image source; littlebowsweetsblogspot.ca
There was nothing more painful than the kid’s birthdays during divorce. Will they be with mom or dad and what do they want to do? If you’re in the wrong week according to the custody schedule, you may not get to see them on their special day. It can feel ‘all wrong’ especially when you were the stay at home mom who planned all the previous parties.
Sure, you might have complained about the chore it could be (the mess, the noise, the goody bags, the one bratty guest, the clean up) but still, you couldn’t imagine anyone else doing it for you.
My daughter’s 4th Birthday. Happiness!
IF Dad was away, the party was yours to plan and manage from the invites to the cake to keeping the kids under control. I remember many birthday parties when I relied on a girlfriend or another mom to assist me with the goings on, whether it was taking pictures, cutting the cake or organizing the guests. Let’s face it, a kid’s birthday party can get out of hand pretty quickly…
That all changed though when we separated. Suddenly, dad was the party planner. Seriously. He also bought school supplies that first year. Where were these hidden talents during our marriage? Oh, right they were hidden.
While I should have enjoyed the break from it, I couldn’t help but feel out of sorts. The kids were celebrating their birthdays without me. It was as if I had lost a limb. I remember one year on my son’s birthday picking him up and bringing him to my house for his birthday lunch and cake. He was staying with his Dad that week and without that lunch together I wouldn’t have seen him at all that day.
I think birthdays are special for us moms probably because we give birth and we have that intense memory of the labor and delivery. In fact, I could tell you the whole day’s events when I went into labor. It’s all part of the birth story.
Then starting at baby’s 1st birthday, we are typically the party planners. During divorce all of that changes and it feels like it’s been stolen and not willingly given over to the other parent. It becomes a hot button issue in the parenting schedule, too. “They were with you last year on their birthday, so this year it’s my turn.” Unfortunately, these are the kinds of conversations divorced parents have.
Some divorced parents are able to both attend the birthday party. How civilized is that? Very. That wasn’t the case for us though. Inevitably one parent gets left out.
All you can do is plan ahead and make the most of whatever time you do have with your child the day of their birthday. Knowing in advance if you’re the party hostess or if they will be at the other parent’s will help you plan and not be as disappointed.
Don’t forget to talk to your child and ask them what they want to do because in spite of this emotional issue, it’s ultimately all about them.
Just know that there will be many more celebrations to come and you will continue to be a part of those. In the meantime, cherish the moments you have with your kids whether it’s their birthday or any other day.
#Divorce and birthdays, an emotional mix. The silver lining? Our divorce experience makes us appreciate these occasions even more. Share on XComments are closed.
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Robin O. Cochran
December 12, 2015 at 10:41 pmFor all the years of my divorced life, my exes did much better without me. They managed to have someone female “help” them. My daughter was left behind with a sitter while Dad took son to baseball and football games. I like my first husband’s present wife. she has been a great “Mimi” at grandchildren’s b’day parties. We even send occasional text or picture messages. My first ex and I got divorced when kids were 4 and 2 so they have always felt blessed to have extra gifts and people to pay attention to them. I held the graduation parties, rented tents, etc. They brought food and gave gifts. My last child #3 was a case of ex being unfaithful, so I told the judge that I wanted her to not go back and forth. He agreed to no visitation for no child support. I still stick to the fact she is the best and most well adjusted one. That husband got remarried and had 2 other kids. Never looked back till she was 21. College educated all exes (2 have PhD’s) yet not really able to parent alone. Exes have to come here to their houses to visit. We are all guests in their homes. We joke and laugh about the little ones and are better grandparents, more relaxed. ** I never fought or bad-mouthed my exes and just listened if the kids said questionable actions. This really is a good way to create open communication and dialog, too. 🙂
lisa
December 13, 2015 at 12:15 pmHi Robin, welcome to the blog. It sounds like you guys really had it down. It’s so great when couples can continue the celebration of their children together rather than apart. However, that said, most can’t. There’s usually a period of estrangement and then some couples are able to coordinate efforts once some healing has taken place. It’s great you can all enjoy your grandchildren. Thanks for sharing your story here!
