10 Red flags that indicate your new man is a SHARK and NOT a fish.
Divorced women become unwitting prey for sharks skimming along just below the surface. They’re under the radar with their fin and teeth well hidden. They’re floating in bars, restaurants, social media and dating sites.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea…
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If only it were that easy to decipher between fish and shark.
So, what are the sharks looking for and why should we be concerned?
They’re looking for vulnerable women with money in their bank accounts and a strong credit rating. They’re looking for women with a solid RSP or 401K. They’re looking for women who are looking for love, vulnerable women who have recently lost their partner due to divorce or even death. Women who are uncomfortable with their single status and longing for a plus one become an easy target for the shark.
Sharks secretly need your financial standing. They may be looking for some contribution to their flailing business. You won’t know this since they keep their motives as well hidden as those teeth and sharp fins. It’s not until after they have wined, dined and 69’d you that they start to show signs of financial strain. Only after ‘blowing high dough’ during the courtship do they show signs of cracking. Usually they have the ring on your finger before their fin breaks surface.
Hang on. What about the women who do this to men? Sure, they do and they’re called ‘golddiggers’. Today we’re talking about men preying on vulnerability of women.
How can you avoid ending up shark prey? Be very aware and check out all the details of your new Fish before it’s too late…heed these warning signs;
1. His romantic gestures are grand and over the top
2. He spends exorbitantly at restaurants and bars-soon you will be doing this for him
3. He has more than one crazy ex wife
4. His line of work is undefined
5. He claims to have fallen in love with you very early in the relationship
6. He makes statements like; “I’ve never felt this way before about anyone.”-um, right.
7. He is mysteriously absent from time to time without an explanation
8. He wants to get engaged and pressures you for a commitment early in the relationship
9. You haven’t met him yet but feel connected to him in an inexplicable way-NO, you are being manipulated over social media.
10. Your gut instincts are telling you something isn’t right
I’ve seen it happen. A woman who got ‘taken’ financially or emotionally by a man who she fell hard and fast for.
One common denominator with these sharks is they’re in a hurry to secure a commitment. The reason? Once they have a ring on your finger and said the vows, they can finally let their guard down. After all, they can’t possibly maintain the perfection and gestures of romance for an extended length of time (see red flag #1). The commitment brings them that much closer to getting what they want from you, financial security. Once they have what they want….they disappear only to be replaced with a man you don’t recognize (the Shark).
Always stop and ask yourself and him “What’s the rush?”, “Why not take our time?”. Tell him; “Good things come to those who wait” and “only fools rush in”. Because think about this, the very definition of commitment indicates that you are promising something:
“Commitment-noun
: a promise to do or give something
: a promise to be loyal to someone or something
: the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something” Merriam-Webster dictionary
We’ve seen it on Oprah, 20/20 and dateline. We’ve heard the stories. He disappeared after the wedding. He cleaned out the bank account after his name was put on the account. Maybe she finds out he is still married to someone else after her wedding! In some cases, we know the men who are doing this. They can be extremely convincing and charming. They make up all kinds of stories and excuses for these misdeeds, mostly all are lies.
What to do? Know and identify the red flags. Obviously, there could be a good reason for one red flag out of ten but if there is more than one? Run the other way. Also, remember a relationship on social media is just that, a virtual relationship in a virtual world.
No need to give up on looking for love, just know the fish from the shark and keep the relationship on your terms. Above all else, listen to your instincts because they’re always right.
In the meantime, Caveat Emptor, ladies! Enjoy the Fish in the sea but always be on the look out for sharks!
Do you have a shark story or a red flag to share?
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Jo Descheene
September 30, 2019 at 9:41 amI love this, thanks. I was a victim.
lisa
October 9, 2019 at 2:25 pmHi Jo, sorry to hear that. It’s happened (big) to too many good people. Glad you liked the post.
Anonymous
June 24, 2019 at 8:46 amThis is a great article, wish I had it read it a couple months ago when I met one of these sharks during my divorce. He was extremely sweet, charming, comforting and seemed like the perfect guy. He had all the right answers and knew exactly what to say to me. Somethings he said did not add up but we are 1,500 miles apart and I thought meeting him in person would connect all the dots. Thankfully that never happened and he told me he has met someone else and ended the “relationship” once he realized that he wasn’t going to get what he wanted from me. I am hurt and disappointed that I trusted and invested so much of my emotions into someone that I barely knew but glad that he’s gone because it wasn’t right for me anyway. One of the red flags I started noticing was that he dated divorced women in the past, I am divorced and the new woman he met is also divorced. I guess sharks swim in circles!
lisa
June 24, 2019 at 9:42 amThank you. I’m sorry you were taken advantage of. Social media has made it too easy for these sharks to swim in circles looking for vulnerable women. At least he didn’t get very far with you. I would agree that his history of dating only divorced women is a red flag. Good to know for next time. thanks for sharing your story here.
