I was inspired by Marc Chernoff’s recent post at Marc & Angel hack Life. Marc lists ten hard things you shouldn’t be afraid of doing for yourself. What I took away from this list is that fear of change is the underlying culprit of happiness or the cause of —death while living.
In his post, every single thing Marc listed resonated with me. Usually when I read a ten reasons or tips post, I can take away half of them and leave the rest. Not this time.
For example, this statement immediately hit home;
“Flawed and vulnerable people are powerful and strong. Liars and phonies are not.”
~Marc Chernoff
In other words, doing those hard things in life create strength in us. Making that decision to end my marriage for example, although viewed as ‘wrong’ by many, took courage for me to accept that it was ‘right’ for me. Did it make me vulnerable? Absolutely.
Telling the truth, facing uncomfortable facts and making necessary changes are all difficult things that make us both powerful and vulnerable. On the other hand, if we lie about our happiness or dissatisfaction we begin ‘dying while living’.
Many long term marriages are happy and consist of mutually supportive and loving relationships. But there are some long term marriages that last based on perseverance and survival. They go on because the people in it are in fear of change. They may be in fear of facing the truth because it hurts more than the bad marriage itself.
Fear is precipitated by the unknown. Making changes in our life cause this fear to creep in when we over think and obsess about the future. Instead of obsessing we can use that energy to take the first step to change our situation.
What do I mean? If you’re faced with a big decision you could either ignore it and maintain the status quo, or you can begin planning to make a change. For example, if you hate your job but have had to stay for various reasons, ask yourself, has the time come to consider something new?
Or, if you’re in a longterm but unhappy union, ask yourself, is it time to end this? In either case, eventually you have to overcome the fear of the unknown and take action. Maybe it’s one small step toward a brighter future. It’s better than doing nothing at all.
…than seeing a woman who has been in a long term, abusive or neglectful marriage. When I say abusive I’m not necessarily talking about physical. The emotional control, possessiveness and verbal put downs can also take a toll over time. As they age, these women cease to think independently from these dominant, controlling and verbally abusive husbands.
At one time, they wanted to leave but ended up staying because they didn’t know what their future would look like. Maybe they were told they would starve on the street if they left. The point is, at one time these women (and some men) were passionate enough to want something more. But that time has come and gone and they see it as “too late” to leave.
People in these situations are examples of death while living. They’re afraid to do the hard things to create a happier life in the long run. They’ve given up. They believe that’s all they deserve.
Every human deserves to be treated with respect, love and compassion. It’s the very least of what we should be able to expect from someone we trusted with our lives; our spouse.
It’s never too late to make a change. Whether it’s a new job, ending a lonely marriage, chasing a longed for dream that we’ve given up…doesn’t matter. The point is, life is short. It’s too short for bad marriages, shitty jobs, and boring routines (yes, boring routines are just part of life but they don’t have to define it). It’s certainly too short to live it for others.
Indeed, fear of change is equal to death while living.
Share your thoughts. Have you ever had to make a tough decision? And do pop over to read Don’t Be Afraid to Do These 10 Hard Things For Yourself. at Marc&Angel Life hack.
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Book Review: Untamed by Glennon Doyle - Lisa Thomson~Author
July 9, 2020 at 8:58 am[…] through prior to and after ending my marriage. I think if you’re considering making a big change in your life, this book will provide a starting off point for you. But you don’t need a […]
Amy J Ellison
April 26, 2019 at 2:42 amI am one of those women paralyzed by fear of Change and the unknown. I don’t have the confidence that I could make it on my own. Plus, I am 50. What would be the point? Then I would be alone. Would that be better? I certainly have no interest in starting over with someone new. I don’t have the energy. It’s a lot of work. Leaving is a lot of work. I’m just not equipped to do it.
Marie Kléber
February 13, 2019 at 2:25 amI know many women – some men – in these situations Lisa and it does break my heart.
I know that the best decision I took is leave my mariage. It was tough at times but I knew I was not living anymore. I was dying. I was becoming a ghost in my own body.
So yes change is key. We can’t stay in places (may it be friendship, love, work…) where we are suffering. At some stage we ought to jump in the unknown. We ought to let fear aside, and trust life.
Thank you for this inspiring post dear.
lisa
February 14, 2019 at 9:07 am“…becoming a ghost in my own body.” So profound, Marie.
Having the courage to make that change is huge. One reaches a point where the risk of things going wrong is better than remaining. Trust life, indeed. Thanks, Marie for sharing. Love hearing from you on these topics!
jane thrive
February 12, 2019 at 5:34 pmThis is so true, Lisa! Thank you so much for posting and sharing. <3 <3 <3 Fear can paralyze. I was so afraid to make changes. And I know my life is better even though I'm still healing and struggle with PTSD. Life is complicated, but I'm so glad to have gotten out of such an unhealthy world. I was just randomly thinking the other day how I had lost so much blood in the 24 hours after DD2 was born, they had to go back in and remove bits of the placenta, and they were on the verge of a transfusion, apparently my red blood cell count was just on the cusp. They decided not to, but cautioned it would take up to 6 weeks to feel normal energy levels as it takes a while to recoup so much blood loss. The ex was so rude and impatient and just a general jerk in that first month after DD2 was born, acting like it was a huge deal if he had to go downstairs to get a glass of water or bring up food when baby and I were pretty much ensconced in the bedroom above the kitchen. or when he had to drive me around he'd park far away from the store's entrance so as to protect the car from neighboring cars and potential scratches (vs finding a closer space so i wouldn't have to walk so far). it's funny how even now, little details of his selfishness and cruelty surface. I could have chosen to stay in that life, thank goodness I didn't. xoxo love and hugs to you lisa!
lisa
February 14, 2019 at 9:03 amYou were courageous! It’s hard to picture a new life especially when you’re constantly being told you’re worthless…fill in the blank _________.