Lisa
September 19, 2015 at 1:18 pmThis is exactly how I feel right now. My son’s 5th birthday party is tomorrow. It’s a joint party but I wish I had asked him if he wanted separate parties. I guess we can do that next year. My 8 yo’ daughter’s birthday is in Nov. we will do a joint one so its fair with both kids.
lisa
September 19, 2015 at 5:41 pmWell, I’m very impressed with divorced(ing) couples who can do the joint parties, Lisa. Eventually or maybe for next year, ask the kids if that’s what they want (they probably will 🙂 ) then go from there. It’s a hard transition for sure and if the kids enjoy having a joint party and you and your ex are agreeable then perfect. Thanks for stopping over here at my little blog.
Lisa
September 23, 2015 at 11:04 amWell I was very uncomfortable with my soon to be ex. at my son’s party. I will do joint again for my daughters but next year we are not doing joint birthdays. We just had our mediation yesterday and was in agreement. But just now I asked for clarification of birthdays because it wasn’t listed. When I have a party for the kids, he is not to be there unless I invite him.
lisa
September 23, 2015 at 11:46 amHi Lisa, I’m not surprised you were uncomfortable. It sounds like you’re in the early separation stage and you had mediation the day before. That adds a great deal of tension, no doubt. There’s really nothing wrong with each parent doing their own party. I hope you feel more comfortable at your daughter’s birthday. I also hope your mediation gets finalized successfully. Wishing all the best. Stop on by anytime.
Diana
September 5, 2015 at 8:49 pmWhat about new partners? My boyfriend and I were dating for 7 months. He has a 10 years old boy who is going 11 in a few weeks and I’m not invited to his birthday party because my boyfriend says it’s too soon and that at this stage there are some private dad-mom-son moments, and her son may feel uncomfortable with my and her mom in the same place.
lisa
September 6, 2015 at 9:33 amHi Diana, off the top, I understand your boyfriend’s thinking on this. 7 months is a fairly new relationship and I’m wondering how long your boyfriend and his ex have been divorced. Especially if it is still early in the divorce/separation, then best to opt out of the party and give his son time to get comfortable with you and how you will fit in the mix (with his mom for example). Don’t be offended by this. You could give his son a card/small gift/cake the next time you’re with him.
Diana
September 6, 2015 at 10:21 amThank you Lisa! His divorce was 6 years ago. I think he’s ashamed or guilty to show with me to his ex. And that he is overprotecting his child. Come on, the child will have to face sooner or later that his dad has a new relationship. I’ve been with the kid 7 or 8 times over this months and he’s nice to me. My boyfriend says that he loves me, and understand me, but says that there is nothing he can do if I don’t respect his choices about his son, and invited me to the kid’s birthday party that he will organize with his family. But I still feel excluded.
lisa
September 6, 2015 at 10:39 am6 years ago is quite a while. Still, he’s thinking of his son not his ex in the scenario. I’m wondering why you think he’s guilty or ashamed of you? Did something else happen or are other things going on that make you feel that way? Because this party is about his son—not his ex, not him and not you. Think of it that way. He’s invited you to the family party and including you in what I think is a better party.
Also, it may be that the party at his ex’s is one tradition they’ve done over the years to make the divorce easier for their son and he might be worried about changing that right now. Keep things in perspective, Diana and don’t take this personally. If your boyfriend is a protective father…guess what? He’ll be a protective boyfriend, too. I hope my words help you take a different look at the situation. It’s all good!!
Jane Thrive
December 1, 2014 at 11:40 amLisa,
I can so relate to this! <3 I just plan our own birthday party afterwards. DD1 and DD2 both spent their last birthdays with dad because of the custody schedule, and I think part of it is that whole Labor and Delivery memory coupled with being the party planner in my previous life. And yes, it is bittersweet, but I just keep on swimming, swimming, swimming (think Dori from Finding Nemo, lol) and while I hurt a little to be away from them, I hearten that we get to have our own celebration together, too. <3
lisa
December 1, 2014 at 12:13 pmGo, Dori! It feels like swimming upstream some days. I’m glad you’re having your own celebration, too Jane. That helps feel that you’re a part of their special day. Thanks for sharing.
