I get many questions coming in from readers all over the world. I like to feature a question that many women can relate to. It’s valuable to share and discuss common questions readers have about their divorce but sometimes I get questions about a failing marriage. I usually respond in a gentle way. Here on the blog we can explore this scenario further. I can be a little more harsh…tell it like it is as they say.
Note: I share this to add value to the blog by allowing everyone to discuss common questions and problems, not to disrespect the person asking the question, in any way.
Q: Dear Lisa,
I know you are not a professional in the field….just looking for some outside input on my situation since I can’t talk to family or friends about it.
My husband has been having multiple “emotional” affairs. He always says they are nothing but I feel differently. He says he’s just talking and nothing is happening….I don’t believe a word that comes from his mouth anymore. I don’t trust him to go anywhere by himself. He tells me he doesn’t want to lose me or our kids.
I’m not even sure what I’m asking here. I’m so confused on what to do……How do you choose between loving yourself enough to rip apart not only our little family but our extended family too (we are all very close in a very small community)
I love him I do but I feel like it’s not enough….I don’t know how to stop him from wanting to talk to other women. Thanks for having an ear, if you did read this.
I’ll just skip over the part about not being a professional. 🙂 I’m not a marital counselor—true. But when it comes to smelling a rat, I’ve become a Pro…
A: Dear _______,
It sounds like you’re in a difficult position. There is no proof that he’s
having affairs, yet, your instincts are warning you. The fact that you don’t
trust him is a huge red flag. A marriage without trust is next to impossible
to maintain with confidence, love and happiness.
Your question about how do you know when to rip your family apart? That is
something only you can answer. Perhaps some marital counseling will help you
and your husband move forward and re-build trust. Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Lisa
image source; Pinterest
So, I recommend counseling because I feel, if you don’t at least try that then how do you know for sure? Plus, who am I to tell someone they ought to dump their husband? My aim here is to help people already going through divorce rather than encourage divorce per se.
BTW, my husband and I went to couples counseling many years before the marriage came to an end. I had been down that road and knew we were beyond repeating that step.
A couple of things about this question;
a) She suspects there are affairs and is convinced there are ’emotional’ affairs-this is tough because without actual evidence, do we really know for sure? If our instincts are telling us it’s true, then it must be? Instincts are rarely wrong however, the lack of trust could be caused by other problems creating doubt in the relationship. For example, a lack of attention including a lack of sex will often cause deep insecurity. If he ignores her most of the time or takes her for granted, she will definitely notice when he’s giving other women attention. There’s nothing worse than accusing your innocent spouse. The only thing worse would be finding out it’s true and that’s why it’s a catch-22 for any suspicious wife (or husband).
b) She wants to know how to choose between ‘loving’ herself enough and ‘ripping apart’ her family—Well, ripping apart a dysfunctional family or an unhealthy marriage isn’t a terrible thing. Maybe we should call it re-building rather than ripping apart. As to when the time is right? There is never a ‘right’ time. It’s always a bad time to get a divorce because it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Also, where you live, whether it’s a small town or a big city…has little relevance. It’s your life. You’re not living it for your in-laws nor your town, city or community. You live your life for you and your children. If you’re not happy then guess what? Neither are your kids.
Further reading; Harleena Singh’s article at AhaNow.com 7 Top Signs That Your Spouse is Having an Affair
Your turn: What would you advise?
Comments are closed.
Design by ThemeShift.
Charlotte
March 10, 2015 at 6:57 am“I don’t believe a word that comes from his mouth anymore. I don’t trust him to go anywhere by himself.” <This. Broke my heart. I don't know how a marriage (or any lasting relationship) can ever thrive without that major underlying element called trust. When you start to have those feelings of doubt, well, that's when we start to become unhinged, isn't it?
Wishing her much comfort during this difficult time and hope whichever direction she chooses, that she stands fully behind her reason. XOXO
lisa
March 10, 2015 at 8:58 amI completely agree, Charlotte. Without trust, it’s hard to have anything else. Lack of trust will poison the relationship. I hope this woman is able to confront and work on the issues with him with a counselor. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here!
Kimberly
March 4, 2015 at 6:48 amIt’s very clear that trust is the core of the issue.
Does he not trust her enough to communicate his emotional needs to her?
Why does she not trust him to talk to other women?
Why are they not talking?
The best place to get this conversation going would be in front of a professional counsellor for sure.
lisa
March 4, 2015 at 8:35 amGreat questions, Kim! You would make a good counselor yourself. 🙂
Marie
March 2, 2015 at 3:01 amI definitely think couselling is the first best advice you can give to a person in such a situation Lisa. We ought to try to understand, to talk together, to see what’s wrong and how you can deal with it. I believe that if both people wish to save their marriage, at least, nothing is lost yet, even though rebuilding trust is a tough process.
