Going no-contact with a narcissist takes a great deal of determination, strength and a strong will to let go and move forward. My video on that subject is here.
There is no question that going no contact results in a better life for you but it does not necessarily erase all after effects of the narcissist. One of the things that is typical of narcissists is that they want to control you even after you have gone no contact. How can they do that if you have zero contact with them?
Well, the way they do it is with the mutual people in your life. You probably already know that maintaining mutual friends is impossible without continued drama—because of Flying Monkeys. But then parenting with a narcissist, even adult children, makes for a consistent mutual connection. Sure, it may be a distant connection in that you don’t speak but it’s still a powerful opportunity for the narcissist to continue their smear campaign.
This also applies to the narcissist in a family whether they’re a parent or sibling. The goal of the narcissist is to continue to influence people into accepting that you are a bad person who has done bad things to them. It doesn’t matter how many years pass, the goal remains the same. You see, the narcissist is unable to move on from the person who spurned their reputation. They will spend the rest of their days convincing anyone who will listen that you are the evil force behind their problems.
This quote sums up the goal of the narcissist quite well:
“If a Narcissist can no longer control you, they will try to control what people think of you.”
author unknown
The narcissist attempts to taint your character by denigrating you to mutual acquaintances and/or family. This will manifest in unexpected ways. For example, you may experience sudden silence from someone close to you (a sibling, an adult child, a cousin, even a parent). You try to recall your last conversation with this person, to attempt to figure out what could have gone wrong. You can’t find anything. The conversation was normal, yet this person is suddenly not answering your texts or phone calls. Worse yet, someone close to you may suddenly become angry with you and accuse you of something outlandish. Ask yourself this, what is the one thing you have in common with this person? If it’s a narcissist, you can bet that they are at the root of this problem.
The narcissist resents one thing; your happiness. If you have gone no contact with the narcissist in your life, they are loathed to see you happy, successful and joyous. The very idea that you are successful especially in your relationship with mutual family and friends, drives them crazy. They must destroy this happiness and because they can’t directly do it, they sabotage from behind the scenes. They continue to tear you down, blame you for their problems, and finally ensure that these mutual loved ones will no longer view you as a good person or someone they can trust.
What’s to be done about these insidious lingering effects of going no contact with the narcissist?
Understand that people who believe the narcissist’s lies don’t deserve you in their life-Letting go of the mutual connections that you may still have with the narcissist is imperative to your healing and moving forward. There will be one exception to this rule. Read on to see.
What the ex-narc says about you is none of your business-you heard that right. At one time, you were constantly concerned about the lies and smearing the narcissist did against you. You were constantly having to defend yourself to people and “explain” yourself and your life to counter the lies. Those days are over, my friend. It is time to leave that in the past. What the narcissist says about you is none of your concern. You are focused on your life with people who love and accept you, not the narcissist. You’ve gone high while they go low. Let them. You are flying far above them now.
The exception to rule #1 is your children. If your ex happens to have strong narcissistic qualities, you’ll still need/want to continue contact with your children, no matter what age. In order to combat the insidious character assassinations, your very presence in the life of your loved one is required. The counter to the narcissist is your actions, words and sane presence. You don’t need to ask what is being said about you to counter it (see #2).
The one caveat here is that if your children ignore you, do not want to see you, then you must let go in order to emotionally remain healthy. Although we will do anything for love (like Meatloaf says) we won’t do that. We won’t suffer our dignity and subject ourselves to constant rejection. I often advise those who contact me with lingering divorce issues, mainly parental alienation, that they must do everything they can to maintain a relationship with their child but when their mental and physical health begins to suffer, they must take a break to heal.
Take up a passion by taking a class, joining a group, or learning something new. This absolutely takes focus off the narc and the lingering effects they cause, and allows you to continue to build your strength. Ask yourself what you loved as a child? We often forget our passions as we age and suffering the abuse of a narcissist can certainly steal (and allow us to give away) our own unique qualities. It’s time to take it back and embrace our passions.
Talk to a professional-there is no doubt that the lingering effects are painful. Because the narcissist is often covert in their tactics after you’ve gone no contact, it makes it hard to decipher what is and what is not the basis of the narcissistic tactic. A good therapist who understands narcissism can really help you to see things in a new light and take the confusion out of these lingering effects. Also, the therapist can help you put a new perspective on these important, but still mutual, people in your life.
