How many of you are best friends or let me re-word that; how many of you are simply friends with your ex? I know it’s quite a concept—yet, I believe many strive for that. If we can rise above co-parenting conflict and the division of assets there might be a chance. However, from what I’ve seen it’s about a 20% chance of retaining or working toward friendship post divorce and 80% chance there will be zero friendship. In fact, in many cases ill will, bad feelings, bitterness, grudges continue long after the divorce is over.
I have seen friendship in one divorced couple. She bought a house down the street from the marital home to allow for smoother co-parenting and maintain an open door policy for the kids. It took this couple a few years to get to that point of friendship. It didn’t start that way. It started like any other divorce with much hurt and anger. They had a long history together as well. By that I mean they grew up together and shared their youth, childhood and I wonder if this made a difference in their ability to remain or continue friends after the initial adjustment?
As much as it would be great to be like Reba, on the sitcom of the same name—live next door, share the kids and still share some honest conversations with her children’s father—it’s fiction, right?
image source; Pinterest
Can it really be that way in real life? What do you think?
If you were friends before you were married maybe the chances of remaining so are greater. If you were never really friends before or even, during the marriage—can you really expect it after divorce?
Stop over to DivorcedMoms.com to read my take on the subject My Ex Is My Best Friend-Fact Or Fiction? If the image is any indication, you can guess where I stand on this and what my experience has been. Come on back here and leave a comment, I’d love to hear what you think on this hot topic. Go ahead, I’ll be here when you get back…
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Best Divorce TV Shows | Lisa Thomson How To Leave Marriage
June 3, 2015 at 12:48 pm[…] talked about this show before on the blog on the post My Ex Is My Bestie. Reba remains close friends with her Ex. The problem is they live next door to one another and his […]
Corinne Rodrigues
April 1, 2015 at 12:28 amI think it’s possible and I’ve actually seen people carry it off with grace because of the children. Not sure whether they’d make the effort if there were no kids involved though!
lisa
April 12, 2015 at 9:45 amHi Corrine, well that’s a wonderful gesture for the kids! If there aren’t kids, I’ve heard many make a clean break.
Adrienne
March 31, 2015 at 1:05 pmHey Lisa,
My ex and I aren’t friends but of course if I ever do see him, which isn’t very often at all, I’m very civil. Heck, I ooze with niceness… Luckily though we never had children together and boy am I glad of that. That would have been hard because he was such an ass and from what I know about him he still is.
I admire anyone though that can pull that off. That’s really going above and beyond for the kids and I so admire that.
By the way, I use to LOVE watching Reba. What a hoot and probably because it wasn’t real.
~Adrienne
lisa
March 31, 2015 at 5:55 pmMe too, Adrienne. I truly admire couples who can rise to the level of friendship especially for the kids. That said, you put a smile on my face with your description of your ex 🙂 Reba really was a hoot. She has a new show but I haven’t warmed up to it the same way.
Liv
March 30, 2015 at 6:22 pmMy husband and his ex are friends – they email and talk regularly and meet for lunch when they can. I’m a little jealous. Not because I’m worried about her, but because my ex is such an ass…if I only had one tenth of what hubs has with his ex, my life would be so much easier.
lisa
March 31, 2015 at 6:29 amWow, Liv that is impressive. Have they been divorced a lot longer than you and your ex? The passing of time can help a couple move toward friendship (I’ve heard LOL). However with an a**hat for an ex, you’ll want to probably remain civil without the friendliness. 🙂
Liv
March 31, 2015 at 6:52 amThey have been divorced longer, but they parted as friends so it’s always been that way. They even lived together (separate apartments in the same house) for a while after the divorce was final.
As for civil without friendly…I do my best…
Jane Thrive
March 30, 2015 at 12:39 pmHi Lisa,
I think the best case scenario is civility and friendship. But what I think and my reality are definitely at odds! I do my best to remain civil–I think that’s the best that I can muster.
As the years pass, though, i’m hopeful at some point things can become better.
My hubby’s parents are 20+ years post divorce, both remarried, and they get along great–I think it really turned the corner when my hubby’s brother had children. So I know it’s possible. His mom and step-mom get along wonderfully well.