But what is important too, and many outlined it here, is to trust your inner voice and always remember that you deserve the best, that you are worth it. And whoever mess up with you is not worth your love.
Take care Lisa.
lisa
March 2, 2015 at 9:49 amI agree, Marie. If both parties are willing to try they may overcome the issue. Listening to your inner voice and knowing your worth will also help us to understand when it’s time to end it.Thanks for stopping over and sharing here 🙂
Mike
March 1, 2015 at 8:47 amWell shoot, I don’t know how I missed this post. Regardless, I’m sorry for arriving late, Lisa. I’ve unfortunately witnessed at least a couple of hundred of divorces in my career. Through a lot of life experience I learned early on that there are 2 sides to each story. While I’m fiercely loyal to my friends (male and female)…if they approach me I will ask them what their significant other would say. Too often folks rush to judgment before seeking what that other side of the story is…because it can frequently be entirely different than what the first scorned individual has painted a picture of. The big thing I have to always remind myself of is…to not get in the middle of anything. Oh lordy, I made that mistake more than once and got burned in the early years. Good lesson lol 🙂 You did great on recommending counseling. Not that you need my endorsement 🙂 You are spot on that if there isn’t trust it’s going to be a long haul in a relationship. Another fantastic post, my friend! 🙂
lisa
March 1, 2015 at 9:23 amhi Mike, ‘not getting in the middle’ is a great tip. I always recommend therapy to people. It’s funny, I get many inquiries about marital issues yet I’m actually aiming to give divorce advice. I guess that’s irony. Thanks for stopping over and sharing your experience here!
Mike
March 1, 2015 at 10:21 amMaybe you have an expanded audience at your fingertips, Lisa! 🙂
lisa
March 1, 2015 at 1:40 pmHa! I would make a terrible marital counselor 😛
totally Caroline
February 28, 2015 at 7:32 amWonderful advice. My best advice to any woman, which applies to the one who wrote to you, and something I am also working on for myself is this: know your worth. I think it is the corner stone solving all of our problems. Know that you are special, and you deserve to be treated that way. When you realize you are with someone who clearly doesn’t understand your worth, it is seriously time to reevaluate.
Hope you have a great weekend Iisa 🙂
lisa
February 28, 2015 at 11:37 am“Know your worth.”!! Awesome reminder, Caroline. Thank you for that. One of the main points in Chapter 1 of my self help book. 🙂
Mi Muba
February 28, 2015 at 7:17 amHi Lisa
Without trust a marriage can be anything but living together happily and joyfully.
In eastern parts of the world most marriages are continued just because divorce is still a taboo here and especially a divorced woman is treated as an outcast.
Mistrusting the life partner on the basis of a previous mishap is right but just on the basis of assumption and doubts this can lead to a breakup.
Usually people don’t think with other’s mind and then such embarrassing situations occur.
Thanks a lot for sharing this post on such a sensitive topic.
lisa
February 28, 2015 at 11:38 amHi Mi, Communication being key to understanding. If there’s no communication then certain behaviors can be misread. Thanks for sharing your insight!
Taunya
February 27, 2015 at 9:08 amI would ditto the advise for counseling. Having more than one emotional affair. Not trusting him. Breakdown in communication are all red flags.
I had an emotional affair the 2nd year of our marriage. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t discuss it. We just moved on. I wouldn’t recommend that in a bazillion years.
I will admit. It took EVERYTHING in my power to not let that relationship turn into a physical relationship.
When you ‘love’ someone (which is what an emotional is) everything in you is going to want to ‘BE’ with them. It’s going to drive you together physically.
If you don’t get counseling you’re going to live together as friends and you’re going to teach your children that an unhealthy relationship is what is ‘normal’.
lisa
February 27, 2015 at 3:26 pmGood advice, Taunya. Living as roommates isn’t natural and yes, it would be teaching the kids an unhealthy relationship IMHO. We always must consider what we’re teaching them by staying and by leaving. Thanks for sharing your experience, Taunya 🙂
Harleena Singh
February 27, 2015 at 12:39 amHi Lisa,
I loved the question raised in this post, and your sane advice – certainly a pro in all of this I would say 🙂
Let me thank you for the link love on the spouse having an affair post, which I wrote seeing so many people go through a similar situation.
When trust is lost in a relationship, I think you lose everything. I don’t know what led her to feel the way she did, but as you mentioned, if your instincts are hinting at something, it means something is obviously not right, and perhaps both of them need to sit and talk things out.
I know it’s easier said than done, when perhaps her husband won’t be a ready party, but she can try and find ways, or else, seek counselling. As there are kid’s involved, I’d not say to give up so easily because divorce can be bad for you and the kids (unless it’s the last option), and I think she feels for him, and all of this is just based on her assumption more than anything else, which could be right, but also could be wrong till she doesn’t find out the whole truth and reason behind his ways.