Tamara
November 28, 2014 at 6:32 amIt would seem rather complex. And hard.
My husband’s parents divorced when he was a toddler. Now, 40 years later, we all had Thanksgiving dinner together! I’m not going to believe it was always that easy, though.
lisa
November 28, 2014 at 8:23 amComplex, for sure. 40 years, hey? There’s hope for the rest of us then 😛 I’m glad you guys had a nice Thanksgiving. Thanks for sharing here Tamara 🙂
Jess @UsedYorkCity
November 27, 2014 at 9:50 amA child of divorce myself, the only birthday both my parents attended together was my sweet 16…they were obviously very civil, but on opposite sides of the room the entire time;-) I think I could enjoy the birthday experience more (at least as I got older) when I celebrated separately with my parents, that way I avoided the obvious tension, still lingering 30 years later.
lisa
November 27, 2014 at 1:23 pmHi Jess, it’s so great to hear from a child of divorce. You all have so much to teach us. It’s true that a separate celebration with each parent works well especially as adults or young adults. Thanks for sharing your POV.
My Inner Chick
November 26, 2014 at 4:50 pmHello, Lisa,
I’m watching and experiencing all of this w/ my co-worker.
It is SOoooo HARD. I never realized this. In the beginning, she cried A LOT.
Love your photos!
happy Thanksgiving, sweets. xxx
lisa
November 26, 2014 at 5:53 pmAw, it sure hurts. The change that is divorce is painful in the beginning until everyone adjusts. Hope she’s doing okay. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Kim! xoxoxo
Gina Stoneheart
November 26, 2014 at 1:50 pmLisa, your daughter is gorgeous! What a lovely picture and memory, I’m sure.
Divorce and birthdays can be very sad. Although I have yet to be married, I can still relate because my mother has been divorced twice. We hardly saw my father when we were little once they divorced for birthdays so instead, we spend them with my stepfather and mother. I remember my mom would go all out for our birthdays and still does, to this day.
We usually saw my father the day before or the day after. He usually got the short end of the stick because they divorced on tumultuous circumstances.
I admire people who can civility share birthdays together.
lisa
November 26, 2014 at 4:00 pmThank you, Gina! I remember her birthday from this picture. It was always ice cream cake because she didn’t like ‘cake’ cake as she used to call it. LOL. It was a messy one! It really would go a long way to civility if the parents can share these occasions. It wasn’t ever an option for me. I was shut out right from the beginning and as the divorce wore on I gave up hope of any civility. That said, I don’t think my situation is (was) unusual. Thanks for stopping over 🙂
Harleena Singh
November 26, 2014 at 12:34 amHi Lisa,
You are so right in all that you wrote, and I wish it wasn’t the case and that both parents could be there for their kids birthdays at least. 🙂
It can become very tough on the child as they are still young and wouldn’t know how to handle their feelings, and the sadness within can be bad for them too. Perhaps both parents can put down their egos and just ahead to be one, during the birthdays.
I guess once the kids grow up, they can make their own decisions and be or do what they wish to, but till that time, parents have to do things for them and celebrate for them.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
lisa
November 26, 2014 at 3:56 pmOh, yes you’re right Harleena. If only…we could do as you suggest. It was so frustrating for me because things didn’t unfold the way I thought they would as far as communicating with my ex. My kids were pre to early teens at the time so they would tell me what they wanted for the most part. Thanks, Harleena for sharing here 🙂
Vanessa D.
November 25, 2014 at 5:56 pmIf I remember right, when mine were younger we always scheduled birthday celebrations for a weekend. He got one of them, I got the other. Somehow it worked out. But I get the whole “hidden” talents part, because up until the divorce I did all the parenting, while he would encourage them to do things that were wrong, unsafe or otherwise obnoxious. Fun times.
lisa
November 25, 2014 at 8:14 pmFun times, indeed 😉 They change when divorce happens. They get more involved and that can be a good thing. Sounds like you had the birthdays worked out for the most part. Thanks, Vanessa for sharing!
