We’ve grown up only to learn Cinderella’s carriage was a pumpkin to begin with. Our foot never fit the glass slipper. Sleeping Beauty ate a bad apple and maybe we took a bite from the same one. We’re not in Kansas anymore! Learning the fairy tale doesn’t always have that happy ending is a hard lesson, even for cynics.
When our fairy tale ends in divorce, it’s hard to face a new year with optimism. As we are mourning we feel overwhelmed contemplating an uncertain future, one that holds many changes ahead. In time, we even question why we can’t get over our loss and be happy like everyone else. Realizing that this is a normal process allows you to accept your loss.
Divorce is often compared to death. Both are permanent and irreversible, yet it’s typical to hear well intentioned friends say “You have to get over it”. They are right, however getting over it may take longer for some people.
On that point, I recently read an article in the Globe and Mail about the world’s attempt to speed up the mourning process in order to reach closure. Are we trying to have our human emotions keep pace with the speed of our technology? See “Looking For Closure in All The Wrong Places” by Katrina Onstad.
It made me question how this phenomenon relates to divorce in our society and the fact that people aren’t comfortable with mourning. 
People want us to be ‘happy’. But it’s normal and healthy to mourn be it through tears, anger or silence. It is a personal process just as individual as you are. Feel the pain instead of numbing it, and I guarantee you will eventually come out the other side. Also, remember the loss is felt for both parties, whether you were the one who decided to leave your marriage, or if you were the one who was left.
Either way, we’ve learned that not only did the happy ending not come true but the middle may not have been happy either. I remember how painful this was for me in admitting that it just didn’t turn out the way I hoped. The beautiful family we appeared to be wasn’t what it seemed. People would ask but why are you sad when you’re the one who wanted it? They didn’t realize that the end of a marriage is a loss to everyone. Yet, starting over and rebuilding a ‘new’ family unit made me see the beginning of something different, rather than the end of a fairy tale.
If we are allowed to mourn or grieve in our own way for as long as we feel, then will we be more likely to reach closure? I’m not sure the goal is necessarily closure. After all, our marriage is part of our past. It is an undeniable part of who and where we are today. We have learned from our marriage for better or for worse, so let’s not pretend it didn’t happen or ‘close it’ from our minds.
Dorothy had to kiss the tin man goodbye
In the interim, focus on getting through today rather than worrying about the future. Make the most of the time you have with your kids. Spend some time doing something you love. Realizing your story isn’t over will give you hope for the future.
The mourning will eventually end and you will be able to move on, without the glass slipper. But I hesitate to suggest it will be a closed file. The memory of your loss and that person will always be a part of you.
How did you mourn your loss? Share your thoughts.
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Danny
January 15, 2014 at 7:58 amMy wife and I recently seperated and will be getting divorced soon. We have been married now for 8 years. I recently moved out of the house. Although i knew for the past three years that more than likely my marriage would whind up in divorce, and hearing my wife say she mourned the loss of our marriage years ago, the pain of the loss of “what I hoped my marriage would be” is a pain and sense of loss I have NEVER felt before. I guess I am mourning that reality right now. I had to come to the realization that although I love my wife, I was never really “In Love” with her which caused detachment, resentment and complacency on my part. I thought I need to be married to give me defintion in the world? I was foolish enough to think that if I was not married, I was nothing. The fact that I have known my wife for the better part of 18 & 1/2 years made it easy for me to want to be married. Afterall, She was my best friend. In reality, we were both settling for less. We would argue, and make up and argue and make up, time and time again. We thought that if we always seemed to patch things up after all that arguing, we were meant to be together? I sincerely doubt that now. The pain I feel right now is the uncertainty of the future. Change is always scary. I keep holding on to the “IDEA” of my marriage. Knowing that is gone, really hurts. The idea or thought of what iI thought my marriage would be was one thing, the reality was something much different. I dont sit and miss my wife, I miss the idea of being married to her. Sometimes the emotions are more than I can bear but I need to feel if I want to heal. My faith in God has allowed me to take the steps needed in order to accomplish this. I pray for anyone else who is experiencing this pain and hope that we all find the peace and hope that God has in store for us….
lisa
January 15, 2014 at 9:25 amWishing you all the best! Life will have some beautiful things in store for you once you heal.
Suzanne
February 3, 2012 at 5:40 pmI’ve been separated for 6 months and I still feel sad. After reading this I realize this is normal. It’s going to take a while. I wonder why we want to believe in the fairytale ending? Maybe it would be easier if we accepted that happily ever after doesn’t always happen. I blame myself still.
lisa
February 3, 2012 at 7:10 pmYou’re in the early, most difficult stages of divorce. Hang in there. Do not blame yourself! It takes two to make it work and it takes two to break it down.