I agree with what Bren mentioned above, as she’s gone through a lot herself, and in such a case, you need to check for yourself the reason why he’s drifted away. Is it because of you or something in your way? Or is it some other reason? Whatever be the reason, would you be able to forgive him? Once you do that, would you be able to forget it all and move ahead with your life – that is the biggest challenge, followed by building the lost trust, which certainly isn’t easy.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice weekend 🙂
lisa
February 27, 2015 at 9:11 amYes, great tips, Harleena. It’s hard to say whether anyone is right or wrong in these situations. One thing is for sure though, better communication and maybe therapy to get to the bottom of the source of her uneasiness and his constant emotional ‘bonding’ with other women. It’s interesting because we always think of extra marital sex when we think of betrayal in a marriage but betrayal can take many different forms; emotional or financia, for example.
Your article was excellent and I’m sure will help many people going through this. Thanks for stopping over, Harleena! 🙂
My Inner Chick
February 26, 2015 at 3:37 pmFOLLOW
your instincts.
If she feels this, it is true.
I agree w/ counseling.
Also, I would have a BIG problem w/ my husband having emotional affairs w/ other women.
For me, this is much more PERSONAL than sex.
xxx Kiss for you, Lisa.
lisa
February 26, 2015 at 10:42 pmAbsolutely agree, Kim!Yes, an emotional affair seems more intimate than sex.Thanks, Kim! xoxo
Shelah
February 26, 2015 at 9:49 amI feel for this woman because I personally would really struggle if my husband had a bunch of close girl “friends” but I have to say that I have some friends in good, healthy marriages where opposite sex friendships are okay. I’m thinking of one friend in particular. Her now husband always preferred women to men when socializing which makes him a great listener, and excellent partner in many ways–because he genuinely understands and enjoys women. So she is able to understand that for her to ask him to give up his female friends, would be the same as him asking her to give up her female friends. All this to say it’s definitely something that can be worked out, but I think it’s important that her husband above all cares how she feels. If something makes her uncomfortable, even if it’s innocent, he should be sensitive to that and try to set her at ease (maybe invite her to hang out with his friends as a couple). Anyway, as I said my husband doesn’t have any female friends and I’m thankful for this—-but I have to remind myself of this when I’m smacked in the face with how he’s not the best at relating to women (a.k.a “me”). I’ve had to really branch out and get my deeper relational needs met through other women. Every personality type has its tradeoffs. Hoping the best for her marriage! 🙂
lisa
February 26, 2015 at 11:16 amThat’s an interesting perspective, Shelah. I guess the friendship or opposite sex emotional connection works for some couples. I’m not sure men are built that way though for the most part. I think it’s important to have girlfriends to talk things out with so that’s great you have that outlet. We can’t get everything from one person in our life 🙂 Yes, I hope things work out for her! Thanks for sharing your experience here!
Tamara
February 25, 2015 at 2:16 pmI’d probably advise counseling too. Maybe five or ten years ago I would have just told her straight out to dump him, but perhaps they can find a place of trust and respect again. I’d hope!
Often counseling does lead to divorce anyway, but it’s worth that shot sometimes.
lisa
February 25, 2015 at 3:34 pmHi Tamara, yes, sometimes therapy only confirms what our instincts tell us. At least they could say they’ve tried though and that’s important for the future. In later years they can remember they tried everything they could to improve things. Thanks for joining the conversation!
Jane Thrive
February 25, 2015 at 10:48 amI agree with your thoughtful response and also everyone else’s! Very thoughtful and wise.
Something else occurred to me when I read her query about “loving herself” enough to “rip apart her family”–it made me think: we as women are often looked at for shouldering the sole responsibility to “keep our family together.” And…if we do something that is actually in our best interest (leaving an unhealthy, stressful relationship, trying to raise our kids in a better environment), it’s akin to being ‘selfish,’ and/or “breaking apart the family.”
If counseling doesn’t work–and maybe it will! I think counseling is a great idea–it’s not really the reader’s sole responsibility that she is ‘breaking apart the family.’
It is equally the responsibility of the straying husband (emotional and/or physical affair–does irreparable damage to trust–if you can’t trust your spouse, how can you raise your children to understand and learn what it means to be trustworthy?).
