image source; dreamstime
At the risk of sounding smug, I’d like to warn of these common divorce mistakes (a few that I’ve made myself). These are only a sampling of many mistakes we make but I’ve narrowed it down to the top five. So, this is a quick and dirty list of what not to do during your divorce.
1. Custody battle in court-because it’s always—probably 99%— better to fight among yourselves when it comes to your children’s custody schedule.
You don’t want a judge to set this for you because you may end up with something unsatisfactory or even devastating. Further, it will be legally binding and very difficult to amend once you’ve been to court.
Not to mention the costs will bankrupt you at worst, and take away your children’s college funds at the very least. So you’ll want to think long and hard before initiating a custody battle in the courts.
2. Answering every scathing email from your ex-fact is you can choose to skip some battles.
Disengage. Channel that frustration somewhere else.
3. Thinking your lawyer will save you-we all need a hero and sometimes we view our lawyers as wearing capes.
This isn’t entirely fair and will only set you up for disappointment.
Also, you’ll have to be proactive in your case. Meaning you have to put an effort in to ensure all information is disclosed, and stay organized with evidence and related documents.
4. Cutting your ex’s family out of your children’s lives-this is not ok.
The only time it would be appropriate is if the ex’s family is hurting the children in any way and that includes bad mouthing you. If you get a sniff of that, it is your discretion how to handle this sensitive situation. I believe it’s important to talk with the children about this if you discover it’s happening. The sooner the better, too and if that means setting boundaries with extended family on either side, then that’s an important call that you can make for the time the children are in your care.
However, barring any wrong doings, why would you keep your children from their relatives or worse their other parent? Not cool.
5. Self absorption and pity-if all you do is talk about your divorce, you’re going to become boring pretty quickly.
Of course, we need to vent and talk about it with a supportive friend or two—that’s ok, but don’t make it your single agenda. There’s so much more to life even when it feels like it’s falling apart.
Divorce is a crazy ride, and you’re on it for a while but there’s also many other great things happening on that journey. Make it your daily ritual to acknowledge your blessings.
It’s hard to keep our heads on straight and thus use common sense during the emotional journey that is divorce. At the very least, we must avoid the common mistakes of lengthy custody battles, using our lawyers as therapists, wallowing in self pity, overlooking what’s good in our life, not picking our battles and responding to every infuriating email from our ex. That’s it.
Not too hard to do? Hahahaha….*laughs* because on paper it sounds easy but I realize keeping our head during this time is not as easy as some people make it look. However, if you avoid the above five mistakes, you’re bound to see an improvement.
Is there anything you would add to this list? Share in the comments.
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divorce lawyers
November 28, 2019 at 5:47 amWhen it comes to negotiating the terms of a divorce, the parties often leverage these issues against one another to achieve a more favorable outcome. Because family law attorneys are experienced handling divorce cases, they can tell you at the outset what course of action would be best for you in proceeding with your divorce, and also how to take steps from there to ensure your goals are achieved.
Kate
May 25, 2018 at 8:48 pmDivorce is expensive, long process, and stressing plus the pain you feel when you thought it would last a lifetime…it’s never easy but you just have to tell yourself to be ready and to be strong…
D. Wallace Peach
March 28, 2018 at 4:43 pmExcellent advice.
lisa
March 31, 2018 at 9:13 amThank you 😀
theescapeplot
March 28, 2018 at 1:40 amHi
This is an important topic. It is better to fight it out yourself and take the divorace.
The article is helpful to people thank you for sharing with us.
Shantala
March 26, 2018 at 12:50 pmGreat tips, Lisa. It can get tricky to keep your head when your emotions control you. So this is a great reminder for those times.
lisa
March 27, 2018 at 10:02 amSo true, Shantala.
Tina Frisco
March 23, 2018 at 7:13 pmExcellent advice, Lisa. We’d all do well to observe #5, regardless of the situation. It’s such a waste of valuable time, and it tends to grow the more we indulge it.
lisa
March 27, 2018 at 10:02 amYes, it’s ok to feel sorry for a bit but eventually we have to snap out of it and deal with things. 😀
Vishnu
March 20, 2018 at 10:10 pmOh I don’t know …maybe avoiding divorce altogether LOL
kidding 🙂 but that should be on the top of life experiences to avoid at all cost ha
I noticed almost every item you mentioned actually does feel good in some way but your wisdom and experience is a good reminder that these are things to actually avoid!
So hard to figure these things out in the middle of divorce because your emotions get the better of you!?!
lisa
March 21, 2018 at 8:49 amHa! Indeed avoiding divorce would be awesome. That’s the problem is the emotions run high and perspective can be lost quite easily.