Reading this makes my blood boil. You deserve love and respect and care every single day let alone days after you’ve had your baby. He really not only dropped the ball but added insult to injury. I’m so sorry, Jane. What a terrible memory to have yet I suppose it’s a reminder of why you left (among many others!).
Your story relates to something I wrote in the Wine Diaries and I’ll quote: “Never underestimate the comfort of your wife or husband. Given a small choice to provide that comfort or to extend their discomfort, always choose the former. What is to be gained, by making your spouse suffer? I’m certain I’m not the first person to understand that a call for a taxi has saved many a marriage.”
You could substitute various things for calling a taxi but I’m sure you get my drift.
I’m delighted to know you are with someone who cares for your comfort and puts you above everything else. You deserve that!! Hugs and love to you, Jane.
Jeri
February 11, 2019 at 8:04 pmThe past four years have brought a lot of forced change into my life. I would never have changed as much about myself had I not received some very big nudges from the universe. Change is indeed scary, but it doesn’t have to be. In a book I’ve been working on with a divorce therapist, she points out how nearly every couple who comes and sits down in her office proceeds to say if only the other person would change, then life would be so much better. If only… the only person we can change is ourselves, and it’s an ongoing process.
lisa
February 11, 2019 at 8:40 pmYES, absolutely true, Jeri. We can only change ourselves. We can’t expect someone else to change for us. You’ve been through a lot of changes and you wear it well!
RSoft
February 10, 2019 at 10:44 pmThank you for sharing this useful article with us. I generally avoid reading such articles but this one is too fantastic that I read whole article .I love to read your post. I appreciate you to continue your hard work. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
ShootingStarsMag
February 10, 2019 at 1:25 pm“Fear of change is death while living.” That’s so very true. You get stuck in a situation and you can’t move on or truly live because you’re afraid of what happens next. I can’t even imagine being in any sort of abusive relationship, because I’m sure it would be really hard to leave.
-Lauren
lisa
February 11, 2019 at 5:19 pmyes, me too, Lauren. I think fear of change can be a hurdle to overcome when we obsess about the future.
Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
February 7, 2019 at 8:49 amI have recently witnessed someone in an abusive relationship and struggled to understand how and why she slowly let it happen. Even when I and others cried out. Instead she shut us all out and slid deeper until she ended up broken. It has been hard watching her come out of the fog. Thankfully she is now getting help.
lisa
February 9, 2019 at 4:47 pmThat is so sad, Kim. I’m happy to hear she is getting help. Maybe all of your pleas made a difference. Thanks for sharing, Kim!
Kavleen Kaur
February 7, 2019 at 12:20 amThanks for sharing this amazing post.
Chrys Fey
February 6, 2019 at 8:35 am“Flawed and vulnerable people are powerful and strong.” Oh, yes. This struck me, too. I love it. Makes me feel better. 🙂
Such a thought-provoking post. Change can be difficult to accept. Or the outcome of that change impossible to foresee. But change is often what’s needed.
Christine Carter
February 4, 2019 at 12:21 pmI’m anxious to read that post, Lisa. It sounds like a wealth of wisdom on this topic! And oh yes, it is surely resonating with me as well!
So many lives have been stuck because of fear, but I those whose lives are stuck in abusive marriages are the ones that really hit my heart hard.
Having anxiety, I find myself facing fears ALL the time- and I often don’t walk through them to the other side. I have surely limited my life on many levels, but thankfully, I’ve been brave in many ways too! Any change at all causes me to panic- my gosh, even having this new washer we just got stressed me out because I have to learn how to use it! Pathetic. I know!
I think sometimes the older I get (we get?) the easier it is to say “Nah, I’m good right here.” I need the push sometimes to stretch out of my comfort zone and experience new things that I KNOW will be good for me!
lisa
February 4, 2019 at 5:54 pmYes, same here, Chris.
I would never have guessed you have anxiety issues. You come across as confident and strong as a mom and writer. So, you’re doing something without fear—writing. I’m right there with ya on learning new machines and technology, I get overwhelmed a lot easier than I used to. Of course, it’s good for the brain to learn new things…sigh.
This: “I think sometimes the older I get (we get?) the easier it is to say “Nah, I’m good right here.” so true!!
Thanks for stopping over Chris and I hope you love that article at Chris & Angel.
Balroop Singh
February 2, 2019 at 9:16 amFears are the real monsters Lisa, you deal with one and another creeps out to scare. I know a few people who can’t get out of their pathetic situation, who fear change, who keep lying to themselves that they are “happy”…they have to go on.
Change is always challenging. I can tell you from experience, as I changed three jobs and eventually resigned from the last one. The biggest and the most difficult decision of moving to another country, leaving behind my loving home, which I had built bit by bit and all those friends of life time…I think I know what change is!
Thank you for the reminders. Love and hugs dear friend.
lisa
February 2, 2019 at 6:29 pmYes, indeed. Well, you are an inspiration, Balroop. You could write a seminar on the topic. You’ve made lots of changes for the better! Thanks for sharing <3
Tamara
February 1, 2019 at 6:05 amYes, those things make me incredibly sad too. I know women like that.. probably more than I care to admit.
I can’t believe people thought it was the wrong thing of you to end your marriage. Those are things usually not to question! You obviously had your reasons and it was the braver thing to do.
lisa
February 2, 2019 at 6:28 pmRight? Me, too. I guess it shook up the status quo in some ways and some ppl questioned me…:P It’s such a personal decision and shouldn’t really be open to opinion from outsiders. Thanks, Tamara! <3