead to no good place…re-consider.
2. To bridge a long distance relationship. This is a tough one but doesn’t it make more sense for someone to relocate first and make sure the relationship can handle being in the same city before making a lifetime commitment? Take it in baby steps.
3. His kids (your kids) need a female (male) role model because their bio mom (dad) is ________ (dead, incompetent, an addict, an idiot—whatever). Be very, very careful on this one. I’ve had many women contact me with this question “His kids love me and I adore them, he wants to marry me but….” and then they list a few things that are wrong with the relationship. NO. You can have a relationship with his kids without a marriage certificate. What’s the rush?
4. Fear. Fear of the future. Fear of financial security. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing him. None of these reasons are enough and we both know that. The trick is identifying that fear before we make a decision for the wrong reason. You will be ok. If he’s worth his salt he will wait for you. No man pressures you to say yes, if he is worth being with—Golden Rule.
5. If something happens and I’m in the hospital, we’ll be family and he’ll be next of kin. Seriously? You’re going to hinge the rest of your life with someone in case they or you go into hospital? NO. This is similar to the we should all have the last name when we travel idea. It’s not important enough reason to say yes.
You can see how these become excuses to ‘move forward’ and re-marry. They’re not the right reasons though and in fact, you might think you’re moving forward but you risk moving backward. If you rush into a second marriage for the wrong reasons it is more likely you will bring your left over baggage from the first one. That will also interfere with your chances of making this one stick.
Be careful about getting taken up with the event itself. The temptation and excitement of a second ‘honeymoon’ destination can blind our good judgment. Besides, you can still have a honeymoon without the wedding, right? We don’t need a wedding as an excuse to plan a romantic vacation without children.
Instead of finding reasons to re-marry, think about why you shouldn’t. This is the time to do some critical thinking. What could possibly go wrong? How will it affect your children? How will it improve my life? Why do I want this?
We tend to forget that we can have a perfectly wonderful relationship without living under the same roof. A relationship can move forward without the lifetime commitment. Often our kids benefit from our restraint.
All things considered, there may be a time when remarriage is the right thing to do. Love, friendship and respect should top the list of reasons to take the plunge a second time.
By the way, I know some happily re-married people, so it works out for many! Do you plan to re-marry? Whether you’re divorced, married or re-married I would love to hear your thoughts.
Leave a comment, I LOVE ’em!
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Marie
April 16, 2015 at 1:40 amIt’s strange cause so many people are asking myself whether I already met somebody, after only 2 years of separation (and we are not yet divorced). I think many people are afraid of loneliness. They think remariage will fill the gaps in their life, will assure them a safe future. I am not sure.
Anyway all these are bad reasons. And when you marry for bad reasons, you have less chance that it works on the long run.
There is no rush really and we can find role models for our kids around us, family, friends, teachers.
Another great post that definitely talks to me Lisa. I can be sure that if I meet somebody in the next coming years, people won’t wait that long to ask me the same old question. And to be true I am not sure to be fine with remarrying! One is enough!!
lisa
April 16, 2015 at 4:27 pmGreat points made, Marie. Thanks for sharing your valuable thoughts on the topic. Who knows what the future holds for any of us.
Liv
April 15, 2015 at 6:41 pmI remarried – but for none of those reasons. I may have used one or two when marrying the first time though…
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 10:25 pmI didn’t think you re-married for any of those reasons as you sound very content. 🙂 See? There is hope for happiness and finding love again after divorce!
Charlotte
April 15, 2015 at 8:28 amI love this list. I have never been married and there are days when I think it’s just not for me. I never thought I’d say that, but to be honest I’m just tired of the constant pressure that society puts on us to be a certain way in life.
But I have to imagine that there’s even more pressure the second go round. Maybe like you said people feel they have something to prove. Or maybe the idea of being alone is too much–I get that. We have to find happiness within before we can ever seek it out elsewhere.
XOXO and thanks for your words as always 🙂
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 2:08 pmThank you Charlotte 🙂 “We have to find happiness within before we can ever seek it out elsewhere.” You’re oh, so right!!
totally Caroline
April 12, 2015 at 10:58 amI dont think I could ever marry again. I say to my mother, I just don’t think I will survive another divorce if it came to that. My experience was just too painful. I can not deal with it again. I applaud anyone who is brave enough to trust that deeply after they have been backstabbed by the one they love most. They are brave women. Of course, it must be for the right reasons though. You are right.
lisa
April 12, 2015 at 5:59 pmI always commend the courage of a second marriage. To love is the human condition—I think a poet said that. So it is, you will love again. Not now, but again..sometime and with the right person. Don’t throat punch me 😉
My Inner Chick
April 12, 2015 at 8:53 amLisa,
did I ever tell you that Kay married her murderer 2 times?
Luv U.
xx
lisa
April 12, 2015 at 9:19 amNo! Nooooooo!!! Pressure. Fear. Control.
