I wrote a post about how to tell the difference between a run of the mill A**hole and a Narcissist. I wrote it about six months ago and it has quickly topped my most popular blog ranking. Yes, there is a difference between an A**hole and a Narcissist and apparently many folks are interested in the subject. Next, I wrote about managing the narcissist in your life. I covered many tips and examples of how to handle the narcissist.
So, now let’s remind ourselves why we are foolish to continue relationships with Narcs and why sometimes even setting boundaries isn’t enough.
1. You’re always wrong.
Never mind the facts. The facts are always negotiable with a Narc. They will exaggerate, change and retell the facts to suit them. They will lie. The facts don’t matter because you’re wrong, regardless. Even if you’re in a court room the truth can be misrepresented in front of a supremely intelligent judge. In other words, lies can be substituted for truth and fact presented as fiction because there will always be blurred lines with a Narcissist. The Narc will lie to cover up your truth.
2. The Narcissist does not care for or love you.
They may proclaim their love. They may scream and shout about how much they care about you (usually in a patronizing way). You can rest assured the only time you’ll hear that kind of proclamation is when you have done something they don’t approve of. They will tell you how ‘concerned’ they are about you because you’ve ‘changed’. Why? You no longer do as they ask or tell you to. You’re no longer fulfilling their wishes.
They falsely ‘love’ you when you are supplying them with their ego’s needs. This probably sounds familiar whether your ex is a narc or you’re a child, an employee, a sibling or a friend of a Narc. It doesn’t matter; you are a supply, a pawn. The minute you stop being a source of supply that’s the minute the narc stops ‘loving’ you.
It goes like this; ‘Love’ turns to ‘concern’ which quickly turns to anger and resentment. “How dare she treat me that way?”, “How dare she give me the silent treatment, after all I’ve done for her.” These are common complaints of a narcissist.
3. The Narcissist does not see you as an individual.
You are simply a part of their world, their agenda and are exploited as such. Your tastes, interests, opinion are not of interest to the Narc (unless they corroborate his). Instead, you are a reflection of them. You are part of their plan and must fulfill their needs. That means that if you are different than they are and represent something they can’t understand, they will not tolerate it.
4. You will be charmed by the Narcissist.
Yes, that’s right. Even though they don’t care about you, they don’t see you as an individual and you’re mostly always wrong; you will be charmed by their humor, generosity and artificial warmth. They’re gregarious, nice people when they want to be. How do you think they maintain their supply? By being friendly and warm until you challenge or question them, then review first 3 points above.
5. You will eventually have to set severe limits or end the relationship altogether. After all four of the above scary facts are recognized and obviously taking a big chunk out of your everyday happiness, you will want to do something about it. It is impossible as a normal functional, beautiful human being to continue a relationship with a Narc. The time will come when you have to set boundaries, or completely disconnect, depending on the circumstances.
Those are the 5 scary facts of being in a relationship with a Narc. But what about the asshole? You might be wondering again, what’s the difference and can I have a relationship with one? The answer is yes, you can. In fact, assholes are much easier to deal with. They usually show remorse when they are caught out on their bad habits. They have the ability to apologize and try to change.
Of course, ultimately we want to have relationships with people who are respectful, considerate, polite, pleasant and generous. We want to be around people who see us as individuals and care for us in spite of our differences in opinion.
You can tell the difference. A**holes are capable of empathy while Narcs are not. A**holes although argumentative will appreciate and encourage different opinions while Narcs will not. So, not that I would condone having an a**hole for a boyfriend, lover or friend, they’d certainly be a step up from a Narc.
This video by Smakintosh explains the Narc the best…
Narcissist will tell you you’re wrong no matter what the facts, evidence or event in question
Narcissists do not care for or love you
Narcissists do not see you as an individual
Narcissists can take you in with their charm
A relationship with a Narcissist ultimately comes to an end or is moderated with strong boundaries to maintain your sanity.
The point of listing these 5 scary facts about narcissists, is to remind you that no matter what you do for them, they will turn against you the moment you stop catering to their every whim. Recognizing that the relationship is not reciprocal and that you are not crazy or wrong are important facts to keep you on track with your own life goals.
Narcissists take and take. They hurt and wound. They rarely are capable of change, so don’t set yourself up for disappointment in thinking there is something beyond the cold stare you get when you speak your mind.
Further information;
From Victim to Survivor Sam Vaknin
Narcissist Uses Money to Enslave, Bribe Victim – Sam Vaknin
5 Powerful Ways Narcissist Abusers Get Inside Your Head– Self Care Haven
Narcissists take and take. They hurt and wound. They rarely are capable of change. 5 scary facts of being in a relationship with a #narcissist. Share on XLiked this post? Grab the author’s latest book:
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Tricia Gervasio
July 25, 2020 at 10:45 amAwesome info, answered all my questions.
