Dear Lisa, Reader Question

, on

May 27, 2015

Time once again, for sharing reader inquiries.

Q: any advise u can spare-My SIL needs child/spousal support

Message: Hi Lisa, I found your story by googling advice for my Canadian sister in law who is at the beginning of her divorce process & she is completely dependent on her husband for financial support for herself & their 2 girls. He is refusing to pay her anything & is already using the saying u will pay etc etc. I am in _______ so very hard for my husband & I to help her from here. Is there any advise or anyone or anything you can think of that she can contact to give her help & advise? Obviously there is a whole lot more of nastiness to this story so any help would be much appreciated. Thank you for your time.

A: Dear Concerned Family Member,

The best advice I can give you to pass on to your sister in law, is for her to get a lawyer. She should seek legal advice right away. I have legal tips and I devote part of my book to discussing how to hire a good/suitable lawyer.

Thanks for reaching out and I wish her all the best.

Sincerely,

Lisa Thomson

Second Q:

Lisa, so sorry I didn’t mention that she has one already but as you can imagine

The expense of asking a million questions is overwhelming & can feel like you’re on your own … we ask my sister in law to always contact her lawyer but she says she feels like she is bugging her a lot. My husband & I feel that she has so much on her plate that … she is overwhelmed with the main priority of keeping her children safe & she was not expecting this to turn out this way. Like I said before there is so much more to her situation, one example her husband is an alcoholic. I was just wondering if there is any help available for her with this that the advise is free & supportive for women like her. She is freaking out that their house just sold & she has to find somewhere to live with the girls & she doesn’t have any money. I want to thank you so much for responding straight away it means so much to my husband & I as we are at a loss to help her from the other side of the world, but we will keep trying to do what we can from here. So much appreciated for any other advise you can give. Thank you Lisa. We feel someone cares. Xxoo

Dear Concerned Family Member,

I’m not sure in her exact community but often there are divorce support groups. That might be a place for her to start for moral support. She should prioritize her issues as follows;

Number 1, she needs to start looking for a place to live. Renting would make the most sense for her at this point. Number 2, Does she have access to the marital, joint account? If so, she should make a withdrawal (of half the amount that is in the account) and open her own account. Number 3, she needs to get her lawyer to set up child and spousal support immediately so she will have financial income to live on and for her girls! She’ll need to provide information to the lawyer regarding her husband’s income. Number 4, she’ll need her own credit card if she doesn’t have that already.

Those are 4 things she needs to do, sooner rather than later.

Is she your husband’s sister? Does she have other family where she lives? If not, then I advise your husband to make a trip out to help her.

All the best. It will be ok in time.

Sincerely,

Lisa Thomson

I didn’t hear back from her again but I hope my response gave her some direction. The start of the process is overwhelming. The emotions, the logistical changes the lack of income are all stress triggers.

One day at a time, keeping focus on an action plan and taking care of those details will resolve the initial chaos. Also, you’ll notice I advise her family to make a trip out to be with her. It’s a crucial time and the description of her ex sounds volatile. Family support is critical. I really hope the woman’s husband booked a flight and went to help his sister.

Lastly, my article, Deadbeat 911 provides a step by step guide to getting child/spousal support or alimony court order without a lawyer. Although, no one wants to go to court without one, there are simply too many situations where a woman has no funds for legal support. [ctt title=”Sometimes you just have to kick some ass” tweet=”Sometimes, you just have to kick some ass @lisalisathom” coverup=”8eV36″]:

Art by Erin Smith

Your Turn; What would you advise? What would you do if your Sister was in the same situation and you lived on another Continent?

child support/Dear Lisa/divorce/transition

36 Comments

AK KD
June 4, 2015 at 7:40 am
Lisa, Your advice was excellent. The mother in this case should also ask for interim legal fees in temporary orders and final orders! Figure out how much child support will be and THEN ask for the ex to be required to pay for child care expenses on top of that. Where I live, child support and child care expenses are different. Figure child care expenses based on both girls in full time daycare, including enrollment and supplies fees. Even if the girls are not enrolled full time right now, they probably will be once the mother is employed.
Also, request mediation instead of a trial. Mediation can save a ton of money in legal fees.
Yes, get new bank accounts. If she can’t close joint accounts, be sure to have a court order that specifically says that the ex needs to remove her name from those accounts immediately. I learned that the hard way after my ex overdrew a joint account after being awarded it in temporary and final orders.