The lingering effects of the narcissist is a real and not imagined thing. It can be frustrating when we see the effects in those close to us, who are also still close to the narcissist. We have no control over it. We only have control over our own reactions. The good news is that we can overcome these effects so that they lessen their impact on our life and relationships. We are no longer a victim of the narcissist and we demonstrated that when we went no-contact.
You can continue your contact and relationship with loved ones even if they are also connected with the narcissist. What the narcissist says about you is not your problem nor are the people who believe those lies. Instead, letting go of flying monkies, and taking up new passions will remind you of how strong and resilient you truly are. A good therapist can also help you sort through what is and what is not, the lingering effects of narcissist abuse. Simply understanding that it is real and not your imagination, while balancing your life with new people and goals will help you continue a joyful life.
If this post resonated with you, or if you have a question feel free to leave a comment. Please share if you think this post will help a friend.
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Samantha deighton
October 14, 2019 at 10:36 amI’m currently going through a divorce with a full on narcissist !
I’ve stopped all contact but my stress is at a all time high trying to keep my daughter safe , she has endured some terrible actions from him .
There currently not talking and my daughter is in the “strong stage “ she’s angry with him and she’s stopped contact , I know it’s only a matter of time before she forgives him , she seeks love from him constantly but we always end up back at this . he has never really been much of a father to her he tries to win her over with cash and gifts then if that fails he puts guilt trips On her bringing up his brothers
(my daughters) uncles death and how he has no one , he’s constantly arguing with his side of the family .
He would start a argument with himself in a empty lift !!
Anyway where we’re at now is my daughter messaged her dad calling him out on all his constant grief and BS and excuses and said she’s had enough !
To which he replied “that’s very disrespectful “ which is Ritch coming from him .
He borrowed £50 of my 14 yr old daughter ( even though he works off shore and receives a good wage )
He doesn’t pay a penny towards maintenance . This is another typical example of how much he thinks of his daughter ! my daughter gave him her last bit of money , he promised to give her it back 3 days later , anyway 3 weeks further in she still hadn’t got her money back and when she asked for it he oppologised and said he hasn’t got it and he’s sorry .
Then 2 days later she messaged asking if when he’s home on the weekend could they do something to which he replied , of course babe but just not on the Saturday as he had a date with a girl he’d just met !
My first thought is , you’ve not seen your daughter in over a month why would you be putting a girl you’ve known 2 minutes a priority !! But my daughter also pointed out – how can he not afford to pay me back but he has money to take a girl out , this is what she called him out on and my goodness all hell broke lose , he just doesn’t see that he’s done anything and just pushes the blame to her and highlights everything other than the topic there arguing about .
She came home from school in tears saying her dad is laying it on thick with texts such as “ life is to short for this and is this all coming from you or your mam ! Blames everyone but himself !!
I’m looking for help as I’m sick of going round in circles and it’s breaking my heart that my daughter is going to have this in her life forever , I’m in desperate need of help ! I’m lost as to what advice to give her with knowing that it’ll be all blown over in a few weeks and there will be new dramas ahead .
Was thinking about have her seeing a counsellor .
his favourite line he likes to use is , women love me and men wanna be me !! Honestly I pity him he has nothing worthy in his life just this massive show “
lisa
October 16, 2019 at 12:23 pmHi Samantha, I think getting counseling with a therapist who specializes in this personality disorder, is a good idea for both you and your daughter. It will help you manage the drama, and the relationship your daughter naturally wants to have with him. It will help her understand that his insults and projections are not her fault, or even about her.
Financially speaking, there are legal avenues you can take to get him to pay his support.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
July 11, 2019 at 9:06 amI’ve dealt with my share of narcissists in my family and everything you said here is so true!
lisa
July 16, 2019 at 7:26 amI’m sorry to hear that, Marcia. But it sounds like you’ve got it figured out, plus I hope this post was helpful 🙂
Eli@CoachDaddy
July 9, 2019 at 8:30 amI remember when my understanding of narcissism was limited to the belief that they just liked to look at themselves in the mirror. No. 4 is a wonderful device for any time you have to try and find your way back to yourself. It’s tragic that people in this world make it such a life mission to put people they once loved in a position to have to work so hard to reclaim a life.
lisa
July 9, 2019 at 4:16 pmyes, and I remember when I thought a narcissist was a flower 😛 So unfortunate to have to learn about this personality disorder. So true, Eli. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Mabel Kwong
July 7, 2019 at 4:42 amA informative post on the narcissists in our lives and how to deal with them, Lisa. I’ve often wondered how to deal with them, and your thoughts gave me some food for thought. I do think narcissm is a personality trait, and when that self-obsession gets to the point where it smears and brings down others, it is not acceptable. I think you summed it up when you say what they say about you is none of your business. Focusing on our lives and what we can do is the best way to move forward. But when what a narcissist says starts to influence what others thing about you, maybe there is some confrontation to be had.
lisa
July 7, 2019 at 2:29 pmHi Mabel, love your new profile picture 🙂 Exactly, true. We need to focus on our own lives and make improvements and live with joy rather than obsess about what the narcissist is doing.
