Undoubtedly, one of the biggest challenges during divorce and in the initial stages of separation, is parenting. Parenting is a labour of love even in intact homes. However, add divorce and it is riddled with guilt, logistical obstacles, loneliness and tug of war. If you’re experiencing any of this know you’re not alone.
The guilt seems insurmountable at times. You feel terrible as a parent that you have caused your child’s life to change. They didn’t ask for this after all. But remember, they are learning tough lessons if you stayed in an unhappy, or volatile marriage. An intact family does not necessarily mean happy children.
The divorce will bring change but change means growth for all of you including the children. They become more empathetic people as a result of this change. Also, remain true to your parenting ethics. Try not to let guilt interfere with your house rules and parenting style. 
Next, logistical obstacles are bound to occur with scheduling time between two homes. Start a yearly schedule to show which parent they will be with and when.
Although you can discuss custody arrangements with your children, be cognizant that ultimately it should be the parents’ decision. Mom and Dad know what’s best, not a 10 year old. Communication with the other parent is paramount to reducing logistical nightmares.
What special events do the children have? When are they going to camp? Who is paying for registration for their activities? Who will volunteer and when? 
All of these types of issues will be well organized and understood with a detailed plan and calendar of events.
Loneliness is an emotion we all feel when we separate. It doesn’t help that we inevitably lose time with our children since we are now “sharing” parenting time with our ex.
Accept that you will be alone more and try not to compensate for this by trying to see the children when they are with their other parent. As tempting as this is, it is much more effective to be respectful of the other parent’s time with the kids. This should be a mutual arrangement. Instead, anticipate your “alone” time. (see my post; TOP 10 Reasons to Love Living Single ) Get in touch with old friends, find or rekindle an old passion or hobby. Be social. It is difficult, but trust me it gets easier in time. Soon the parenting arrangement feels normal and runs quite smoothly.
Lastly, tug of wars are bound to occur between you and your ex. He wants them during your week or he attends activities and events he was previously absent from. He doesn’t tell you about a trip he has planned for the kids next week. His sister calls the kids and requests them for lunch when you’ve already made plans for them that day. She failed to ask you first. All of these situations lead to tug of war or a mini struggle.
Your children are precious to you. Suddenly your time with them goes as fast as the sand in an hourglass. Although flexibility is important, the obtrusive demand for the children when they should be with you is destructive and undermining.
If there is a special occasion, and lots of warning it would certainly be reasonable to allow access and again, this must be mutual. The planning and schedule along with mutual respect, will definitely cut down on the tug of war syndrome of shared parenting.
1) Allow at least a month before legally committing to a parenting “custody agreement”, this will give you some time to assess the climate of the divorce, your ex and the needs of the children
2) Stay true to your parenting style; maintain routines, and house rules including setting boundaries (i.e. is there one day of the week devoted to you and your children only; no outsiders?)
3) Set up a yearly parenting schedule on a calendar including who has them when, but listing any holidays, school events or special occasions to alleviate logistical confusion
4) Make plans for your own social and work life so you do not rely on your children for emotional support
5) Try to keep communication open (with children as well as your ex) and maintain mutual respect to limit tug of war syndrome
Maintaining a healthy family post separation, will be your greatest challenge. It can be done. Remember, you know what is best for your family so stay strong. There will be pain but without pain, there is no growth. You and your children are a new family unit moving toward the future together. To meet your parenting challenges believe in yourself, trust your instincts and it will fall into place in time.
What is your parenting challenge? Do you have some parenting after separation tips to share?
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Harleena Singh
March 8, 2014 at 1:17 amHi Lisa,
Nice tips indeed 🙂
I think the kids are the ones who suffer the most when there is any divorce or separation, unless it’s really a matter of the kids and good for them. Usually, just as you mentioned, the tiffs between the couples is best avoided by taking turns to raise the kids or get them over the weekend, or have your own time with them, so that the kids can enjoy both parents without issues.
I have an aunt and she manages it just this way, so far so good and there’s peace and cordial relationship maintained between her and her hubby.
Thanks for sharing. Happy Women’s Day 🙂
lisa
March 8, 2014 at 10:03 amThanks, Harleena! It sounds like your Aunt has got it right! Happy Women’s Day back at you 🙂
Beverly Diehl
March 7, 2014 at 9:05 amIdeally, parents can put aside the bitterness and work together for the good of the kids. Luckily, my family had always celebrated Xmas on Xmas Eve, so we continued that tradition; son & I woke up Xmas Eve morning, and Santa had come! Later, we went to my sister’s for a Christmas Eve family celebration, and my ex would pick him up there, and take him to HIS place, where, in the morning, Santa came! Our kid felt like he totally had it over kids with mothers and fathers in the same house.
lisa
March 7, 2014 at 9:39 amThat’s awesome, Beverly! A great example of making it even better for the child 🙂 One thing we did right was to share Christmas. We took turns each year where the kids would be with me Xmas Eve and then to their Dad Xmas day (and alternate). Thanks for sharing, Beverly!
Jodi Aman
March 5, 2014 at 2:10 amYour list of things to do is fantastic. I walk familiy’s through this situation. I LOVE number four! This happens too much. It happened to me when my parent’s divorced. Even though I was older, it was still awful! <3
lisa
March 5, 2014 at 8:23 amThanks, Jodi! I guess it really doesn’t matter the age of the children, it’s still ugly. You must see so much s**t in your practice. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Jmatk
March 2, 2014 at 12:11 pmI struggled with this part of the separation. Dad doesn’t see mine as often as he could. He changed his job to spend more time with them but they actually see him less as his social life exploded. Suddenly he texts saying he’s having them next weekend, or tomorrow etc. I’m expected to drop everything. I’m not strong enough to argue back, unless I gave firm plans. I wish he did think of his children first, providing for them and seeing them are priority. Luckily, they know no different. It’s always been the same 🙁
lisa
March 2, 2014 at 12:17 pmSounds like tough situation for you and the kids. Sounds like Dad isn’t taking it seriously enough. Try setting some clear boundaries with him and see how that goes. Thanks for sharing here! Best to you 🙂
My Inner Chick
March 2, 2014 at 11:51 amI’m sending this to my girlfriend.
She is going thru so many things that you talk about, Lisa.
Love from Minnesota, Dear. xx
lisa
March 2, 2014 at 12:10 pmI hope it helps her out! It really will get better in time, i hope she can keep that in mind. Thanks for sharing this, Kim. xo
Mike
March 2, 2014 at 10:55 amWe didn’t have any children so thank goodness I didn’t have to go through this. But, I can’t imagine being away from or not seeing Phoenix for even a day. So, I completely empathize with parents who are separated from their kids, Lisa! I am quite familiar with the horrors that folks go through as I’ve observed from the “sidelines” during my lifetime. I just want folks to think of the kids FIRST and whatever is best for them. Take egos and emotion away and remember those little souls are the priority. Also you are imprinting them with how you handle that. Sorry for the rant. Good post and the subject matter is important to me 🙂
lisa
March 2, 2014 at 11:39 amYour input is so valuable Mike! I totally agree with all you point out. It is one of the hardest aspects of divorce, being away from your kids. I cried watching Parenthood this week because Julia was alone for the first time while her kids were at her STBX. It brought back some tough memories but it does get better!!