Just my musings on my 54th Christmas and how it works as a divorced mother of three. With three adult children (one step), our family continues to grow as our children marry and bring more life into our blended family.
It’s all good. It’s different, though. I think this Christmas (as even the last three or four) have taught me to roll with it. To make new traditions and to take the moments that I’m blessed to be with my children. Instead of focusing on the actual day, 25th of December, make it whatever day works.
The thing is, once you’re divorced, your family becomes split into two. Dad’s house and Mom’s house. Furthermore, once the grown kids marry, there’s a third Christmas at the in-law’s. And if there’s a split in the in-law’s you have FOUR Christmases. You can see how that complicates what used to be simple. Getting up and opening presents by the fire, turns into getting up and into the car and driving to four houses.
Anyway, we’re not quite at that level of complication but we’re always evolving and that means our traditions change too.
We had an early Christmas on the weekend with our sons and their girlfriend and fiancé. We really lived it up. Ate some nice meals, had some interesting cocktails and conversation. Also, a little shopping in Gastown. We stayed in the city for two nights at the iconic Sylvia Hotel (a tradition). It’s one of the oldest hotels in Vancouver, adjacent to Stanley Park, facing the English Bay and sea wall walk on the beaches.
Christmas is different for us now. I guess eventually we pass the torch to our children to carry on the magic, usually when they have their own children. In the meantime, we make the most of the season even if our kids are adults and we swap out stockings for cash.
My point is, don’t feel alone this season if your children are at their other parent’s. Know that you will have your turn and that you may need to schedule in your time. This makes us appreciate that time even more. Also, we’re more likely to make plans ahead of time to ensure we get to do our Christmas wish list.
Roll with it.
It ain’t easy being Mrs. Claus, especially when Santa gets all the attention (haha). Just know that you’re needed and an integral part of your children’s holiday, regardless of their age.
This post was inspired by a reader who reached out to me with her misgivings about being a single mom, with grown children during the holidays. I hope this post reassures her that the season is what we make of it, regardless of our marital status.
The loneliness of motherhood is real but it doesn’t have to define us.
How have your Holiday traditions changed lately?
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Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
December 27, 2018 at 5:27 pmMy parents divorced when I was 10 so I find this post very easy to relate to. I always had two separate Christmases, one with my Dad and his parents and then one with my mom and her parents. Thankfully, as long as they all got to spend holiday time with me, they didn’t particularly care which day it actually took place. The separate Christmases has continued to this day but has stretched out to 4 days of celebrations as the family has grown, but again, everyone is flexible about what day we specifically celebrate with them so it works well for us and we have a wonderful time with each set of relatives.
lisa
December 28, 2018 at 1:21 pmFlexibility is the key to Christmas happiness! Thanks for sharing your experience, Suzanne. It’s always nice to hear from adult children of divorce and how things are working for them.
Balroop Singh
December 26, 2018 at 9:59 amI love that picture Lisa… it evokes a perfect holiday feeling!
Enjoy your holidays dear friend and have a wonderful beginning to the New Year. Love and hugs.
lisa
December 28, 2018 at 1:20 pmIt’s cute. Happy Holidays, Balroop! Hugs to you.
ShootingStarsMag
December 25, 2018 at 2:46 pmMerry Christmas! I like that you wrote this post because of someone who wrote in to you, and hopefully it will make them feel better. 🙂
-lauren
lisa
December 28, 2018 at 1:20 pmMerry Christmas, Lauren. yes, I hope so, too. Thanks for stopping over!
Christine Carter
December 23, 2018 at 5:37 amLisa, you are such an inspiration to so many and I am incredibly grateful to know you! I can’t imagine how hard it must be for divorced moms going through all the changing traditions, especially when it comes to Christmas. I love that you are always thinking of and helping those who need the encouragement and guidance to manage each difficult turn through it all…
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CARD!! I opened it late last night after getting home from a Christmas party. You are so dear to take the time to send me it. Have a beautiful Christmas, my friend. XOXO
lisa
December 24, 2018 at 10:09 amBack at ya, Chris xx. It’s definitely hard the first few years post divorce. But it does get better. I’m hoping that message comes through for those moms out there.
You’re welcome, Chris. Glad you liked the card and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family!
Mike
December 22, 2018 at 6:48 pmThat shout out was very nice of you Lisa!! Xoxo 🙂 🙂
lisa
December 24, 2018 at 10:08 amMy pleasure, Mike 🙂
Chrys Fey
December 22, 2018 at 3:39 pmThe first year after my parents divorced, we continued to have our family gift exchange on Christmas Eve at my mom’s where we all lived, and my dad had attended that. Then on Christmas Day, we went to his apartment for gifts. But after that, my Dad moved to Michigan, so we never had to worry or do two separate celebrations. Now, I’m lucky to get a card from my dad, even when I send him one. We still do Christmas Eve gift exchanges. Everyone (my siblings, with their spouses and kids) comes over to either my place or my sister’s. Then they do something with their in-laws on Christmas Day. The more celebrations the merrier. 🙂
P.S. thank you for for the card! I got it a few days ago. I’ve become slack this year, so you’ll be getting yours after Christmas. I have it ready to go but no stamp. lol
lisa
December 24, 2018 at 10:08 amSounds like you have a lovely Christmas eve family tradition, Chrys. Enjoy!! Sorry to hear of the distance between you and your father. That’s hard this time of year. At least your Eve gift exchange continues 😀 Glad you got the card! Merry Christmas!
