Your Personal Safety During Divorce

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November 30, 2017

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

It’s no secret that the initial stages of divorce prove to be the most dangerous time in a woman’s life. Yet, we tend to remain positively naive. That makes sense of course, because we’re going through so much for the first time and we are unaware of the hidden or subtle vulnerabilities.

Whether we remain in the marital home, buy a new, smaller home or rent an apartment, we must remain vigilant when it comes to personal safety.

It may be that you and your ex, who have recently separated are getting along swimmingly. If so, what’s your secret? I’ve yet to meet such a couple.

You divorced for a reason and it wasn’t because you are good friends. Typically, there are not so hidden resentments, anger built-up for many years.

For example, I read a perfect quote about marriage the other day;

“And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence our children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000 times.” -Tim Urban, Wait But Why-How to Pick Your Life Partner

I found the above gem of a quote on Tumblr. I believe it’s an excerpt from a book. It took my breath away. How many of us thought of all this when we decided to get married? I know I didn’t.

Considering the weight of these words (20,000 meals) you can understand how, when things aren’t going well, and it turns out this person isn’t really our best friend, alot of pent-up resentment can accumulate.

Which brings me back to my point, the importance of personal safety during divorce. Divorce is the final eruption of those unfulfilled dreams, those 20,000 sloppy joes, those 18,000 bad days. Someone may just blow up. A person who has absolutely no criminal history or an ounce of violence in their nature…well, divorce can change all that.

So, what do we do? Be aware! Use all of your senses. If he seems extraordinarily angry, he is. You’re not imaging it.

Here’s 5 things to do now;

Ensure locks are changed or added to your house or apartment.
Update your will. This means change your executor and beneficiary. Often our husbands are both and once we’re separated this has to be amended pronto.
Write down any unusual events, occurrences or statement made by your ex or your children. Small things mean very little until you add them all together and they paint a picture. You’ll need some tangible evidence to back up your concerns
Talk to friends, family and neighbors about your concerns. Staying silent because you think you’re over-reacting will only make it easier for someone to stalk, verbally abuse or worse, assault you.
Be prepared. This means have something at the ready for self protection, have road side assistance, have your cell phone fully charged always, be aware of your surroundings. Anticipate a ‘what if’ situation so that if you’re faced with it, you can think more clearly.
*Make Your Safety Exit Plan-If your marriage is/was wrought with abuse, please take extra precautions. Click here for more.

I don’t write this to scare you or make you paranoid but realistically, we must be vigilant in self protection. This theory can apply to many scenarios, too, not only divorce. The fact is, being naive and thinking no one could ever hurt you is the worst thing you could do. Take these five tips (or even 3) and put them into action now. You’ll sleep better at night. Instead of worrying, you’ll sleep knowing you’re safe.

*If you are leaving a marriage that involved domestic violence, please report any threats made on your life to the police. Know the domestic violence prevention hot line, and above all, speak out about your abuser to friends, family, co-workers, and therapists. Lastly, make a plan before leaving the marital home. Here is a checklist to assist in making your safety exit.

Hotlines;

U.S. 1-800-799-7233

Canada 1-866-863-0511

U.K. 0808-2000-247

What would you add to this list? Please do share in the comments.

abuse/courage/divorce/freedom/health/thinking about leaving/tips

38 Comments

Mabel Kwong
December 17, 2017 at 4:56 am
You can never be too careful. As you referred to the marriage quote, when choosing to spend your life with someone forever, you share so much about yourself with them – in fact, you share all of yourself. If that partnership comes to an end, you got to wonder will that person use anything personal against you. Always better to be safe than sorry. I’ve never been through divorce, but can empathise how tough it can be to walk away from someone you’ve shared a big part of your life with and not have it work out. It’s great that we are still on good terms, but sometimes I do wonder if they can turn around and be a different person altogether out of the blue.
- lisa
  December 18, 2017 at 7:15 pm
  Well, I think we’re all full of surprises during a break up or divorce. It definitely is hard at the end of a relationship or marriage as it is the end of a chapter of our life. Yes, people change all the time and especially at the end of a relationship and even at the beginning of a marriage. Thanks, Mabel for sharing your thoughts.
Donna Merrill
December 16, 2017 at 4:39 am
Hi Lisa,

What great advice you have brought up here. We do have to be ready for just about anything when going through a divorce. I went through two of them myself. I was so clueless the first time and trusted we would have a friendly break….WRONG! He piled up our credit, took all the money out of the bank and then some.

