source; Pinterest
One of the most startling changes during my divorce, was my perception of myself. That sounds strange but when I was married I was a good girl. I was a good wife. I understood my role and made the best of my marital life. I played by the rules. I fulfilled expectations as a soccer mom, school volunteer and as a friend and business wife. I wouldn’t call myself a trophy wife as that would suggest I spent many hours primping and looking beautiful while ordering around the help. I was far from that. But I was a good girl. I did as I was told for the most part.
Maybe I wasn’t told but was silently expected to entertain business associates and volunteer for my children’s activities and school. I would also include family relations as having a certain expectation of me as not only the daughter and sister but as the wife of my family’s business partner and employee. Sounds limiting doesn’t it? Reminiscing on this now allows me to realize how far I’ve come.
My perception of myself as a good girl began to change immediately following my separation. I was breaking the rules. I was doing the unthinkable; I was leaving my husband. If my perception of myself was changing then I’m certain those around me saw that too. Some were accepting but others were horrified. Where are you going to live? What are you going to do? You might be bi-polar, You should think this through, were some of the questions and comments coming to me.
With this change in perception came permission to get back to the girl I used to know. It gave me the freedom to be the bad girl…with all the negative connotations that involved. Although I still remained involved with my children’s activities and school, my role there was reduced due to the shared parenting arrangement. The irony of this is that when I say ‘bad girl’ I mean it in the mildest sense of the word. ‘Bad Girl Refutes Wifely Role’ the headlines would read, with my headshot to the left.
Truly, I am hardly a bad girl but I am a free girl. One who no longer has restrictions and expectations placed on her. Now what? Where do we go when we become a bad girl? Let’s start with a quote from Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance;
“Most of us are only bad girls in our dreams. But there’s a pattern in the bad girl lifestyle that deserves contemplation. Bad girls buy what they want to buy, eat what they want to eat, wear what they want to wear, sleep when they want to sleep. Bad girls do not have therapists because they don’t need them. Instead bad girls have housekeepers and masseuses.”
It’s really that simple. Bad girls don’t give a s**t what everyone else thinks. Bad girls are self indulgent. They know exactly what they want and they go for it. Want to be a bad girl with me? First step? Stop caring so much what other people think of us and this list will get us started…Marilyn had it right…
source; Pinterest
-Be STRONG
-get PHYSICAL
-RE-CONNECT with your FAVORITES; music, movies, clothing styles, food
-RE-IGNITE your DREAMS; travel, men, goals, passion
-give yourself PERMISSION to make MISTAKES-it’s okay to be wrong
-STOP apologizing
-START listening to your voice
-EMBRACE your inner sex goddess
-BEND THE RULES to make them work for you
-learn to SAY ‘NO’
“There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.” – Mae West
More Bridget Jones, Less Becky Bloomwood
More Lisbeth Salander, less Nancy Drew
More Samantha, less Charlotte
More women of rock, less women of Pop
More Kalinda, Less Alicia (The Good Wife)
More Madonna, Less GaGa
More Mila, Less Natalie (Black Swan)
More Rita Hayworth, Less Audrey Hepburn
More Natalie Maines, Less Taylor Swift
One of the gifts of divorce is to allow us the freedom to be the bad girl. If you are the one to end the marriage then it comes with the territory. You’re not following the rules “’til death do us part”. You’re on your way, so take it to the finish line…be the Bad Girl.
Did your self perception change during divorce? Do you feel like the ‘Bad Girl’?
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Margaret
September 12, 2013 at 1:58 pmI LOVE this post. I felt it to the bone. I am in the middle of the transition. Just starting to break rules (meaning to be me again).
I am the one who wants to end it. I want my own set of activities and friends. I believe we shouldn’t do things together ALL THE TIME. I want to buy things without hiding the receipts anymore. I am tired of cleaning up his crap. Its like I am the biggest sinner for wanting to take a different route. I am always told to think what other people might think. Well, I am sick of it. I cant wait to create my new life.
Wow…ooops…that was me venting.
lisa
September 12, 2013 at 2:40 pmThat’s what I’m here for Margaret, so you can vent. I know how you feel. I think it is so important to maintain your own friendships outside of the marriage, it really does help keep your sense of self. It’s okay to be different, too. You’re not a sinner… Thanks, Margaret for sharing.
nan @ lbddiaries
September 7, 2013 at 11:41 amVery powerful post. I well remember when I left my abusive ex I moved to another state where my parents were. I took a temporary job as a waitress simply to get out of the house and felt one step off from everyone else. Working with some strong, funny women, I realized that I’d been on a merry-go-round, going round and round and round, while the rest of the world had passed me by and was going forward. I realized I’d lost me and determined right then and there that no one, NO ONE would ever take away who I was ever again. Take me or leave me but I was never going to bend over again. Oh yeah, I found my inner bad girl, and now with Alpha Hubby? She’s worse than ever… but he kinda likes it like that (smile).
lisa
September 11, 2013 at 4:50 pmThat’s awesome! Good for you. Yes, strong men like a bad girl. I’m happy for you that you found your independence and strength. Thanks for sharing!
My Inner Chick
September 6, 2013 at 5:16 amLOVE this post.
I am def a bad girl & proud of it!
The thing is….why are women who WANT TO CHANGE THE UNIVERSE…
called bad?
Xxxxx Superb post, LIsa.
lisa
September 6, 2013 at 9:16 amRight? Keep bending (and breaking some) the rules, I say. Thanks, Kim…us bad girls must stick together
Beverly Diehl
September 3, 2013 at 8:08 amThere’s a joke about “good girls go to heaven; bad girls go anywhere they want” that reminds me of this post.
There’s nothing wrong in playing June Cleaver and vacuuming in pearls and pumps – if that’s what YOU want to do. There are many things wrong with assuming a role or task because you feel it’s EXPECTED of you. It gets complicated when there are kids, because obviously, their needs have to come first BUT if you only live your life for your kids/husband/in-laws/neighbors, is it even really YOUR life? So many women are becoming empty nesters and realizing, because they didn’t keep ANYTHING back for themselves, their lives don’t seem to have any meaning.
I highly recommend always giving our inner bad girls a seat at the table.
lisa
September 3, 2013 at 8:40 amI agree, Beverly. You remind us it’s healthy to maintain hobbies, passions, career while raising our children (as much as is possible)…the bad girl will build and need to free herself eventually!
Mike
September 2, 2013 at 8:25 pmWhat an powerful post, Lisa! I absolutely love it when people reach down and grab onto the courage to fully express themselves in the most raw, intense manner. I’ve had some many girl-friends over the years who have talked to me as well as my own observation about going through the exact same evolution you are. Some of them were suppressed in the marriages, some of them took on roles of what they thought they or their husband wanted to be. Or time flew by, children entred the picture and they woke up morning looking in the proverbial mirror saying, “What the frick happened here?” You are going to be absolutely fantastic in this lifetime and the best of luck to you! 🙂
lisa
September 2, 2013 at 9:28 pmThanks, Mike! Yes, it is an evolution and divorce pushes us through to find that inner bad girl.