Liv
November 25, 2014 at 4:42 pmWe split the kids birthday. Or we’re supposed to. Ex has never exercised his rights for our daughter, but always does for our son. And I still get to do birthday parties. Because he’s still to lazy to plan them. I’d love one of those relationships where we both attend. But if we had one of those, i portably would still be married.
lisa
November 25, 2014 at 5:26 pmGeez, talk about favortism. Does he think your daughter won’t notice that he doesn’t even try? I think it takes a long time t get to that ‘friends’ place, if ever. Some personalities just don’t allow for it. Thanks for sharing from the trenches, Liv!
Mike
November 25, 2014 at 11:49 amOh gosh birthdays and holidays can be so hard on everyone involved – the child, mom and dad. It makes so much sense for a birthday being especially important to the mother for exactly the reason you shared – it’s the birth-day. I have so many divorced friends with children around me and it’s always my hope that they can somehow share the day. My parents made plenty of mistakes but I do have to say I remember seeing them both on those days. Good post, Lisa, and sending all of you blessings 🙂
lisa
November 25, 2014 at 2:02 pmThanks, Mike. It sounds like your parents were civilized for the holidays and your birthday. I wish I could say the same. We used to alternate Christmas Day and whoever missed out on Christmas Day got Christmas Eve. That was pretty good although the kids got tired of schlepping from house to house.Thanks for sharing with us.
Michelle
November 25, 2014 at 10:40 amI’ve left it up to my kids whether they want to just have one or both of us for celebrations. They’re 15 and 18, and they’re pretty in-tuned with themselves. For Thanksgiving it would’ve been too weird if it was just the 4 of us. But for Christmas I’ve asked if they’d be okay with their dad joining my family for Christmas dinner. They and my family all said sure, so guess who’s coming for dinner? Yes, there’s a bonus to it…it’s his week that the kids would’ve been staying with him, so this way they don’t have to feel guilty about spending a celebration with my family if dad was left home alone (his parents go to Florida come hell or high water, so their staying home for his first Christmas alone wasn’t an option…hmmm, wonder where he learned his awesome and loving supportive skills from…). 🙂
lisa
November 25, 2014 at 1:58 pmThat’s great Michelle! Good for you guys. As you say, it always comes down to what the birthday boy/girl really wants. Thanks for sharing here 🙂
Balroop Singh
November 25, 2014 at 9:59 amHi Lisa,
I feel birthdays are special occasions and even if the parents are divorced, they ought to arrange it in such a manner that both of them can be a part of it. After all they can visit each other for few hours for the happiness of their children.
Ask a child, he/she wants both of them. If they feel the friction, if they feel insecure, they may cling to one parent but nobody can deny the fact that they love both of them, they want both of them at such times. I hope all those who have little children and are divorced keep their egos and differences away for just few hours and celebrate the birthdays together.
I can understand the pain of mothers who articulate it so well but fathers too have a heart which beats for their kids…but they are groomed not to share those hurts. So we feel they don’t care…dig deeper to know the truth!
lisa
November 25, 2014 at 10:05 amI agree Balroop and had wished that we could have been that way. You make a good point in saying that fathers are groomed to keep those feelings inside. I guess if divorced parents can’t both be at the same event they can at least alternate years or maybe have two parties. Children of divorce often get two of everything 🙂
Chrys Fey
November 25, 2014 at 9:16 amMy first birthday after my parent’s divorced was actually very nice and civil. Both of my parents got together (my dad was living in an apartment) and put together a wonderful pre-birthday celebration. I had a pre-birthday because on my actual birthday I wasn’t allowed to eat food. Why? I had spine surgery the next day. lol But that birthday still remains my favorite. My dad moved across the United States a month after my surgery, though, so I haven’t had a birthday celebration with him since.
lisa
November 25, 2014 at 10:04 amThat’s a good memory Chrys. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to celebrate with your Dad since then. You were brave to undergo spine surgery!