Sara
September 15, 2018 at 7:48 amI married one, and still manages to keep his shark fangs hidden, except that he’s decided to keep the marriage bed empty. He played all his cards right from the beginning, keeping me in the dark, but for the last six years, nothing adds up. There are so many ramifications involved, and can’t go into detail, but we’re under the same roof in an unloving relationship. He lives his own life, and I live mine. I can easily move on, and he wouldn’t object to it. His manipulation is still going on in social media. That’s his happy, secret place. Mine is work from sun up to sun down, and watching romance movies to keep some balance in my life. I thank God I know now. I can say I’m single, with a marriage license.
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July 3, 2014 at 2:41 amGood blog post. I absolutely love this site. Thanks!
Beverly Diehl
July 2, 2014 at 6:21 amRe: plenty of fish – a dating tip I’ve heard from more than one single friend is to be very, very cautious about freebie dating sites “plentyoffish” or any other freebie dating site, because the men (and women) who use freebie sites tend to be in desperate financial straits – unemployed, disabled, still living with Mom/ex-wife/ex-girlfriend.
Great advice about not rushing in too fast. Even if the man (or woman) is NOT after your money, many personality disorders don’t show themselves until after the 6-9 month “honeymoon period” of first falling in love. If it’s real love, it’ll still be there after a year; if it’s not, you do NOT want to be tied to someone with Serious Issues.
lisa
July 2, 2014 at 9:01 amGreat point Beverly about personality disorders. Often Sharks (or Bariccudas) have a disorder. To be able to manipulate people in that way. Thanks for your input 🙂
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
July 1, 2014 at 5:31 pmAll of this is so true, and I think most of us have been the victim of a guy like this at one time or another in our life.
lisa
July 1, 2014 at 6:56 pmhi Marcia, thanks for stopping by. Yes, it’s not hard to do. We want to believe the romantic gestures are all genuine.
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
June 30, 2014 at 11:05 amHey Lisa! Thankfully I haven’t been in the marketplace for a very long time but I believe that this are all true for both women and men.
Most of all I think it is important to remember that a person doesn’t change for you– no matter what. If you asked them about their last relationships and they talk REALLY bad about them, then that’s a sign. If they talk REALLY bad about ex-businness partners or how they would have been a success in their last business if it weren’t for so-and-so, if they have been waiting for you all their life and had to put up with others before you–WATCH OUT!
I tend to believe people are basically good, but that doesn’t mean they won’t take advantage of another when the circumstances are ripe. Don’t be a victim1
lisa
June 30, 2014 at 11:50 amGreat point about the ex business partners, Kathy. It’s a sign that maybe the prson isn’t taking responsibility for his/her own failures. I believe people are basically good, too BUT…always being aware. Thanks for sharing!
Fancy Ranci
June 29, 2014 at 5:57 amWow, this is a well written and well thought out piece. I am not single, but I do have a few friends that are. I haven’t heard any nightmare stories, but I know this can happen. You have done a real service here for people in the dating world. Even though it doesn’t apply to me I enjoyed the reading very much!
lisa
June 29, 2014 at 8:58 amHi Fancy and welcome. Thank you for your feedback. Please do share with any friends you think might benefit from the info. As I say though, there are also many great men out there. It’s recognizing the shark before it’s too late. 😉
Val
June 26, 2014 at 7:25 pmThis is a great list Lisa!
Don’t forget it can work both ways. When I met my Hubby he had been traumatized by quite a few barracuda women….
The sharks and barracudas deserve each other 🙂
lisa
June 26, 2014 at 8:04 pmHi Val, absolutely it works both ways. Yes, the Sharks and Barracudas belong together. I like that.
Louise
June 26, 2014 at 11:04 amWhy is it I never read this BEFORE I met the shark?
Ah well. All roads lead to my well-being. Just some of them are really, really rough.
Like other’s have said, every woman should read this list! Thanks Lisa — and thank you for your comments on my blog. I so appreciate your support. Hugs
lisa
June 26, 2014 at 12:46 pmHi Louise! Oh my gosh, aren’t those sharks just swimming around out there looking for nice, loving women? I’m happy for you that you’re in a better place and getting back to your well being 🙂 You’re welcome, Louise and I so enjoy your posts and positive outlook on life.
