First, I want to wish a Happy New Year to my Escapees! I hope it isn’t too late for that sentiment. What does 2019 have in store for you? Are you being kind to yourself and treating yourself with compassion. Are you turning off your inner critic? I’ve been reading a lot of posts about that very thing lately. And I couldn’t agree more with the importance of being kind not only to others but self.
But that’s not what we’re delving into today. I tricked you there, 😛
What I want to discuss today is the question about getting angry, specifically with our kids. So, obviously, when our children are young and we’re in the midst of ‘raising’ them, we have to use discipline to control the chaos. But what about when they’re adolescents and even adults and they do things that hurt us or otherwise go against what we would consider ‘acceptable’?
The reason I ask is because I had a mom who is going through a divorce contact me with her concerns about Parental Alienation. In our back and forth emails she said something that really struck me as a universal truth. She said that her children respond and do as she asks when she ‘loses it’, and gets angry with them. However, she doesn’t like being angry and yelling at them all the time. I know exactly how she feels and I bet you do, too.
Hey, no one ever described motherhood as fun. Sure there’s trips to the zoo and other seemingly innocuous events, but make no mistake, each and every day is filled with lessons and a dash of strife.
It got me to thinking: It’s true that when we let our kids know that we are unhappy with their behavior, they will rise up to correct said behavior. The question is how mad do we need to get, to attain the corresponding reaction form our kids? Is yelling and screaming okay? Should we have to ‘lose it’ in order for them to understand our expectations?
I say, Yes.
We have to sometimes lose it for them to understand they shouldn’t mess with us. We’re not to be treated like a doormat. Especially for us divorced moms who are dealing with incredibly persuasive and powerful fathers of our kids. We may be the nurturing, caring, affectionate moms but look out. If you cross us—we’re going to let you know it’s not cool.
It’s hard to be the bad guy. It’s not fun to be angry at our kids no matter how old they are. It’s part of the job, though.
Often during divorce, parents tend to get really soft on their kids indulging them in everything they want in order to make up for the upheaval the divorce has caused. We become afraid to discipline our kids because they’re on the brink of choosing ‘the other household’.
Fact is, it’s a mistake to take this path and not express your anger or disappointment with your kids. To let things go and take the path of least resistance can be easier in the moment but it does nothing to improve things down the road. Besides, it isn’t a guarantee they’ll stay with you either.
With that in mind, don’t be afraid to get mad. Let them know what you’re mad about and give your kids a chance to correct their actions. There’s nothing worse than when someone you care about is mad at you, but they won’t tell you why. How can you fix the problem when you don’t know what you did? Same goes for our kids.
So, yeah, be kind but be firm. Be strong.
Maybe that’s our word for 2019—STRENGTH.
What do you think? Is it okay to get mad at your kids?
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Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
February 7, 2019 at 5:30 pmWe all lose our marbles from time to time. While I don’t think screaming is the answer and will often simple walk away until they are more willing to listen or I’ve got my head screwed back on. I used to give myself a time out when they were little. But sometimes they need to listen immediately for their own safety and if I yelled, I would apologize after and emphasize I needed them to listen to avoid being hurt.
lisa
February 9, 2019 at 9:40 amYes, giving yourself a mom-time-out is a good one. Oh, I yelled too, Kim. I wasn’t known for it, but there were moments…
Vishnu
January 27, 2019 at 8:17 pmJust spent a month overseas hanging out with my little nephews. Kids do cause a lot of anxiety, frustration and anger especially when they’re causing havoc. I found them also to be a spiritual practice LOL It’s easier to tolerate, suppress anger when it comes to these two when I know I wont’ be seeing them for awhile. I need a time out – for 3 months LOL
Happy new year – I think we can say this all January, Lisa.
lisa
January 29, 2019 at 4:39 pmGave you a taste of being a parent LOL. Yes, that’s the beauty of “other people’s kids”. You can say goodbye to them 😛 Sounds like you had an eventful time, Vishnu. Indeed, kids are super busy and active.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
January 25, 2019 at 7:30 pmI agree, it’s interesting how kids will do what they are told when Mom finally loses her S#@*. I wish it didn’t work out that way, but it does. I’ve had some heartbreaking trials with all four of my adult children, even to the point where I kicked one out of the house and didn’t speak to a few of the others for several months. But in the end, they were the ones who actually reached out to make amends. I’m happy to say that things are very good between all of us….for now. Here’s to hoping for a smooth ride through 2019!
lisa
January 27, 2019 at 11:43 amOh, Marcia I appreciate your candor on the subject so much. Tough love is one of the hardest things to dish out. But if we don’t sometimes, they don’t learn. The fact that they reached out to you speaks volumes and they realized their mistake. So glad all is going well and smoothly now! Yes, here’s to a smooth ride through 2019 😀
Chrys Fey
January 21, 2019 at 9:52 amWhen I get really upset with my nephews and show it, I immediately feel bad, though. lol I’ve helped to parent them from when they were little and have gotten mad, but I don’t like the feeling of really losing it, which I have done a couple of times, and then I worry that it’ll stick with them…that probably comes from my own childhood…there were many fights, and I would often hide in my room. (That’s probably another issue all-together, though.)
lisa
January 22, 2019 at 6:13 pmYeah, although it’s natural to get upset, we often feel guilty for it. I think especially if you’re helping parent because that’s a little more than just babysitting or spending time together. I think you want it to ‘stick with them’ and that’s how they learn boundaries with their Auntie. It’s not easy though… 😀 Sounds like you’re a wonderful Auntie! I’ve seen the pictures and heard the stories 🙂
It’s hard not to think of your own childhood but I’m sure that isn’t really a reflection of what’s happening now with your nephews.