Mike
December 21, 2018 at 9:35 pmThis post was undoubtably perfect timing for so many single parents. Ironically I had dinner with my single father best buddy and his teenage daughter. We discussed the joys and sometimes sad occurrences in split families. Both of my bio parents were divorced 2 times so Christmas was highly dysfunctional. It wasn’t until I got Phoenix at 39 years old that the magic returned. Wonderful post Lisa! 🙂
lisa
December 22, 2018 at 10:07 amyeah, it’s definitely a hard time of year for the single parents. It’s nice that your friend and his daughter can talk about both the good and bad together. Many single parents have a hard time hearing the downsides from their own children. Open communication is important, tho. Your parents split must have made for some interesting (not always good) Christmas stories, Mike. So happy that you had Phoenix to heal you and help you find the magic again. RIP Phoenix. Anyone who’s feeling down about the season should pop over to your site and read your Christmas story!! hint, hint to my readers 😀
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
December 21, 2018 at 12:53 pmI think you have some lovely holiday traditions and that you’re doing an EXCELLENT job as Mrs. Claus. Merry Christmas, Lisa!
lisa
December 22, 2018 at 10:03 amThank you so much, Marcia. Coming from you, I know I’m on the right track 🙂 Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Tamara
December 21, 2018 at 5:55 amMine have changed! Same place and same people only we have grown by 300%. Insanity.
I was just talking to my good friend who is divorced about how it works with the kids for the holidays. She explained it and it gets complicated because the older one has her own ideas about the scheduling so it’s like three people with their own ideas about it!
Your words are soothing here.
lisa
December 22, 2018 at 10:02 amI bet. More babies in the extended family, right? Enjoy yours, Tamara! Thank you for reading and sharing. Always love to hear your perspective.
Marie Kléber
December 21, 2018 at 1:55 amThis is a lovely post Lisa and you are so right.
It is what we make of it. And we can always make the best of it!
We do adjust with time, people. What matters is being together.
Have a lovely Holiday Season. And enjoy it!
lisa
December 22, 2018 at 10:01 amThank you, Marie. We can try to make the best of it, for sure. Hope yours is heartwarming! Happy holidays and see you in the New Year, my friend.
Ellen Shook
December 20, 2018 at 5:12 pmInteresting post. It has been many, many years since I parted ways with my son’s father, so the problem has apparently resolved itself. The offspring has lived in Beijing, China for a few years, so he celebrates with his Chinese girlfriend, while my (present) husband and I peacefully and joyfully go on about our lives. The “father” is in a nursing home several states away, his dissolute lifestyle having caught up with him. Karma can be a bitch sometimes. I don’t mean to be flippant, because I do realize the divorce situation does create real problems for many families. I guess people just generally do the best they can, and hope the kids are not too messed up in the end. Keep writing your observations on the subject — it does get read and thought about.
lisa
December 21, 2018 at 11:36 amHi Ellen, it’s great to enjoy your time together and still celebrate the holiday. I find we tend to make it for others and not so much for each other. You’re a good example of keeping it celebratory and festive for you and your hubs as a couple. LOVE that. Well, they grow up and move on and have other families to celebrate with. That’s cool as the more love they have the better. Ohhh, Karma… 😉
Early in the divorce it takes a great deal of organization and cooperation to make the holidays happy for the kids and the parents alike (as you know). We’re over that stage thankfully.
You’re right that people do the best they can. thanks, Ellen! Enjoy your cozy Christmas with your hubs!
DGKaye
December 20, 2018 at 4:46 pmHappy holidays LIs! Sounds like you got the system down pat, and hey, you get to extend Christmas with extended celebrating. 🙂 x
lisa
December 21, 2018 at 11:31 amHappy holidays, Deb! Yes, it’s all over now so we get to relax and enjoy with one more turkey dinner on the 25th. 🙂 Hope yours is wonderful!
Jane Thrive
December 20, 2018 at 10:54 amI love this post so much, Lisa! Thank you for showing us divorced moms/blended family moms with younger kids about what the future can look like. <3
I was just mulling over the bittersweetness of the two families holiday situation. We can make the best of a situation–and it's okay to feel the sadness and complicated feelings that the holidays bring–while also opening ourselves up to the joy and love of celebrating with our families. Love and hugs to you!!
lisa
December 20, 2018 at 4:24 pmYou’re welcome, Jane. It’s kind of a ‘thinking out loud’ post and I’m so glad it’s inspirational. It is always hard juggling the holidays while co-parenting. Your circumstances make it even harder. I agree there are mixed feelings so we try to dwell on the joy. Love and hugs to you xxoo