Lisa
April 17, 2017 at 5:49 amI would like to say to every beautiful person on this site, you didn’t get used. You all are the ones with the beautiful hearts, so don’t feel bad…ever! He/she is the sick one. Thank God my narcissist encounter was with a friend, nothing more. I saw the *Huge* red flags signs immediately. My Mom always taught me to watch people actions, never word’s alone and to always love myself a little extra, when a situation doesn’t being peace. I would thank her everyday if I could. She saved my life. R.I.P. Mom. Your the beautiful ones, never forget again. “Huge hugs”
Megan
December 27, 2016 at 2:38 amGreat blog, I’m going through a separation with a narc as we speak, he has conned me back twice since I left by saying everything I wanted to hear, the first night I’m back there he is blaming and shaming me again, he turned the reason I left in the first place into something completely different, he tried blaming every thing but himself until blaming himself was his only option, then I started listening (stupid me), went back and bam it’s all my fault again! I’ve never felt more head f@&#ed in my life! I’ve left again today, I’ve blocked him on social media on my phone, everything! I know I have to stay no contact, it’s the only way I will get through it! God they are good at what they do, I’m lucky that my family have opened there homes and hearts to me after being so isolated from them! No one will ever take my family away from me again! I had become so lonely and life was so grey… every minute of my day, if I weren’t at work was taken up by him and was about him! I’m so excited to find myself again! Narc abuse is real, it’s wrong and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy… big hugs to all you beautiful caring woman who got taken advantage of! Our warm hearts and caring nature is a strength, they just played it as our weakness…
I don’t think you can ever fully recover from this type of person, how ever I will certainly never doubt my judgement and the alarm bells will be ringing pretty quickly If I stumble across this again! Thank you to all those that shared, it’s comforting knowing your not alone 😘
lisa
January 2, 2017 at 5:17 pmHi Megan, good for you for finally letting him go and staying strong. You are wise to cut off all contact at this point until you re-establish your life without him. Yes, they are good at what they do—manipulate and blame you for everything. It’s great you have your family to lean on now. Thanks for stopping over here and sharing!
Kiki
October 9, 2016 at 3:23 pmAfter 7 years, I’m finding out just exactly what a narcissist is. It actually took a good friend and mentor to point out to me what I was dealing with. I had caught him cheating and he turned it all around on me! Like it was my fault. I couldn’t understand how all of a sudden, he had changed, overnight, in to someone I no longer recognize. The famous gaslighting, silent treatment, triangulation, deflection. I can set my watch by him based on the reaction that I give him. Elite malignant narcissist. I know that we are in the discard phase now and am waiting for the shoe to drop. I’m already planning my exit and no contact. This will be fun for me now…
lisa
October 13, 2016 at 10:12 amHi Kiki, you sound like you have a solid understanding of who you’re dealing with and what steps to take. Good for you. Feel free to share any links here that have helped you. Best to you in your next phase.
Ana-Maria
October 9, 2016 at 1:02 pmI have just broken up with a Narc. I did not know why he was like he was till a friend suggest i look up what a Narcissist is. I now know that this 3rd time he came back was planned very carefully. Every single thing he said was a lie he also has more than one other girlfriend did the disappearing act most weekends manipulated me to extort money from me was mean with his money treats his son badly flaunted his ex to me got very angry when i confronted him about not answering his phone for a day or two when he said he would see me the next day. Always sick or tired when he wanted to avoid anything let me down and then found out he had met with his ex whilst i was waiting for him to meet me. Never said sorry. Complete racist never had friends or took me out. And a lot lot more. I fear for his son who lives with him.All this but i still believed him each time when he started with me again. It was all lies and now i am sueing him for the money he owes me. Am i in danger or do i get a restaining order against him
catherine
August 25, 2016 at 7:52 pmSo happy and pleased I am no longer married to the ex husband. I was aware of his upbringing that I believed to be the cause of his narcissistic personality…but after he behaved so horribly by betraying me in our twenty ninth year of marriage and walking out…..I was determined to survive..and thrive. I am so much better off to not have any contact with him. He isn’t “really a person” was just one thing my psychiatrist told me about him… he has no conscious and he used me till he had no more need of me… it’s so sad to think he has that personality but I have to take care of myself and pray for him…. It is NOT possible to have any kind of relationship with a person with Narc Personality
Darlene Crawford
August 13, 2016 at 12:08 pmI’m looking for articles about mothers of adult narcissists.
lisa
August 15, 2016 at 7:39 amHi Darlene, google your topic and i’m sure plenty of articles will pop up. Psychology websites provide valuable resources as well. Good luck.