I guess what i’m saying is–if ultimately it comes down to the reader’s decision to trust her gut and build a new life for herself, one based on trust and love and self-worth, i hope she, and her world and her support network, can be gentle and understanding of all of these complicated factors. It’s hard enough to leave a marriage, without the judgment (of self and by others), and I’m hopeful this reader can find the path that is the best for her and her kids. <3
p.s. lastly–loving oneself and loving your spouse–in the best of worlds and cirumstances–would hopefully not be mutually exclusive. <3
lisa
February 25, 2015 at 12:33 pmThank you, Jane for your valuable points made! It’s true that blame is shouldered on the party that decides to end the marriage regardless of the state of the marriage itself. It takes 2 to make it or to break it. Unfortunately, the spouse who is left often plays victim and takes zero responsibility in the demise of the marriage. Not fair.
Also, I agree that generally it is looked upon as the woman’s fault if the family is ‘broken’. Not fair. leaving an unhealthy, unsafe marriage takes immense courage and self love or at least the desire for self love (as you know)!
Your p.s. is also true and something that is possible. When it’s found, then life is about as wonderful as possible 🙂
Chrys Fey
February 25, 2015 at 9:00 amNot trusting him is a big red flag. I always say to listen to your gut. Counseling is the best thing a couple can do to work out problems and fix their marriage, as long as both are willing.
I hope everything works out for the best with her.
lisa
February 25, 2015 at 9:11 amYou hit that right on, Chrys. Counseling only works if both parties are serious about it. Also, it may require trying a few different therapists before finding one that is effective.
Thanks for your input! 🙂
Brenda Lee
February 25, 2015 at 8:07 amAfter being in a relationship where an emotional affair almost turned into a physical one (but I found out), it is a very difficult thing to understand. Imo, there is a reason why he is talking to other women. Whether it is something lacking in the home or him just testing the ground to see if he is appealing to other women. The question you must ask yourself is (1) is he willing to stop the emotional affair? If not, for me, that says a lot about your marriage. If he is willing to stop the emotional affair, are you (1) able to forgive him and move on the in relationship; and (2) will you be able to retrust him again.
I wrote about my own experience with this on my blog you’re interested in reading it. I also even wrote a book about it which you can find on my site as well.
Lastly, you will receive a lot of advice as to what you could or should do but ultimately it must come within you. Please know you are not alone.
B
lisa
February 25, 2015 at 9:10 amGreat advice, Bren! Your article and book would be very helpful for anyone going through this. Feel free to post your link to your book in a reply, here! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Re-building trust is the key but probably not easy and YES, listening to your instincts and heart instead of friends’ advice is always best IMHO (but it always helps to get other perspectives).
tracie @ beets+birch
February 24, 2015 at 9:56 pmnodding head all the through your response and the comments.
an emotional affair IS an affair, it is an intimate betrayal and most likely the gateway to a sexual affair.
and if the other one turns the tables to cover their tracks trying to make you feel you’re just being jealous or crazy… that’s bullshit. trust your gut!!!
lisa
February 24, 2015 at 11:01 pmGut instincts don’t lie. I agree. Looks like this guy is headed for the big D. Of course, I don’t like to tell a person such a thing but she sounds lonely and neglected.
Well put, Tracie “The betrayal is a gateway to a sexual affair”. I just read one of the signs is vehement denial and as you say, making their spouse feel crazy. Thanks, Tracie for sharing 🙂
Balroop Singh
February 24, 2015 at 7:02 pmYou are right Lisa, I think trust is the basis of all relationships. Intuition should never be snubbed which also plays a very meaningful role in understanding the other person. Body language especially eyes convey it all. So it is not all that hard to figure out the level of ’emotional affair.’
Divorce is undoubtedly a difficult decision, a lifetime decision and an irreversible one, which has to be taken very carefully, considering the afterlife for children but that surely doesn’t mean being treated like a door mat.
lisa
February 24, 2015 at 7:46 pmAh, yes trust is a necessity IMHO. Also, I didn’t listen to my instincts enough when I was younger so I make a point of it now. Thanks for your input, Balroop!
Maria-Elena
February 24, 2015 at 3:18 pmContinuing an emotional affair is playing with fire no matter how much one wants to ‘down play’ it. Sometimes, there’s actually a full-blown affair, but it is ‘minimized’ by the betrayer as merely ’emotional’. The point is that couples should be turning toward each other, not away… I would start with the book Close Calls! by Dave Carder and NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.Need help learning how to Confront, Skip to the 2nd part of the book When Your Lover is a Liar by Susan Forward
lisa
February 24, 2015 at 6:23 pmThanks for recommendations, Maria. I agree with you. I think emotional affair is equally if not more damaging to a marriage (relationship). I think if something is only physical then it keeps the heart out (although I’m not sure who can do this..)
Brenda Lee
February 25, 2015 at 8:15 amI don’t mean to intrude, but I agree with you Maria. I was in a similar situation and we decided to work out our issues and work on the marriage. It’s definitely not easy but when I said “I do”, I said if forever. If both couples can work it out imo, I highly recommend. As Lisa said, divorce is not an easy thing.