Tamara
July 4, 2019 at 7:50 pmIt’s a scary personality type (disorder?) and I know I’ve known a few, or many, but it’s so hard to wrap my head around it. Which I suppose is good because I’m not one and don’t surround myself with them.
I always wonder if they can be helped.
lisa
July 5, 2019 at 3:42 pmYes, it’s hard to even realize it until you’re in it, that someone may have this disorder. From what I understand, very few can be helped, unfortunately.
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
July 4, 2019 at 6:29 amLots of great tips here. I especially agree with the one about friends who believe the narcissist over you. Who needs friends like that?
lisa
July 5, 2019 at 3:41 pmThanks, Suzanne. Exactly 🙂
macky lasmu
July 2, 2019 at 2:27 amWhat you say is true. Narcissists are not worth the time or effort, go out and find your passion or hobby to keep your mind of it all and take no notice to the lies they spread.
lisa
July 2, 2019 at 10:26 amYes, it’s hard to do but definitely worth it. Thanks, Macky, for sharing.
Jeri
June 30, 2019 at 4:42 pmNarcissist or not, the no-contact rule has been a hard one for me to stick to with the ex-boyfriend. Yet, everytime we communicate, it doesn’t go well. I’ve learned so much these past five years!
lisa
July 2, 2019 at 10:25 amNo-contact is hard after any relationship. Does he initiate communication with you, or are you guys connected with work or mutual friends? the learning curve is pretty sharp 😛
Marie Kléber
June 28, 2019 at 2:03 amThank you so much for writing this Lisa.
My grandma is one of them and I will print your post and share it with my mum. Cause it’s so hard for her to deal with this. Narcissits want to destroy. And they want to overpower you.
It’s tough when it’s a family issue cause many are impacted. But you’re right we MUST protect ourselves.
Narcissists issues are theirs. Not ours. Well said!
lisa
June 28, 2019 at 8:54 amIt’s so tough to have a parent narcissist. When your mum tries to do everything for her mum, no doubt, nothing is right. It is a tiresome and vicious circle. Destroy and overpower are their objectives; especially for those who have stood up to them. I hope this article helps your mum. Thanks for sharing and stopping by, Marie. Always great to hear from you.
DGKaye
June 27, 2019 at 8:49 pmWell, you’re talking my language here today Lis. I lived all of what you wrote above and so I write, lol. Very good tips. It took me 50 years to go no contact – a very difficult thing to do after be sucked in over and over again. But yes, you will never change them and the only way is no contact. 🙂
lisa
June 28, 2019 at 8:50 amYES. OMG, you are a living example of doing everything for the narcissist parent and still, the rejection and venom is directed at you. There is no right way with these people, Deb. They will hoover you back over and over to gain control over you. You have found your voice now! 6 books later!! 🙂
Balroop Singh
June 27, 2019 at 7:36 pmI can understand the mindset of a narcissist Lisa, and you have rightly pointed out that the solution lies in maintaining our distance from them even in our thoughts. Their vindictive instincts never get satiated and they can go to any extent about poisoning other members of the family against you. But who cares! If they think we don’t know about their toxicity, let them gloat to themselves!
Excellent tips! Thanks for sharing.
lisa
June 28, 2019 at 8:47 amYou are so right, Balroop. I like the idea of “maintaining a distance even in our thoughts”. Our thoughts are so powerful, if we spend time thinking about and worrying about what a narcissist is saying, we are wasting our time! Yes, let them gloat to themselves! Thanks, Balroop, for your unwavering support.
Christine Carter
June 27, 2019 at 1:53 pmLisa, this was SO informative and helpful. Your insights into narcissism and dealing with a narcissistic x are incredibly wise. THANK YOU for writing this. I am going to be sharing it on my page, so more women can understand how these types of people work and how to manage the behavior they demonstrate consistently. Sigh. So awful. I feel for every woman who has to endure this type of relationship.
lisa
June 27, 2019 at 2:20 pmThank you for stopping over, Chris. I’ve certainly researched quite a bit on the topic 😉 Thank you for sharing the post with others.