photo source; children-and-dvorce.net
One of the most destructive patterns of behavior in a divorce is Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS as it is known in certain circles. I hadn’t heard of the term when I separated from my husband but if only I had, I would have seen the red flags flying above my head. While knowledge is power, I was naive. Even if you are not experiencing PAS, it’s important to understand what it is and at least recognize the signs.
What is PAS?
“Parental Alienation is a destructive form of parenting where one parent bad mouths directly to and within earshot of the children, the other parent (the target) with the intention of having the children lower their opinion of the other parent. What begins as bad mouthing can become verbal bashing and brainwashing in an attempt to estrange the children from the other parent and at the very least tainting the relationship. What is washed out of the children’s brains is any positive feelings or even loving memories of the other parent.” – excerpt-The Great Escape; A Girl’s Guide to Leaving a Marriage
It sounds impossible but believe me, it can happen. Children believe everything that parent tells them. Heck, it wasn’t that long ago they believed in Santa Claus. With their impressionable minds it isn’t difficult to manipulate and brainwash a child. It is a form of abuse nonetheless, unscrupulous parents do it as a means to their own ends.
Before we look at the signs in your children remember to always ask yourself, Is the child’s behavior directed at both parents or just me? This will help you decipher whether some of their behaviors are a result of growing pains or if they are the real result of alienation.
What are the SIGNS?
… in the children
they show a DISREGARD FOR YOU including your feelings, your property and any gifts or plans you have made for them
they VIEW THE OTHER PARENT AS PERFECT
they display UNCOMMON CONCERN for the other parent
they display ANXIETY OR FEAR of choosing to spend time with you
they PARROT ADULT LANGUAGE (they sound like your ex)
… in the parent
they are EXTREMELY POSSESSIVE of the children
they constantly INTERFERE AND DISREGARD YOUR TIME with the children
they MAKE PLANS with the children on your parenting weeks
they ENLISTS FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO MAKE PLANS with the children on your parenting time
they use the CHILDREN AS MESSENGERS
when YOU arrive to PICK UP THE CHILDREN BUT THEY’RE OUT with the other parent
they are in CONSTANT CONTACT with the children (multiple times per day)
they ‘NEED’ THE CHILDREN on your parenting time
they WITH HOLD CHILD SUPPORT to lessen your parenting power
they may show signs of NARCISSISTIC personality
TIPS-how to deal…
source; Pinterest
COMMUNICATE-Start talking about it, lay out the facts and discuss the issues with your children on their level
TEACH-that it’s okay to make mistakes in life and that no one is perfect, this will counteract the negative statements about you
LOVE-will win over abuse any day of the week! PA is a form of child abuse and love will eventually empower and overtake the destruction, even if it’s tough love
REMIND-them of all the good times you’ve had together and all the cherished memories you share, look through photos, tell funny stories of when they were little or from last year…rinse and repeat as often as possible to counteract the brainwashing
JOURNAL-your feelings and the events of the alienation to cope and have evidence if needed
I know I felt like this many times…but that’s why keeping a JOURNAL and writing things down can help
source; dreamstime
BONUS TIP
Above all else, do not give up on your children. You will feel like it some days and it will be painful but if you persevere you will win them back eventually. The number one mistake parents make in this situation is to remain silent.
DO NOT REMAIN SILENT. Silence is acceptance.
Taking the high road will leave you heartbroken. Telling the truth is not taking the low road, it is the counteraction of the lies. Don’t give up, stay strong, be aware and love your children.
photo source; dreamstime
The good news? Judges, lawyers and therapists are all very aware of the pattern and destruction of PA. They are making rulings against the parents and even grandparents that alienate children. This means it has a negative impact on the parent abusing their children in this way and ultimately, they will pay the price. Both parents deserve time with their children. To ask your child to reject their other parent is asking them to reject a part of themselves…I wish I could say we are making strides in stopping the behavior but I think it will always be a tool for vindictive parents. All we can do is our best to counteract it within our own families and that means communicating and educating everyone involved.
Check out my youtube video on PAS here.
Do you have a tip or a story? Leave a comment I LOVE ’em!
Resources; My bible on this subject is Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak
I also cover this subject in more detail in my book The Great Escape; A Girl’s Guide to Leaving a Marriage
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Andie
September 14, 2018 at 11:45 amThank you for the article. I am currently going through a divorce with a narcissist and we have 3 teenage children. I am blessed because my ex is so concerned with his own happiness and well being that he decided to move 1200 miles away 2 months after I left him (left in Sept 2017). I am also blessed because my ex’s rage has short circuited any rational thought he may possess. It is almost “easy” to counter anything that he brings up to the children through factual verification. I’m then left with “why would he say that to me then? Why would he lie to me?” To which I reply “I don’t know baby, but you asked about X and here it is.”