My advice is to ask for everything… Set the bargaining bar high from the beginning. You are yours and your children’s only advocate. Don’t settle for less than what is absolutely needed. Be willing to compromise, but also demand things that really matter. That is not being selfish, it’s doing what is best for yourself and children.

I just found this website/blog and wish I’d found it sooner. My ex filed for divorce 8 yrs ago. It’s been legal hell ever since. He refuses to follow court orders and purposely makes things more difficult (and expensive!!). Fortunately, I’m now married to a wonderful man. Unfortunately, the legal hell from my ex continues.
I’m looking forward to reading and contributing more to this site. Have a lovely afternoon!
- lisa
  June 4, 2015 at 9:42 am
  Hi Alicia, welcome to The Great Escape Blog and thank you for your excellent tips! I didn’t realize a person could ask for interim legal fees to be paid. That’s good to know! Here in Canada, you can claim the costs for attaining child/spousal support on your income tax return. The gov’t will reimburse a % but you need the lawyer to write a letter to include with your return. Your advice: “You are yours and your children’s only advocate. Don’t settle for less than what is absolutely needed. Be willing to compromise, but also demand things that really matter. That is not being selfish, it’s doing what is best for yourself and children.” is sooooo true!! So, you’re divorced 8 years and there’s still legal stuff going on? Yikes, sounds very familiar to me. It will end one day. It’s hard to imagine after all you’ve been through, but it will.
  - AK KD
    June 4, 2015 at 10:31 am
    Thank you! Interim attorney’s fees are not always awarded, but it never hurts to ask, especially if there’s a stay-at-home parent involved!
    I was married to & divorced a sociopath. Sociopaths are different animals. Once I found out it had a label, a lot of my questions have been answered and things finally seem to fit into a box. It’s like getting a diagnosis to lots of symptoms.
    This is an excellent blog if you’re not familiar with sociopaths.
    http://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/sociopaths-appear-very-normal/top-18-signs-dating-sociopath/
    
    I’ve done two enforcements and a modification since the divorce was finalized. Because of his actions, we had full visitation, no visitation, and now supervised visitation. In the 2nd enforcement, only 20k of my 80k in legal fees was agreed to be reimbursed. So, I wound up spending 60k to get back 60k in child support arrears and uninsured medical expenses that were owed to me. And he’s still not complying! Insane! Sadly, it’s my daughters who always lose out. All of that would’ve been a great college fund!
    
    Some days, the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that it should end one day.
    - AK KD
      June 4, 2015 at 2:52 pm
      Wow… I’ve read more of this website and see that there are others who have been through similar legal hell. It’s unfortunate. Your advice is spot on and similar to the tips I gave to a friend who just started the divorce process. My lawyers have said that I should have an honorary law degree after all this mess!
      Legal procedures and rules need to change to truly benefit the children. I’m in Texas with 15 and 10 year old daughters. They deserve the best from both parents. Their biological father is now unemployed after committing two felonies and financially destroying his family’s business. He continues to live high and mighty off of inheritance money, while not meeting financial obligations for his children.
      After scanning The Yamauchi Reasons for Judgment, I see that your trial was September 24-26, 2008. My divorce was finalized on September 26, 2008. I was unhappily married for almost 9 years.
      Thank you for providing this forum for support!
    - lisa
      June 4, 2015 at 4:19 pm
      Thanks for reading and I hope some of the articles are helpful. You’re right that the children’s welfare should always be the most important adn part of that is making sure mom and dad are healthy, too. What a coincidence our divorce dates are the same!
    - lisa
      June 4, 2015 at 4:17 pm
      It sounds like interim legal fees may be similar to asking the court for costs to be covered for a legal proceeding (in the event you get what you ask for you can be awarded the costs). Costs only amount to a fraction of the true legal costs though.
      
      You sound like you’ve done lots of different applications. You’re an ‘Erin Brokovich’ 🙂 I’m sorry your ex is so very difficult and not complying to orders. They have ways of enforcing those…I’m sure you know all that. It will end one day. Stay strong, alicia!
Corina Ramos
June 3, 2015 at 9:23 am
Hi Lisa,

I’m sorry I haven’t been by sooner. I hope you’re having a great week.

You gave her some great advice. There are so many things going through one’s mind in the middle of a divorce that steps like this are overlooked. But they are very important.

My heart goes out to this lady and her SIL. I’m with you. I hope they jumped on the next plane to go help her out. She needs all the support and guidance she can get.

Hope you’re having a great week!