My Inner Chick
June 25, 2014 at 10:06 pmGreat tips, Lisa.
I shall tell my single girlfriends to WATCH out for those horrid, ugly, fanged Sharks!
xxx
lisa
June 25, 2014 at 11:06 pmDefinitely, Kim. Not to scare them too much but… xo
Chrys Fey
June 25, 2014 at 10:19 amThis is a great list of red flags for any single woman! And goes both ways, too. Great post, Lisa!
lisa
June 25, 2014 at 11:05 amThanks, Chrys 🙂
Jodi Aman
June 25, 2014 at 5:05 amI just watched a video today showing teens how some boys are controlling. This is different but these public messages need to get out there. So thank you for writing this. Maybe some people won’t feel so alone and this will help them to break free. (If the guy didn’t leave) It leaves women devastated and not wanting to try again, or feel so bad about themselves that they sink into a deep depression. If we know it is not our fault, and have a community it can help with recovery! xo
lisa
June 25, 2014 at 7:30 amGreat points, Jodi! It can start at a young age and teaching them the red flags to watch out for can help teenagers, for sure. Yes, I’ve heard some stories and it does take a long time for someone to recover from this type of scam. It could happen to anyone. So, it is important to stay away from self blame. That’s something you’re so great at teaching people! I hope this reminds women not to ignore those red flags or anything that isn’t ‘adding up’.
Gina Stoneheart
June 24, 2014 at 4:46 pmLisa, you really hit this one on the nail by giving great advice and some super, important information. I’ve seen so many Dr. Phil episode’s regarding this same problem. Most of them have been “fishing” on the internet for women who are exactly how you described them here in this post… vulnerable, yearning for love, and newly single.
When I was using a dating website to meet men, you wouldn’t believe some of the stories! I should dedicate a few blog posts just for amusement! I had one guy pick me up in a flashy 6-series BMW and wine and dine me for the first several dates. But after a while, he ended up not having much money, canceling or not being able to be reached, and better yet, I found out that car wasn’t even his!!! Turns out he was much younger than he said and still living with his parents!! He simply wanted a sugar mommy and I was so disgusted with myself because I was VULNERABLE and newly single and didn’t know any better.
Great post.. I loved reading every word of it!
lisa
June 24, 2014 at 5:24 pmThanks, Gina for sharing. Don’t be so hard on yourself. WE all crave that romance. It’s a matter of noticing what isn’t right and not ignoring it. Sounds like you had that figured out 🙂 Oh, yes you should definitely blog about some of those experiences!
Mike
June 24, 2014 at 4:08 pmGood list Lisa and I always side on the err of caution. This is a great reminder for both sexes…it does work both ways believe it or not 🙂 When it comes to it in my book, whether relationships or life in general, #10 is at the foundation of decision making. In my opinion 🙂
lisa
June 24, 2014 at 4:15 pmAbsolutely agree, Mike ! #10 is crucial. Also , yes some women are guilty of this very predatory behavior. Thanks , Mike! It’s great to get the man’s perspective here 🙂
jane thrive
June 24, 2014 at 2:39 pmDarn it, Lisa, I’m trying to feel really good about people in the world, and this is totally bringing that work to a crashing halt!!! LOL.
Kidding aside, i think this is a very, VERY important message. Also regarding dating post-divorce–it can be liberating and exciting and amazing (and also full of “meh”, lol–but for me I took the “meh’ as: well, at least there are nice men out in the world, even if this particular nice man wasn’t the one for me, yay for good people!). At the same time, I caution not to go there until we’ve done some hard work on ourselves to be sure we’re ready. Are we confident that we could fill up our hearts ALL ON OUR OWN? That loving ourselves is just as and even MORE important than loving a partner (and I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way, I mean–we have to love ourselves in ways that show us AND our children, that we can survive and thrive, with or without a partner). I think arming ourselves with healing and self-forgiveness and self-love can alleviate some of these dangers and better prepare women to heed and take notice of all those crazy red flags as well!
lisa
June 24, 2014 at 3:27 pmThanks, Jane and I’m sorry to bring out the suspicions again. There are lots of great guys out there!! You’re right to mention working on self first. Thanks Jane 🙂
Liv
June 24, 2014 at 1:09 pmHit the nail on the head as usual Lisa!
lisa
June 24, 2014 at 3:11 pmUnfortunately, they’re out there. As long as we know! Thanks, Liv 🙂