My ex attempts to alienate the children by blaming me for his own actions. Obviously we are all responsible for our own actions which makes this an easy argument. My boys have come to realize over the last year that their father makes his own choices and acts out of his own accord.
My daughter is having a much more difficult time. She has daddy on a pedestal and I am merely an annoyance in her life. The children’s therapist told me to not counter any arguments but just ignore, which I can no longer do. My daughter holds me responsible for all of her daddy’s actions. I don’t know how to get her to open her eyes. He constantly tells her lies and half truths about our financial situation (completely inappropriate for a 13 year old) and tells her that everything he can’t afford is my fault via child support or transportation for parenting time. However, she fails to acknowledge the sailboat he just bought, his 2 motorcycles, or his live in non-working girlfriend. I do my best to not accuse or argue on this side, to instead lead my daughter to analysis of the things being said to her and to acknowledge that there are things she is demanding answers to which a 13 year old should know nothing about. I am afraid that eventually I will lose my daughter to her father and if that ever were to happen…I will accept it with a heavy heart but I will never stoop to his level. God bless anyone who has the misfortune of dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder.
Kris
July 3, 2018 at 5:22 pmHi Lisa—
When dealing with parental alienation, what steps can you take legally to prove that it is taking place? It seems like it is almost impossible to prove because those doing it are great at fooling everyone into believing they are perfect. It truly is scary. The victim at the receiving end and the kids caught in the middle, are left to figure out how to navigate a legal system that thinks parents should just “get along” and try to work out their differences. But it’s impossible to do this when your ex is a narcissist who realizes he can use the kids as weapons to inflict pain on you and does not care—at all, what happens to the kids. Help.
lisa
July 3, 2018 at 5:54 pmHi Kris, document everything that is suspicious and out of character for the children. Statements made, missed occasions with you or your family, emails, phone calls made. If you can document time, place and what happened these details will give your side of the story credence. Hope that helps somewhat. I know it’s a hard thing to prove but if you have documentation to back up your accusations, it will go a long way in court. best to you.
How a Narcissistic Father Can Hurt His Son Or Daughter Here are some signs that your dad had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. | American Health News
May 13, 2018 at 2:20 pm[…] on you. So what begins as a type of possession can escalate into a destructive pattern of parental alienation. It is fair to say, a Narc parent is more likely than a regular parent, to use parental […]
Elizabeth
December 27, 2016 at 8:02 pmMy son was in a relationship with my now one year old grandson. She will not let him see him since he was only 7 months old. She tries to blame my son but every time he tries to see him she has an excuse. She is seeking supervised custody. My son has never harmed my grandson ever! He has however fell into her trap and reacted to her craziness in a verbally abusive manner towards her. But when they were together she was treated like a princess. Not even 2 months after their breakup she became pregnant and calls another man my grandsons “daddy” and she flaunts these things on social media and bad mouths him on there too! How can he convince a judge she is lying. They go for mediation in a week. That’s a joke in my opinion!
Elizabeth
December 27, 2016 at 8:03 pmI meant to say my grandsons mother, sorry!
lisa
January 2, 2017 at 5:14 pmWell, there is no sure-fire way to convince a judge that someone is lying. All your son can do is document everything. Every time he tries to see his son and is rejected. Every time she makes an excuse. If he has all of this with dates and times, it will be more convincing and credible. I hope he gets shared custody and there should be no reason for supervised custody unless there is a history of abuse or addiction etc. If he is clean he should be able to spend time with his son without any supervision. I hope it goes well for him. Mediation is a step in the right direction even if it doesn’t immediately resolve the custody issue, it can help move it forward.
Kate
June 8, 2016 at 9:46 amYou say to COMMUNICATE. But couldn’t this be perceived as bad-mouthing to the other parent?
lisa
June 10, 2016 at 6:53 pmNot if you always stick to the facts. Don’t embellish or exaggerate. Staying silent is detrimental and tends to corroborate lies and myths the children are being exposed to.