Cori
- lisa
  June 3, 2015 at 2:42 pm
  Hi Cori, exactly right. Nothing beats the physical support of a brother at a time like this. The initial few months are so chaotic that any emotional or financial support acts as that much needed bridge to get to the other side and start over. Nice to see you, Cori!
Adrienne
June 2, 2015 at 4:14 pm
Hey Lisa,

You’ve given her some great advice and now it’s up to her to take it.

I have to agree with Donna actually about the safety of the children if he’s an alcoholic and I’m sure there are many more issues she’s having to deal with. I can’t even imagine not having any support financially at all but I would definitely hope she would have her lawyer start with the advice you’ve shared if she hasn’t already. I understand they love to rack up the expenses but this is no laughing matter and putting it off will only cause more issues. Some could be the safety of the children.

Thanks for sharing this with us Lisa, again, great advice.

~Adrienne
- lisa
  June 3, 2015 at 2:40 pm
  Yes, I agree with you, Adrienne. So important for her to get her support in order so she can feed herself and her girls! Thanks for stopping over and sharing your thoughts here!
Donna Merrill
June 1, 2015 at 9:04 am
Hi Lisa,

You have given her great advice! This gal sure needs a lawyer to fight her battles. Although her family members are concerned, maybe deep inside, she is not ready to move forward.

I would like to add that if she is not getting a lawyer to fight her battle, this is a reflection of her as a mother of children. It is her sole responsibility to do anything she can to protect her kids and give them a life they deserve.

She sure sounds like she is in a fear space for whatever reason, but if only someone could reach her and tell her she is “endangering” her children maybe it would get through to her. When I say “endangering” I know it sounds harsh, but I did volunteer work with battered women shelters in the past. Although this is not severe, sounds like she is playing victim and not putting her kids first.

That’s my two cents!

-Donna
- lisa
  June 1, 2015 at 4:49 pm
  Hi Donna, this situation certainly has the potential to become like the ones you’ve seen at the shelter, no doubt. She does have a lawyer but she doesn’t like to bother her unnecessarily because of the costs. I can understand that. Every email or 1 minute telephone call will cost and it adds up fast.
  
  As for the protecting her kids? You’re right, Donna. She really should put that as her first priority and if that means finding a new place to live, then she needs to do that right away. Thanks for adding your thoughts here! 🙂 When we’re in it, we can’t always see the forest for the trees as they say.
Eli@coachdaddy
May 30, 2015 at 5:07 pm
What about a situation in which a father/husband wants to give everything to his family? When he wants to make sure they stay in the house and their bills are paid for? When all he wants is minimal assets for essential expenses, and to see his kids often?
- lisa
  May 30, 2015 at 5:18 pm
  Sounds like a dream! What a hopeful and forgiving ex. Thanks for stopping over, Eli!
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
May 29, 2015 at 9:57 pm
I truly hope she gets the help she deserves. I know someone going through this same situation right now. The father is a dead- beat dad and has never given her a dime!
- lisa
  May 29, 2015 at 11:12 pm
  Dead beat dads are the worst. Argh. I hope this lady got some things in order. I didn’t hear anything more. Hope your friend gets through okay, Marcia. You can send her over here for some moral support. 🙂
Tamara
May 28, 2015 at 7:22 pm
I really hope she got/gets help. My friend couldn’t afford a lawyer through a recent bitter divorce and eventually she had to use student loans to get one, but she had felt so powerless previously.
- lisa
  May 29, 2015 at 4:44 am
  Hi Tamara, that’s too bad that your friend had to use student loans. It’s hard because if a person has a small income they won’t qualify for legal aid (unless they have zero income). Going into debt for legal fees adds more stress to the situation. That’s why I was motivated to write my article on self representing to get your support. I don’t condone self representing but there are times a person has to take action to protect themselves. It’s meant to empower those who feel they have none. Thanks for sharing here, Tamara!
Jane Thrive
May 28, 2015 at 11:31 am
Great advice Lisa! I agree–she needs to get the spousal/child support order in pronto. And I don’t know Canadian family law, but what your follower, Vanessa said about changing her status–hopefully that will help!

I also agree–the joint accounts need to be looked at immediately, as well. If he is as volatile and mean spirited as he is coming across, then he may have already drained them or there is a good chance he will, so hopefully she can get access to that.

And…yes, to family support!! I did it with my family thousands of miles away, but i had my friends here which meant the world. And my best friend flew out to visit me right after he moved out, which was balm for the soul.