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July 28, 2016 at 8:20 am[…] going to do about it? First, you’re going to stop being too nice then you’re going to set strong boundaries (not the same as a wall), and you’re going to use these tips for dealing with a […]
Marie
November 25, 2015 at 2:03 amI’m currently in the process of divorcing a narcissist. Even despite that he was planning on recuperating from back surgery at my house with me and two little kids. His parents were planning on staying with us to take care of him night and day.
I guess I know where the narcissism comes from.
lisa
November 26, 2015 at 10:57 amHi Marie, well that’s interesting that his parents will drop everything and stay night and day 🙂 I don’t think that’s what causes narcissism though. It’s actually the opposite. People who have had an abusive or neglected childhood are more likely to become narcissistic (to a degree). I hope you and the kids are doing well! p.s Know that he won’t reciprocate if it were you recovering from back surgery.
Debbie
October 8, 2018 at 9:49 pmNarcissists can also be so selfish because they have been put on a pedestal. Abuse or being the golden child. I’ve been married to two of them. It’s ruined my life. Still with the second one because I’m afraid of the divorce. They lie cheat and steal. And convince others that they are great people. And I would look like the crazy one. I know him and 23 years has almost killed me.
Parental Alienation | Lisa Thomson How To Leave Marriage
June 3, 2015 at 5:52 pm[…] may show signs of NARCISSISTIC […]
totally Caroline
April 19, 2015 at 3:00 pmLooking back, I now know that i was married to a narcissit for many years, but i was perfectly happy. It was my normal. It is only now that I can see it. The only person my ex is ever capeable of loving is himself. I realize that now.
lisa
April 19, 2015 at 5:55 pmUnderstanding this personality disorder can sure give us some “aha” moments. Thanks, Caroline for stopping over!
Kelly Hashway
April 17, 2015 at 7:22 amThis seems spot on to me. I’ve met a few people like this in my life. Thankfully, they aren’t in my life anymore.
lisa
April 17, 2015 at 8:43 amThat’s the way to do it, Kelly. Keep them out of your life. Thanks for stopping over!
Shelah
April 17, 2015 at 6:08 amGreat post, Lisa! You outline the characteristics of narcissists so well. I have some loved ones in my life who are Ns, in fact there is a pattern of relating in families called the “Narcissistic Family Disorder.” This pattern in families is usually how Ns are born. The positive is that Ns can grow and heal, but often they don’t realized they’re wounded. I’ve read a very comprehensive book about this family pattern and the underlying dynamics that create people so wounded they can’t feel empathy for others, and posted a blog about it last June if you’re interested in learning more. http://www.theopenjar.com/?p=744
lisa
April 17, 2015 at 8:42 amThank you, Shelah. I’ve never heard of “Narcissistic Family Disorder”. Thanks for bringing that up here and sharing your link! Ultimately we can feel bad for them but we have to protect our own emotional health, no matter what. Nice to see you, Shelah!
Corina Ramos
April 16, 2015 at 6:02 pmHi lisa,
Wow, you just described my ex..but he then again he was both :). And boy he was a great liar…I have to hand it to him.
I just wonder what kind of hurt he endured to turn into a kind of person like that…it’s like their souls are empty. I feel bad for them.
Great post lisa! Thanks for sharing it with us. I hope it’s been a great week. 🙂
Cori
lisa
April 17, 2015 at 8:39 amHi Corina, there’s a lot of ex Narcs out there. It was a difficult divorce for you, no doubt. Ultimately you do feel pity for the narc as they don’t understand love and therefore are the ones missing out. I’m curious about the nature v. nurture link to this disorder, too. I mean everything I’ve read points to childhood trauma but what if someone was born more narcissistic? Thanks for stopping over 🙂
Tamara
April 16, 2015 at 11:22 amThe list scares me! I don’t believe I am one, nor my husband, but I have a few friends going through divorces with narcissists and I’ve been listening a lot to what they say. It’s like what you say! They’re always wrong! They feel that they get charmed easily, but then things get rough again.
lisa
April 16, 2015 at 4:25 pmI doubt your hubby is a Narcissist. You would recognize these definitive qualities but instead they are unfamiliar to you (so that’s a great sign). There’s a difference between being a jerk and a Narc, right? A jerk can usually stop and look at the big picture where the Narc can only stop and think about himself in the picture and how things affect him.
Marie
April 16, 2015 at 1:27 amYou described my Ex husband. Every single thing I could say is always wrong. He is also very good at turning things upside down and trying to persuade me I am the crazy one.