My Inner Chick
January 21, 2019 at 9:03 amHi, Lisa,
I agree, it’s completely normal and acceptable to get angry w/ your kids…Even our older kids! It’s all in how we express this anger. And it ‘s really cool to say your “Sorry,” sometimes, too!!
Luv U.
lisa
January 21, 2019 at 9:10 amHey Kim, thanks for that reminder about an apology…nothing wrong with that at all. Sometimes communication is lacking (especially with adult children) so misunderstandings can build but an apology can smooth over any of that. Luv U back.
Christine Carter
January 19, 2019 at 7:37 pmWell, seeing as I just JUST came from the basement where I attempted to settle a dispute between my kids (who seem to always battle these days) and I started off really well- I did! Then after they both apologized to each other, I walked away to get something and BAM! Just like that, they were snotty again with each other and well… I LOST IT.
So yeah, anger is a real thing and unfortunately sometimes it takes being angry at your kids to *finally* get their attention and change their behavior. Motherhood- not for the weak, that’s for sure! LOL
And I can only imagine how hard it would be for single parents. They are superheroes to me.
lisa
January 21, 2019 at 9:08 amSigh, I can totally relate to this scenario, Chris. and I believe you that you ‘started off really well’ 😛 YES. But then they test our patience. Anger certainly gets their attention, unfortunately for them. Single parents have it tough because they don’t have the back up. Sounds like you have some great kids on your hands, Chris!
ShootingStarsMag
January 18, 2019 at 8:20 pmI’m not a parent, but I AM an aunt, and I still agree with this. You can’t be afraid to show you’re upset or disappointed with the kids in your life. We all have to see that sometimes in our lives, but hopefully your kids grow up and learn to listen more without you having to lose it all the time. hah
-Lauren
lisa
January 19, 2019 at 2:02 pmYes, exactly, Lauren. The challenge is to not have to do it ALL the time. Of course, it could be a rough patch. I bet you’re a fun Auntie!
LA CONTESSA
January 18, 2019 at 8:22 amABSOLUTELY!
lisa
January 19, 2019 at 2:01 pmGlad you concur, CONTESSA 😀
Jeri
January 17, 2019 at 7:35 pmI fully agree with this post. Anger can be a good thing when it is expressed constitutively. My mom was more of the blow up and yell but never say why. Reasons always give a child something to work with.
lisa
January 19, 2019 at 2:01 pmYes, there’s nothing more confusing as a child to be the target of anger but to not know what you did wrong. Then it becomes a guessing game. Thanks, Jeri 🙂
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
January 17, 2019 at 4:33 pmGreat read, Lisa. My son is fast approaching the teen yeas so I’m curious to see how our relationship changes in the upcoming years. I personally think it’s fine to let him know when I’m angry or upset with him. As you say, how can he possibly have a chance to do something about it and learn from it if I hide what I’m feeling from him? I think communication is vital for that learning and growth process.
lisa
January 19, 2019 at 2:00 pmThanks, Suzanne. I believe if your relationship has a strong base it will remain that way through teen years, for the most part 😛 There will be hiccups. Thanks for the back up on my theory 😀 It’s all about communication.
Marie Kléber
January 16, 2019 at 5:54 amWho has never been angry at his / her kids? I mean this is part of life Lisa and you are so right in the way you do express it. Trying to hide the anger is not good on the long run. We need to be able to express it and let our kids know when too much is too much.
Anger is an emotion and is part of relationships in general.
Thanks for raising the topic.
Take care and have a lovely year Lisa
lisa
January 17, 2019 at 9:58 am*Raises hand*. Exactly true, Marie. It’s all part of it, for sure. Take care, Marie.
Balroop Singh
January 15, 2019 at 7:40 pmLisa, your post reveals some important aspects of parenting and I like the way you have handled them.
Anger is a natural emotion and we may control it under unprovocative circumstances but at times it just explodes before we realise its impact. All healthy relationships need anger too, to convey our sentiments if something upsets us. Hidden anger causes more harm and may lead a person to passive aggression. It is therefore essential to give vent to anger even in case of kids. Teenagers often resent it do get alienated from angry parents but they do awaken to its positive effect with time, as they mature.
lisa
January 17, 2019 at 9:57 amBalroop, you’ve summarized this topic so well. Yes, anger is natural emotion and we learn to control it otherwise we alienate everyone around us. On the same token, it’s important to express it. It’s that balance we’re looking for. I agree also, that teen years are the time when our kids exert their independence. It can be done without maliciousness toward the parents though. If it’s extremely malicious then there is something wrong and the relationship needs work IMHO. thanks for sharing your valuable input here, Balroop.