But…i know that’s the exception…I can’t reason with crazy, and when I have moments of thinking that things may be headed for de-escalation, something stupid happens. 🙁
Anyway, long story short–it’s a good goal, but one that I haven’t met yet, and not sure if we will. So I continue to maintain civility, but remain cautious around our privacy and protection, until his actions can show that he’s changed.
lisa
March 31, 2015 at 6:26 amHi Jane, You are wise to remain cautious. I’ve never heard of an abuser changing his (or her) ways. I admire your ability to remain civil. It’s big of you.
“I can’t reason with crazy.”—exactly. You can’t.Please, never go inside his house by yourself or with the kids, even if he is very nice about it. The divorced abuser can plan revenge over many years. So, just when you think it’s safe? It isn’t. Sorry, to be so negative but I’ve heard too many stories. I know you’re wise to this and probably already are very careful.
Thanks for sharing here, Jane. I always enjoy hearing your perspective on issues. Many hugs!
Liv
March 31, 2015 at 6:54 amLisa’s right. I just watched a horrific story about that the other day and it chilled me to the bone. He tried to claim it wasn’t premeditated…but after beating her, he threw her in a trash can with the box that contained her wedding dress on top…they’d been divorced for years and she’d remarried. She was very lucky to have survived.
lisa
March 31, 2015 at 7:40 amI saw that one, too Liv. It’s terrifying. It shows that the old saying “revenge is better served cold” is true. This man kept his rage for years and finally unleashed it when she least expected it. He was an abuser during the marriage. Important note: He got her in his house by telling her the kids wanted her to come in and ‘find them’ and play ‘hide and seek’. She was picking them up for her time with them and normally didn’t go inside his house. The whole thing a ruse to lure her in. PSYCHO.
Mohd Arif
March 29, 2015 at 10:40 pmHi lisa,
interesting article, I am agree with you, all people are not react some..but mostly person react to ex as a friends..
Beast article.. thanks for your great effort..
Regards
Mohd Arif
totally Caroline
March 29, 2015 at 2:28 pmI can’t even look at my ex or hear his voice. Its too painful. I would have liked to have remained friends at one point, but things just got so awful, I had to break every tie I could. I really respect couples who can be friendly.
lisa
March 29, 2015 at 5:38 pmOMG, Caroline, I feel your pain. We ended up in a similar situation. Very bitter indeed. I also hoped for better. Thanks for stopping over!
Donna Merrill
March 26, 2015 at 10:16 amHi Lisa,
My ex and I are friends. It didn’t happen overnight but because we had a child, I needed to keep things civil. And believe me, it was no walk in the park with him.
Then when I married my next husband he has 3 kids. I wanted things to be peaceful with his ex. To make a long story short, hubby’s ex is now my BFF. My ex is sickly and I try to do what I can for him.
As for the kids…they are so happy that when holidays roll around, everyone meets up at my house. We are a blended family and my daughter calls my husband’s ex her second mom.
Yes, we are somewhat like Reba lol. It can work out only if you put your kids first and do the best for them.
-Donna
lisa
March 26, 2015 at 12:03 pmFinally, someone to contradict me and tell a different story 🙂 I love this. Thanks, Donna for sharing your unique experience. Put the kids first, indeed!
Kelly Hashway
March 26, 2015 at 7:56 amI’m assuming it’s rare, but I’m sure it’s very good for any kids involved for their parents to remain friends.
lisa
March 26, 2015 at 8:57 amExactly right, Kelly! It’s rare yet would be so wonderful for the kids. Sigh….too much finger pointing gets in the way, sadly. Nice to see you, Kelly!
Marie
March 26, 2015 at 7:13 amI don’t think we can remain best friends Lisa. Thought, one of my friend got separated a year ago and ex-hubby and her join together for birthdays ans Christmas.
As for me, I know I would never ever be able to be best friend with my ex. We can hardly talk to one another. And when we try for the sake of our child, I am always the worst mother ever.
It depends on people and on the causes of divorce and on how long we grieve and when we are able to forgive, on whether both ex husband and ex wife are ready to let go. Does it happen really one day? .
lisa
March 26, 2015 at 8:56 amYou make some great points, Marie. All of those factors definitely have a bearing on a couple’s ability to remain or build a civil friendship post divorce. It usually doesn’t work. Sometimes after many years go by people are more amenable to the other person and more accepting. Nothing like getting some distance and perspective on the situation to help it. Thanks Marie, for sharing your experience here 🙂
Mi Muba
March 26, 2015 at 1:59 amHi Lisa
I think once divorce is happened so many complains with each other are already removed because that extreme step is taken to solve the problem between the two.