By the time I went through my second divorce, I got all my paperwork in order, and covered all my bases before I announced I was leaving. It just made things easier and all I had to do was change my locks. I did have a doberman fur baby that he was deathly afraid of by my side for those “just in case” moments lol.

-Donna
- lisa
  December 18, 2017 at 7:11 pm
  Oh, Donna—this is perfect. You got it right the second time 🙂 I think we are clueless the first time. I know I was for sure.
marie kléber
December 11, 2017 at 6:09 am
This is needed Lisa. We don’t think about this at first. We want to believe that everything will go smoothly. It doesn’t most of the time.
I remember I had packed all my papers and important items, in case. I did not know I would leave a couple of days later.
I started talking and saying things. This way people could help.
Silence is a killer.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject. You are helping people facing a very difficult situation.

Love from Paris
- lisa
  December 11, 2017 at 5:34 pm
  Hi Marie, talking and sharing your stories and concerns with others probably saved you. Good tip about getting necessary documents in order and ready in case you have to leave sooner than planned. Thanks for sharing here, Marie. xxoo
Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
December 10, 2017 at 12:28 pm
Yep, my daughter is separated and had to get all the keys after realizing he was coming to the home at lunch. Creepy
- lisa
  December 11, 2017 at 5:33 pm
  Hi Kim, that is creepy. Better safe than sorry and she’s wise to change the locks. Not to assume the worst but it’s simply practical.
Balroop Singh
December 9, 2017 at 10:14 am
Hi Lisa, I haven’t come across that wonderful quote of Tim Urban you have shared! I am sure this is true, nobody thinks in terms of ‘choosing a lot of things,’ while choosing a partner.

I appreciate your tips for taking care of personal safety…anger could lead to bitterness and unimaginable consequences. Though emotional hurts are worse but It is better to anticipate ‘what if’ than be physically hurt by those who could react out of frustration.
I hope this post would help many. Stay blessed!
- lisa
  December 11, 2017 at 5:31 pm
  Hi Balroop, yes that quote is quite the eye-opener although I’m sure many would ignore it when they’re falling in love 😉 We can only appreciate the weight of his words in hindsight.
  
  Exactly true, Balroop. We’re better to be prepared to a certain extent than feel ‘nothing could happen to me’. Nice to see you!
Jeri
December 4, 2017 at 6:54 pm
I remember my best friend asking me if I had a gun, and I was like, “What do you think? I don’t even know how to shoot one.” So she want and got me some pepper spray. Not that I ever had to use it, but when your ex goes off the deep end and disappears, any sense of safety with a person who never, ever seemed dangerous goes out the window. The worst for me was when he came back to town for a few days, and I refused to see him. I didn’t leave my house for three days.
- lisa
  December 5, 2017 at 7:51 pm
  We don’t have (carry) guns here in Canada (mostly). I’ve finally held one and taken a practice shot—not a bad skill to develop. Pepper spray is effective and maybe better than a gun in that no one gets killed only temporarily maimed. Your situation was pretty unsettling and you were right to be cautious. I hope you’re more settled and feeling safe and secure these days.
Chrys Fey
December 4, 2017 at 6:40 pm
That is a good quote. So many jump into marriage, especially young, not really realizing or thinking of the long term…forever is more than a word you promise. It’s real. I wish the two women in my life who I love dearly had thought it all through. All 20,000 meals. But I know it is tough knowing what could happen. Things do change.

This post is a great warning. To those heading into marriage and those leaving it.
- lisa
  December 5, 2017 at 7:48 pm
  Yes…guilty. I think we’re caught up in imagining the perfect life/family but we don’t really have a concept of the reality. Luckily, there’s a way out of unhappiness and a way to reclaim happiness. I’m sure your mom and sis did consider carefully but there are no guarantees. Thanks, Chrys!
dgkaye
December 4, 2017 at 6:35 pm
Excellent advice Lisa. I’m happily married now. But once upon a time, I was in a very ugly situation, so I concur with your advice. 🙂 x
- lisa
  December 5, 2017 at 7:47 pm
  Yes. So glad you’re in a happy marriage now, Deb!
Akaleistar
December 4, 2017 at 11:04 am
This isn’t something I’ve thought much about, but I really like your suggestions.
- lisa
  December 5, 2017 at 7:46 pm
  Thanks, Ashley. It’s a good thing you haven’t had to think about this 🙂
Christine Carter
December 4, 2017 at 8:28 am
This is so important- and needed. I think about so many women how are in the awful throes of divorce and their emotions are so overwhelming, they may not think about their personal safety.