I’m so sorry Kim. xoxo
Tamara
April 8, 2015 at 5:23 pmI hope to stay with my husband, but circumstances can often change.. so I do think I’d be open to re-marrying. For love, of course!
It’s funny for us to look at our parents because all of them have been through so much to get where they are today. And they took risks and eventually found love again, after seriously terrible circumstances – death, bad divorce, etc.
lisa
April 8, 2015 at 5:35 pmOh, yes for love!! It’s so important. Love wins 🙂 Your parents have shown you there is hope after loss. Thanks for sharing here, Tamara!
Jodi
April 8, 2015 at 5:18 pmWhen my husband divorced his first wife, he never thought he’d marry again. And he was only 27. Then, we got together and that changed. I’m glad. We’ve been happy for 17 years and counting. He was too young to spend his life alone. And he’s a good egg. 🙂
lisa
April 8, 2015 at 5:33 pmThat’s a great story, Jodi! 17 years and counting…that’s wonderful! I’m sure he’s a good egg to be with you 🙂
Balroop Singh
April 7, 2015 at 10:24 pmHi Lisa,
This is a power packed post! So true!! People who rush into re-marriage and have all those wrong reasons in mind have another shock staring at them. Money is no criteria for marriage and if you have kids, they can never trust your new partner. Nobody can replace a biological mother or father.
Fear of loneliness and pressure of people often clouds our judgment. I know more than two friends who couldn’t find any happiness after remarriage. Love? really? I doubt that re-marriage can be based on love! Most of the time it is compromise…sometimes it might work well but one must tread carefully.
Thanks for sharing a wonderful post.
lisa
April 8, 2015 at 8:04 amThank you Balroop. It’s true that rushing in the second time makes for more chaos. Pressure to conform to societal views is a problem, for sure.
Love? Well, you know I’m a believer! Compromise without love—-is just ‘compromise’. That’s no fun. You need the love part to make it a success.
I always love to hear your point of view Balroop!
Chrys Fey
April 7, 2015 at 4:35 pmThose are all good points. Its best not to rush into a relationship or marriage after separating or getting a divorce.
My best friend is doing just that. Her and her husband are separated (although, not legally with papers) and she’s already enamored with another man. And things seem to be getting pretty serious very quickly with the two of them. I caution her because she’s not legally separated from her husband, but my words fall on deaf ears.
Funny thing is, this time last year she was in love with another man while “separated” from her husband. They had even said the “I love you’s.” Then all of a sudden he went back to his ex, and my friend tried to downplay how serious it had gotten. Now, again, she’s doing it again. She’s one of those girls who always had a boyfriend when we were kids. This time, when she kicked out her husband, she said she was going to stay single, but I truly think she doesn’t know how to be single. She likes the attention of men too much.
Jeez. I didn’t mean to type that much, but I guess I’ve been wanting to vent for a while.
lisa
April 7, 2015 at 9:22 pmOMG, Chrys it sounds like your friend might be in and out of ‘lust’ and mistaking it for love. Of course, it’s great to get a taste of that after or during divorce but important to recognize it as such. One day she’ll realize you were right but now, she’s caught up in filling up loneliness. If it makes you feel any better, it’s quite a normal phase for a anyone post divorce. I’m sure things will settle down for her and hopefully she’ll appreciate her own company. Ha! Venting is what we’re supposed to do here. 😉
Chrys Fey
April 8, 2015 at 6:23 amThanks for your reply, Lisa. You made me feel better about all of this. 🙂
lisa
April 8, 2015 at 8:00 amNo worries, Chrys. Glad I could help 🙂
Jane Thrive
April 7, 2015 at 12:10 pmWhat a wonderful post, Lisa! I totally agree with you!!! If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my divorce, it’s to head into all areas of life with EYES WIDE OPEN and to examine unrealistic expectations carefully (or in my case, explode them with a therapy bomb, ha ha ha).
Love doesn’t have to be defined by a certificate. Lord knows that certificate didn’t save my former marriage. The only people who can decide what’s best for them in a relationship are the people in it–and those hearts and voices are what matters most when it comes to a decision of how they want to live with and love each other. <3
*hugs* to you!!
p.s. we fell in love, and wanted to get married. there was lots of heart felt discussion and googly eyes, along with hard examinations at the challenges we would face together. Yet, something about going through the things we've both gone through, knowing what we're able to handle, this knowledge landed both of us smack in our middle life into a place where we can embrace the real life problems–it put into perspective how and who we want to be, loving, kind, respectful, of ourselves and for each other. we're headed into our first anniversary next month–and YES it has been challenging, but a challenge I embrace and love–I'm so happy and looking forward to the years to come. <3 <3 <3
lisa
April 7, 2015 at 9:19 pmHi Jane, “therapy bomb”, now there’s a phrase I love!! I agree with you and thanks for the back up. I’m so happy for you that you found love and it’s working out! “loving, kind, respectful”—yes that’s the key. HUGS back to you xo