As for moral support and other advice, there’s a single parents forum that i know of that really helped me, and I know there is at least one Canadian (single dad) on it. People post anonymously there, but there are super divorce/single parent veterans there who offer clear and concise advice and support. I don’t know how you feel about me posting a link here, so let me know if it’s okay, and if so, I’ll post it! 🙂

I am really feeling for your reader’s sister in law, and hope she gets all the help and support she can get! <3
- lisa
  May 29, 2015 at 4:41 am
  Hi Jane, I’m glad your best friend made the trip out for you. People don’t realize how meaningful that is. Now that we’re veterans we would know exactly how to help our friends. 🙂 Yes, definitely feel free to post a link like that, Jane. The more information the better! Thank you.
  - Jane Thrive
    May 29, 2015 at 10:22 am
    Thanks Lisa!
    
    It’s call The Single Family Voices Forum–includes single moms, dads,supporters of either, re-married single parents, you name it. It was started years ago by a veteran single mom whose kids are now grown.
    
    http://www.singlefamilyvoices.com/forum
    
    It’s free–you have to register to post and as you post more and respond more to others, you ‘earn’ more privileges (i.e. private messaging, etc.)
    
    Anyway, it’s a great resource of information! Hope it’s helpful to others!
    
    🙂
    - lisa
      May 29, 2015 at 11:11 pm
      Thanks for the share, Jane. This sounds like a great forum!
marie
May 28, 2015 at 8:20 am
Good advice Lisa. I am sure your words helped them a lot. It means so much to know that somebody is out there, ready to listen and help. It can be so overwhelming. We don’t know what to do, where to start.
I think I would jump in the first plane!
Stay well and may you keep helping others finding their ways.
- lisa
  May 29, 2015 at 4:39 am
  Thank you, Marie! Yes, I would jump on a plane, too. It’s a volatile time and the help of a family member really means the world at a time like that.
Totally Caroline
May 28, 2015 at 7:20 am
My divorce was hard on me, but I am so glad that I do not have to deal with the children issue (as we had none). I don’t know how you women do it, but god bless you!
- lisa
  May 29, 2015 at 4:37 am
  Hi Caroline, No doubt your divorce was hard. It’s a hard thing to go through with or without children. Bless you back for writing about your experiences 🙂
Balroop Singh
May 27, 2015 at 8:00 pm
You are so sweet and kind Lisa! I am so glad to read that you are offering advice to readers. It is more than moral support, which could be very helpful at such times. I am proud of you!
- lisa
  May 27, 2015 at 8:35 pm
  Thank you, Balroop! Some of the women are in such dire straits I feel terrible for them and yet there is always a solution beneath the difficulties. We have the power 🙂
My Inner Chick
May 27, 2015 at 3:22 pm
Lisa,
I LOVE how you utilize your voice for GOOD! FABULOUS! xxxx
- lisa
  May 27, 2015 at 8:34 pm
  Thank you, Kim! I’m not sure my answers are as thorough as some would like but I can’t give legal advice 🙂 xo
Chrys Fey
May 27, 2015 at 3:14 pm
If I ever had to get a divorce the first thing I’d do is get a lawyer. They know what to do and can offer you advice on everything.
- lisa
  May 27, 2015 at 8:33 pm
  Absolutely true, Chrys. I always advise to shop around and meet more than two by taking advantage of that free consultation many of them offer.
Vanessa D.
May 27, 2015 at 11:53 am
One other thing, the SIL should immediately contact Canada Revenue regarding her change in marital status. Her monthly Child Tax Credit will increase significantly and that is I believe effective immediately/retroactively from the date of status change.
- lisa
  May 27, 2015 at 8:32 pm
  Great tip!! Thanks for the mention 🙂
Vanessa D.
May 27, 2015 at 11:50 am
I feel for that woman, I really do. I was fortunate enough that my ex did always pay his support. In Canada, support is calculated on the non-custodial parents gross income. The legislation assumes that the non-custodial parent would spend a set percentage of his income for the care of his children if the marriage continued and bases it on that. There are tables laying out these amounts and quite a bit of advice to be found at http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/. Also, if the sister happens to live in Ontario there is the FRO – or Family Responsibility Office http://www.mcss.gov.on.ca/en/mcss/programs/familyResponsibility/ to help as well. Other Provinces probably have similar government programs.
- lisa
  May 27, 2015 at 8:32 pm
  Thanks for the wonderful tips, Vanessa! You’re right that every Province has its own Family Enforcement office whereby a person can register their child suport/spousal support court order. You’re right about the Child Support tables which are the same across Canada and based on the parents’ income. In the States though, child support isn’t as specific as here which makes it harder to nail down amounts.