If still grudges and complains persist it means divorce was not the best solution of their problem and both the spouses were mistaken somewhere that could have been addressed with any other solution.
You are right post-divorce friendships are rare between the ex-spouses just because of the bitterness in the previous relationship then how come an other relation can be build on that basis of that.
Thanks a lot for sharing a post on a very touchy topic.
lisa
March 26, 2015 at 8:25 amHi Mi, I guess it’s usually the case where one party wants to end the marriage more than the other therefore, resentment and anger ensues. If all that can be overcome in time, a couple might have a chance at friendship or should I say civility? You’re right, how can two people have a friendship based on bitterness and old complaints? Thanks for you input!
Chrys Fey
March 25, 2015 at 3:38 pmI think it’s great when exes can be friends, especially when kids are involved. It can be tough, but I think it can work out if both sides want the friendship and can set aside the past.
I adored the show “Reba.” I used to watch it all the time! 🙂
lisa
March 26, 2015 at 8:20 amHi Chrys, yes it’s great for the kids if it can be done. You’re right that both people have to want that otherwise it is near impossible. I know, Reba is a really cute show!
Tamara
March 25, 2015 at 9:10 amI came back like Kim to comment!!
Ok, so whatever happened at the end of Reba? I sort of thought he’d get back with Reba? Maybe I need to research this!
I don’t have an ex-husband, but I am friendly enough with my ex-boyfriends. It’s been so long and except for one who moved to New Zealand, I’m FB friends with the other three. We exchange birthday greetings and talk about our kids.
lisa
March 25, 2015 at 9:26 amThat’s really great Tamara, that you can remain friends with your exes. I view divorce as the big break up. You know how we feel during a break up from a b.f. in our young years? Magnify that 1,000X and you have Divorce. Reba and Brock never got back together in the show. He stayed with his new wife although they had problems as well. I can’t remember the last episode or if I even saw it so, I’ll have to watch that one 🙂 One thing that bothered me about the show is Reba didn’t find new love. She hardly went on dates…that wasn’t very inspiring but I still love her character.Thanks for reading the article and coming back to comment, Tamara!
Kimberly
March 25, 2015 at 7:13 amI can’t comment over there … so I’m back here 🙂
I don’t know. I think back to past relationships and I just can’t see that ever happening. I’m watching two friends go through a divorce right now and aside from interacting over childcare issues, they want nothing to do with each other. At a hockey game I sat with my girlfriend and my husband sat with her husband (soon to be ex). Throughout the game, her soon to be ex would send her random texts about how pissed off at her he was because she put on their son’s hockey socks wrong….yeah…so no….
lisa
March 25, 2015 at 8:56 amI know it’s near impossible to comment over at DM unless you’re joined up so, glad you came back. OMG, your story of being at the hockey game is so familiar to me. My ex used to actually sneer at me. It was very uncomfortable. Then he would get his recruits to also sneer at me when they walked past. I have such respect for people who remain neutral (like you and your Hubby) and maintain civility with both parties. So, yes I agree with you Kim, that the friendship thing is far from reality. Sad but true.
Balroop Singh
March 24, 2015 at 6:51 pmHi Lisa,
I agree with Kim. All people react differently but it would be quite hard to interact with the person who has hurt you to the point of leaving him. Children can’t understand those emotions and could remain pleasant with both the parents, which could hurt further especially when they grow up.
Bestie? I doubt it! seriously!
lisa
March 25, 2015 at 8:53 amI agree Balroop. Best friends? Sounds like fiction to me, too. Even the couples I’ve seen who are friends, didn’t start out that way during the divorce. It takes a big heart to maintain respect and boundaries with an ex. 🙂
My Inner Chick
March 24, 2015 at 3:54 pmI believe it’s possible, but rare.
Even the best divorced couples I know have disputes about the kids, parenting, etc…
On the other hand, my friend, Ginger, goes camping with her new hubby, old hubby, and son!!
xxx
lisa
March 25, 2015 at 8:51 amI agree kim, that it’s rare. Very, very rare. I love that Ginger goes camping with new and old hubby and their son 😉