For long I just wanted to think he was an a**hole. But no. He was a Narcissist. And leaving him was the best things I did, cause there is no relationship possible with this kind of person. At the end of the day, they only destroy you.
Thank you for talking about this subject Lisa. It’s important for share such things.
lisa
April 16, 2015 at 4:23 pmSo, you know exactly what this feels like. In the end you can never give enough and it leaves you empty. Thanks for sharing and stopping over, Marie!
Liv
April 15, 2015 at 6:44 pmYes…there’s never a win with a narcissist. When you recognize the traits you’re best to get as far away as possible…
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 8:44 pmHey Liv, yes simply put “you’re best to get away from them”. Thanks for stopping over and sharing your thoughts! Hugs.
My Inner Chick
April 15, 2015 at 3:41 pm–These traits describe Kay’s murderer..
except he WAS NOT charming.
xx kiss from MN.
Thank you for all you do for women.
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 8:43 pmYou know what, Kim? That description doesn’t surprise me. He was on the psychotic end of the Narc scale. Educating people on this disorder is so important. xoxo
Mabel Kwong
April 15, 2015 at 4:12 amVery informative post, Lisa. You summed up a narc’s personality so well. I’ve come across a number of people like that in my life, both social and professional. They are indeed charming – making you feel welcome and valued until they are having a bad day and they might take out their anger on you.
I suppose you are a pawn in the eye’s of a narc. A pawn to make them look good. I’ve had a number of friends who can’t stand going to social events like parties, concerts or even a simple talk-event on their own. They’d always want to drag me along so they can tell their other friends “they went with someone” (heard that straight from the horse’s mouth). After declining a number of invites, they never asked me out again.
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 2:39 pmHi Mabel and welcome to The Great Escape blog. That’s a great example of a self centered person dragging you along to a function not because they value your company but because they don’t want to feel vulnerable being alone at a social event. Having a Narc for a boss would be very challenging to say the least. I recommend reading my post on how to manage the narc in your life, if that’s the case. Thanks, Mabel for sharing your thoughts here!
Jane H.
April 15, 2015 at 2:33 amLisa,
Reply to your reply – Correct me if I’m wrong, but the basic purpose of your post is to protect people who are in a relationship with narcissistic people, whether that’s an early stage or a pretty established stage, especially a romantic or friend relationship (It’s so much more complicated with it’s a parent or other close family member… as you see in my blog).
The best way to protect oneself is, I think, to be aware of your own feelings, as early as possible, before commitments are made (or children are made!), before the fireworks of the passion of romance made it difficult to extricate oneself. If you feel that basic needs aren’t being met, they likely aren’t. If you’re feeling emotionally dismissed, you probably are being, and will continue to be, no matter what you do to try to change things, or the other person. And then your checklist is important: that the person will not change. Because the narcissist is often a charmer,and uses his own personal traumas as a hook to get your sympathy, it’s difficult to see through all this and to recognize the danger signs, and easy for some to fall into the trap.
Recall the enduring Greek story of Narcissus: He was so in love with himself that he eventually drowned in a pool of water by going after his image. And the person in a relationship with a narcissist can – and usually does – end up in that water, too.
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 2:11 pmThat’s great advice, Jane! Yes, my aim here is to hit the reader with the reality of trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist. In my previous posts I cover identifying the disorder and how to manage it. This one is the hard truth of many situations with Narcs. Thanks, Jane for your tips 🙂
tracie @ beets+birch
April 14, 2015 at 11:27 pmsuch good information lisa! there seems to be a lot about narcissism coming out more and more.
my sister in law is divorcing a narcissist the stories are incredible.
i’ve passed on your site to her.
lisa
April 15, 2015 at 2:09 pmHi Tracie, yes, we’re hearing a lot more about it which is a good thing. Education is always helpful. Thanks for sending my link on and I hope your sis-in-law gets through it okay!
Balroop Singh
April 14, 2015 at 7:02 pmHi Lisa,
You are absolutely right. Narcs think they are the victims, they want all the love, the attention and empathy for whatever they do for the other person and never get out of their hurts. They make those to be their excuses and derive benefits. They possess the ability to turn tables on you, blame you even for their own faults.
I feel it is no use trying to carry on any relationships with such individuals as they don’t budge at all. Their ideas are fixed, they are always right and you have to follow them like a shadow. Then also they will turn back and say…how dare you follow me!!