I’m so glad you added the critical and helpful information for anyone in a domestic abuse situation.

Your quote is PROFOUND. Wow. Just wow.
- lisa
  December 5, 2017 at 7:45 pm
  Hi Chris, I think it’s unexpected. We think things will roll along smoothly but we don’t count on the anger. It can get out of hand pretty quickly so always best to anticipate the possibility.
Shantala
December 2, 2017 at 6:08 pm
Wow, that quote is an eye-opener. I personally am blessed to be in a very happy marriage, but I have to admit to never thinking about it in this way. I surely did not consider all that before getting married. Interesting how casually we make such a major life decision.
- lisa
  December 5, 2017 at 7:44 pm
  That’s wonderful, Shantala. Everyone should be in a happy marriage! I didn’t either. If someone had told me that I probably would have scoffed and said they were raining on my parade. I think we don’t want to hear certain things when we’re making this huge commitment.
Bren Lee
December 2, 2017 at 9:39 am
Lisa,

How true! I was naive. I thought my ex and I could remain cordial throughout the process. However, quickly found out, that was so wrong. As long as it was HIS way, he was cordial. As soon as I pushed back or had my own idea, he got angry and became a mad man. Yes, we divorce for a reason and usually a very good one. Safety is one that I am concerned about, however, being licensed to carry firearms and have them at my fingertips makes me feel a lot safe. He knows I’m a great shot and would be an idiot to push my buttons, ya know.

Safety first. Love ourselves. Protect ourselves.

Thanks for sharing!

B
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 10:01 am
  I was the same, Bren. I had this whole vision of how I wanted us to be during the process but that was far from reality. You’re a sharp shooter to boot! He better be cautious. Plus, you have your furbabies that would alert you and likely protect you. YES, safety first.
My Inner Chick
December 2, 2017 at 6:39 am
-Lisa,
thank you for being an advocate and voice for so many.

Love and Appreciation from Duluth. xxx
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:59 am
  Thanks, Kim! Back at ya xxoo !!
Tamara
December 1, 2017 at 6:02 pm
That gave me the chills about the husband letting himself in. Freaky..
When I was dating Cassidy, his ex snuck into his house and read all his emails to me. That was horrible.
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:58 am
  OMG, trespassing. That’s pretty creepy about Cassidy’s ex.
Jane Thrive
December 1, 2017 at 5:50 pm
Awesome post, Lisa. <3
FWIW–number 3 was helpful to me in my divorce. I kept a journal in order to deal with the crazy things that were happening, and it helped in my proceedings when my ex said i was a liar that I had documented the acts of violence. 🙁
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:57 am
  Yes, that’s so smart of you, Jane. Having details surrounding events or threats are key to credibility.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
December 1, 2017 at 4:46 pm
Scary things to consider, but your list is a very good one.
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:56 am
  Thanks, Marcia. Hope it helps those starting their divorce. 🙂
ShootingStarsMag
November 30, 2017 at 9:11 pm
Great post and really important information to keep in mind. Someone can definitely show violence after a divorce when they hadn’t before – this is a really emotional time that they’ve never dealt with before, so maybe they won’t deal with it well.

-Lauren
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:55 am
  Exactly true, Lauren. No history of violence doesn’t mean a person can’t become that way in an instant when there’s so much at stake. Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Charlotte
November 30, 2017 at 3:12 pm
I love you for sharing this, and you’re right. There are too many stories out there for us to hold on to the notion that “these things just don’t happen.” Until they do. Why not take some extra steps to be a bit more vigilant, before the “what if’s”?

I feel like the dissolution of marriage brings out a lot of emotions in people that you would never see under any other circumstance. I know that I have done and said things under duress and a fragile and completely broken heart that were so uncharacteristic for me, too. Anyway, always love the light you shed on such important topics, and also I want to hear all about your trip!! XOXO
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:54 am
  Thanks, Charlotte. I agree that divorce brings out the worst in everyone. It’s an emotional time…that said, best to stay on our toes and not take anything for granted when it comes to personal safety. Things can heat up pretty quickly.
Beth
November 30, 2017 at 1:24 pm
All great suggestions. We had a friend go through this recently and the locks is huge, her ex-husband used to just let himself in when she was at work during the day.
- lisa
  December 2, 2017 at 9:53 am
  Yes, the thing about the marital home is the ex sometimes feels the right to continue entering like it’s still theirs. It becomes an invasion of privacy at the very least.