Behind Parental Alienation | The Great Escape Divorce Support
October 27, 2015 at 8:58 am[…] said, I’ve explained the basic premise of PA in an earlier post, but now I will try to explore the actual reasons for it. I use the father as an example here, but […]
Signs your children’s father has a Narcissistic personality | PARENTS HEALING FROM ESTRANGEMENT- #PAS
June 21, 2015 at 11:09 am[…] on you. So what begins as a type of possession can escalate into a destructive pattern of parental alienation. It is fair to say, a Narc parent is more likely than a regular parent, to use parental […]
Mike
October 11, 2013 at 7:06 pmHi again Lisa! I have obviously been to your blog before but I forgot how much I enjoyed your About Me page (now for the third time). To this post above, I lived with my father (my mother chose to leave) and he was very passive/aggressive in his bad mouthing. And when I saw “aggressive” I don’t mean threatening but just the constant hot/cold and saying she left, maybe I could ask her for some money, etc. They are both deceased now and did their best. But, I absolutely loathe parents who bad mouth the other PERIOD….but especially in front of their children. It will not have a good outcome down the road for how that stuff gets wrapped around in your kid’s head. Another great post, Lisa 🙂
lisa
October 11, 2013 at 11:20 pmHi Mike, thanks for your valuable input! I agree with you 100%. I see it firsthand, and even when the kids are grown. It’s very sad for those parents who just don’t ‘get’ it. UGH!
Teleah
October 10, 2013 at 9:17 amPAS can happen anytime or anywhere. And beware the narsissitic ex because you will keep paying, and paying, and paying…. Even 8 years AFTER the divorce. As a non custodial father, my ex played the system like a harp and throughout a 3 year custody battle (a year AFTER) the divorce, turned my son against me. They both made irrational and false accusations. Yet because he appeared so charming and “concerned”, because my son was parroting everything he said and it was 2 against one, and because he and his new wife have money, he got believed. He stopped paying child support, quit his job. Lived off of savings and his new wife at an economic level I could never hope to compete with and then alienated my son. Since that time I have somewhat repaired my relationship with my son, but the ex moved with him 1500 miles away after he graduated high school. They now live in million dollar homes in the northeast while our daughter and I manage to scrape by. I have the legal right to receive child support now for our daughter. But he is still playing games and I am afraid he will go after custody and try to alienate her as well. I don’t know what to do…. I am educated and have a decent job. But no leftover money for attorneys. I could use the support. She could use the support. But I am so scared of another 3 year court battle where the evaluators and lawyers all believe that I am crazy and neglectful without a shred of evidence…. As an example, the ex accused me of trying to commit suicide twice. That never happened. He had not a shred of proof or any medical or hospital records (although he was careful and stated that he locked me in the closet after one attempt, so he covered himself with no medical records there) I denied the accusation and was told that I was delusional and needed therapy to be able accept and face my actions…. Actions that I did not, nor would not do….. The more I denied it, the worse I looked….. I lost one child, I don’t know if I could bear to loose 2…..
lisa
October 10, 2013 at 10:05 amThanks for sharing your story Teleah. I’m very sorry you have gone through what sounds like Hell.
When a Narcissistic ex has the economic power in the legal system, it can certainly wreak havoc. $=power and if you don’t have the resources you are automatically vulnerable. However, you can take control of the child support issue. Child support has nothing to do with a custody hearing. The simple fact that your daughter resides with you full time, means he is required to pay child support based on his income. If you read my article Deadbeat 911, I give a step by step tutorial in how to seek child support in court as a self represented litigant, you may get some helpful tips to get started.
PAS is one of the most difficult things to overcome. I’m not sure how old your daughter is but if he has little access and great distance (living in another city) then he will have less opportunity to poison her. THis is child abuse…once the children are adults they will appreciate you as their mother. You will always be their mother and so you don’t have to compete with his lifestyle.
My Inner Chick
October 8, 2013 at 1:01 pmMy girlfriend just got divorced. I never realized how difficult it was for all concerned….especially the children.
She tells me things– and I’m like “WOW, I never thought of that. I didn’t understand before.”
Her divorce is VERY civil. They are both SUPERB parents…
and it’s still heartbreaking difficult.
I mean, she’s already worrying about the Holidays. You know?
Great post. Thanks for the education. Xx
lisa
October 8, 2013 at 1:49 pmI always love to hear about the civil divorces-Yay! She’s wise to anticipate the holiday schedule now so no one is disappointed later. Thanks Kim, for stopping by!
Beverly Diehl
October 7, 2013 at 6:17 pmSometimes people stay in a bad marriage because they are afraid of this, but I’m guessing parental alienation can also happen WITHIN a marriage, too.
I don’t think occasionally asking to switch weekends is a biggie – it’s when those requests are ALWAYS happening (and often at the last minute) that it’s clearly a game. Whatever you do, however your ex tries to use the kids to get at you, do NOT do the same back at him (or her).
lisa
October 7, 2013 at 7:02 pmYes and yes. It can happen within a marriage but it’s a little more subtle. You are so right about not doing it back as that will not solve anything and create even more chaos for the kids. Thanks, Beverly for your input 🙂