They are incorrigible…mentally sick and insecure.
lisa
April 14, 2015 at 10:11 pmYes, you nailed it, Balroop! The trick is figuring out who is the narc before we get attached. It would save us the trouble. “Incorrigible”—I like that word. 🙂
Tristan
November 24, 2015 at 3:15 pmYes, it’s always your fault…”I’m reacting to how you are treating me” or “You provoke me”
If I try and explain myself or express how I feel I get hung up on, or he’ll just say “I’m not listening to this” and walk out-
He can berate me, call me names but I can’t express what I’m trying to get out?
He tells me I never have anything nice to say about him, never say positive things…how can I?
Says that I treat him like shit and I don’t love him…
We’ve been together for almost 5 years, I can’t tell you how many times he’s stonewalled me-Now I live in the same bldg, actually just one floor up and he’s ignored me since Oct. 21st, it’s Nov. 24th today…he will never just walk up to my floor and say hello, or apologize…or even USE the key I gave him early this year-
It’s all on me, yet he will always flip it and say I was the horrible one, I bring chaos, I am not rational and always stir things up-
lisa
November 26, 2015 at 10:58 amHi Tristan, this man sounds toxic. I suggest you change your lock (since you gave him a key). Consider it a gift that he ignores you. I know that’s hard to hear because he probably has some wonderful qualities that attracted you to him. He is playing with your head by telling you that you don’t love him enough and don’t say enough ‘positive things’. Detach, detox and move onward. So glad you found this article and that it gave you some inspiration 🙂
Daphne
November 28, 2018 at 11:39 pmHi Lisa. I am still in love with my husband of 20 years in January. I didn’t realize he was a narc until about a year ago. And he didn’t act like this the first 10 or 12 years. He can always make me come crawling back like a puppy after a big fight and cower to him. Because he now believes that hurting me is exhilarating. I think. He thinks getting in my face and threatening me or scaring me will make me not ask any questions or beg him to care about me and our kids. I ask him to change, no beg him. And he says he can’t promise anything. But will try. I know in my heart that he won’t, but I love him. I’m addicted to him. And I want our family to stay together. However, he is not doing anything for us. We are virtually homeless and living in our RV and he is more concerned with staying to help friends with projects than do something to help our family. I need help to find strength for the following days. I have said that me and our kids are moving to another state where my daughter lives so I have some family because I am so isolated with no support or friends. He leaves and stays gone all day and night sometimes and has no apologies. He says because he’s not cheating, then it shouldn’t matter. How do I find myself again.? And try to get over our memories that we’re good? How do I find strength to carry on. I am sick. I don’t think I am strong enough for this change this late in my life. Please help me. Nobody understands why I stay. I don’t know how to not take care of him. I don’t know how to live on my own. Without him.
Jane H.
April 14, 2015 at 11:27 amI have all too much experience – all of it sad – with narcissists. The difficulty is that narcissists are also humans and there are often very early childhood experiences that formed this persona. It is easy to have sympathy, even empathy, for them, and that can draw you in to the repeated disappointment and the feelings that one experiences when interacting with a narcissist, and trying to get what you cannot. While they may have had these early childhood experiences that leave them scarred this way, it’s dangerous for the “other” to be involved with them. It’s always a one-way street. So important is what you said: “They rarely are capable of change, so don’t set yourself up for disappointment.” They may give you a cold stare, or what also hurts, change the topic entirely.
When you’re a child and your parents are narcissists, it’s difficult to walk away and that sets up kids of narcissists for a lot of problem relationships as adults. And some kids of narcissists turn into narcissists themselves.
lisa
April 14, 2015 at 3:56 pmHi Jane, thanks for your insight on this hot topic. I appreciate your thoughts. I agree, it’s usually from childhood trauma or unhappiness that the disorder evolves. Ultimately though it’s their family and spouses that are the victims. Educating kids of narcissists becomes essential for their mental health, too. So, children can grow up to be adults with solid self esteem and without self blame.
Chrys Fey
April 14, 2015 at 11:08 amIt makes me wonder how people become narcissists. I mean, to get to the point where they don’t see others as individuals and only love themselves? That sounds extraordinary. I know it happens and I know there are narcissists out there, I just want to know how or why they are that way. It’s boggling.
lisa
April 14, 2015 at 3:59 pmHi Chrys, I know it’s astonishing but the Narc rarely sees that they are without empathy. Ironically, they think they have sacrificed for the victim and can’t understand why the victim would be so ungrateful. It’s a twisted way of thinking that they learn to do to maintain their self esteem and self image. It’s a self defense tactic and something that stems from childhood trauma or a lack of love.
I’m curious though, if there is a genetic transfer at all. Are we born with a higher propensity of narcissism than our sibling for example? Hmmm, I’ll have to do some more research.
Bettina Manibusan
August 6, 2018 at 9:43 pmIm wondering the same….