Jane Thrive
January 15, 2019 at 1:03 pmLisa,
I love this!! And I love that 2019 is about *strength.* I could really use some, lol. And I also agree that sometimes divorce can make us “soft”–especially if being firm feeds into that fear that they will ‘choose’ the other household. I’m still working on that part of my heart that knows I am their mom no matter what, that it’s not a choice to be their mom, and in their minds, it’s not a choice for them to be my daughters. <3 Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you! Yes, it's normal to be mad at our kids when they do things that are hurtful or wrong (esp after we've told them not to do something because it's hurtful and wrong). Like i tell my girls all the time–it's okay to be MAD and have FEELINGS. It's not okay to be MEAN and HURTFUL. And so we go. Also, so true, is to be sure the kids understand "why" you're mad, upset, etc. !!! Love and hugs and happy new year, to you, too!! (p.s. there must be something in the air, today was my first 2019 post as well, LOL!)
lisa
January 16, 2019 at 2:22 pmYes, you’ll always be their mom, no matter what. Insecurities can set in if they’re choosing the other parent and the ‘new’ step-parent more often. SIGH. This: “it’s okay to be MAD and have FEELINGS. It’s not okay to be MEAN and HURTFUL” Exactly, well said, Jane. Love and hugs back to you! xo
Tamara Bowman
January 15, 2019 at 10:11 amI’m with you and it sort of goes with how I feel about my anxiety. I’d rather my kids know that it happens and then I get past it, than try to hide it. Same with any kind of emotions. If I have a fight with Cassidy, I think it’s better for them to see us resolve it than for us to stay mad at each other for ages. Obviously no one wants to lose it all of the time, but sometimes I really believe it helps them with behavior.
lisa
January 16, 2019 at 1:36 pmThat sounds like a very healthy approach, Tamara. Kids are surprisingly aware and pick up non-verbal cues constantly—so it’s pretty hard to hide stuff from them. 😛 Yes, resolving the anger issue without letting a lot of time pass is essential. I’m still trying to get better at that. I have a tendency to bottle up and not want to confront. yes, Balance!
Michelle
January 15, 2019 at 9:43 amI’m experiencing a form of alienation that my adult children seem to be engaged in, basically because I get upset and frustrated with unmet responsibilities and their taking ownership of THEIR garbage. I’ve been the dumping ground and waste deposit station for a long time now, longer than I want to admit because I’m ashamed of the reactions and how they’re quite comfortable in telling me everything I’ve done wrong, when, in reality, I was and AM a bloody great mom and I don’t deserve to be the blame for all that’s taken wrong turns in their lives because if, you guessed it, THEIR choices.
It’s heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, and now it’s leaving me angry. I have never done anything to deserve being discarded 5 minutes after I’ve bent to every whim and need, been treated like garbage, been blamed for everything, been called some of the nastiest things in text ever, and now ignored because I’m standing my ground and standing up for myself, for my rights to not be verbally, financially, and emotionally abused (and ignored/abandoned) by things I gave birth to, nurtured, cared for, cooked for, nursed back to health, paid for every want and need and then some at my own going without.
So yes, get angry with them when they’re young, or don’t…I think it’s a new generation and I think they’ll easily discard you regardless of your parenting as soon as they don’t get what they want, regardless of how you’ve been wrung out from over-giving and blamed and shamed…they have no sense of responsibility, no sense of pride, and no sense of empathy…and it’s left me broken and sad…and ultimately having to say no and close the door to protect myself, my non-existent retirement savings, and my shattered mind and heart.
lisa
January 16, 2019 at 1:31 pmMichelle, I’m so sorry to hear of this. Your heartbreak is palpable. Reading your words sent a shiver up my spine. Have you sought therapy or counselling either on your own or with your children? It sounds as though your kids have/are taking advantage of your good nature. Sometimes, when we’re the softer parent, we take the brunt of the shit. That’s why, yes, it’s important to get mad and explain why we are mad. What exactly did they do to get us angry? They need to know whether they want to listen or not. All you can do is your best as a mom and if that isn’t good enough, then you do need to protect yourself from hurtful behaviors.
Something I read years ago, when my kids were teens and going through a stage of similar type behavior toward me—was to point out to them that no one is perfect and they aren’t perfect either!! They used to find all kinds of things to criticize me for. And point their fingers at me with accusations (sometimes parroting) but then I sat them down and asked them how they did on their last math test. One of them hung their head in shame becasue they hadn’t done so well. I said, hey, don’t beat yourself up. You’re allowed to fail sometimes and we all make mistakes. You’ll try harder or study more for the next one, right? they agreed they would. I said “you know, when you constantly remind or accuse me of doing wrong things, I feel like I failed a test too. I need you to be more accepting that I’m not perfect and I’m trying my best not to screw up. And I will continue to do the same for you.” Taking this different perspective seemed to really hit home. It was put into words and examples they could relate to, I guess. It still took a great deal of time to bridge our differences and overcome the circumstances.
Is there a scenario you could use to make that similar point to your adult children? Again, I think a cousellor might aid you and your kids in communication. Sending you a much needed mom hug!!