Chrys Fey
March 20, 2018 at 2:42 pm#2! It’s just like with answering every text or FB message or posting a FB status but your ex that he or his family can see. Just don’t do it!
lisa
March 21, 2018 at 8:47 amRight? It’s so tempting sometimes though. We want to explain our side or clarify a misunderstanding…but we have to remember that some people will not see our side no matter how we try. And then, yes add social media to the mix and you’ve got a volcano waiting to erupt. Bren’s suggestion that setting privacy and unfriending or avoiding the ex (and their family) on all platforms is best.
Jeri
March 19, 2018 at 3:03 pmDespite how it was all put into motion, my divorce was fairly simple and fast overall. One of my friend’s daughters is being sued by her ex purely out of spite, but I guess he must have money to burn with all that’s gone into lawyer’s fees in the process of suing her.
lisa
March 21, 2018 at 8:45 amI’m glad your divorce was simply resolved, Jeri. Do share how you did it 🙂 Money and the courts are a great companion, unfortunately. I hope she has a good lawyer but of course, if she doesn’t have the resources she’s between a rock and a hard place.
Jeri
March 22, 2018 at 11:29 amNot having kids in the mix really helped speed things along, plus he wasn’t going to put up much fight overall since he knew on various levels just how much he’d wronged me.
lisa
March 27, 2018 at 10:01 amYes, not having children to determine support and custody is a huge piece of the divorce puzzle gone, simplifying the process. At least he was cognizant 🙂
Marie Kléber
March 19, 2018 at 4:12 am“Make it your daily ritual to acknowledge your blessings”. YES YES YES.
I remember spending hours answering my ex emails, trying to prove – prove what? – that all hIS writing was nonsense. I lose many hours. For nothing.
As for pity, it only takes us from one step down to one step further down. It does not help and we get frustrated at some stage. People around us too.
After all we are warriors Lisa!
Great tips, great help for all people going through a divorce or even thinking about it.
lisa
March 21, 2018 at 8:43 amThanks, Marie. Yes, we are warriors 😀 That’s a great point about responding to try to prove something. I remember feeling the exact same way and in the end, it’s all for naught. Wasted time.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
March 16, 2018 at 1:47 pmSo many good points here—especially #4. It is important for the kids to stay involved with the ex’s family.
lisa
March 21, 2018 at 8:41 amThanks, Marcia. Yes, it’s unusual circumstances that would make it “right” to keep children from their extended family.
Dan Winster
March 16, 2018 at 5:15 amGreat tips! Answering a bitter email is always a big No as some of it could be used as an evidence against you and contributes hugely to the bitterness already there, which may make it tougher to come on same page in child custody issues.
lisa
March 21, 2018 at 8:40 amYes, exactly. It can be so tempting though. One must ‘keep their head’.
Mahesh
March 15, 2018 at 12:52 pmHello Lisa: All of the points are spot on. I particularly liked the last point: stopping self-pity and negativity from tagging along. Acknowledging the blessings, as you rightly put, is the first step. Best 🙂
lisa
March 15, 2018 at 8:15 pmWelcome, Mahesh. Thanks for stopping over. So true about self-pity. Sometimes we need to acknowledge it and feel sorry but eventually we need to get off our butts. 🙂
Christine Carter
March 15, 2018 at 8:20 amLisa, these are such great tips. As I read through them, I thought of so many of my divorced friends and all they endured. THANK YOU for offering such sound advice.
lisa
March 15, 2018 at 9:06 amThank you, Chris. Yes, it’s such a hard process and hard to watch someone go through it alone.
jane thrive
March 14, 2018 at 11:18 amHugs, hugs, and more hugs, lisa, this is great advice!!
The only thing I’d add or maybe edit–is with #1, maybe say “do everything in your power to avoid a custody case in court.” I tried to settle with my ex six times and he refused six times (ironically, the last offer was better than what happened at court) and that’s why we had to go to trial (puke). I wound up with a good outcome, but I realize it can be a toss up. <3 <3 <3 <3
totally agree about not responding to every email, to set boundaries for venting about divorce (to my regret, i really burned out a good friend of mine on this, and thinking the 'system' would save me…my lawyer helped, but we have to save ourselves). and i'm relieved that the ex's family is still in my girls' lives, I think they balance out the craziness of him, at least that's my hope <3 <3 <3
lisa
March 15, 2018 at 9:05 amThat’s a great suggestion, Jane. 6 offers? Wow. You certainly did everything in your power. That’s a good choice of words.
“we have to save ourselves” that is so true. We learn that the hard way. Although lawyers can be excellent and are a necessity, no one knows our story like we do so it’s up to us to ‘help’. Sounds like you did well in the end Jane and you’re still doing all you can for what’s best for your girls. Hugs.
Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
March 13, 2018 at 5:21 pmIn our state parents must attend class and come up and have approved a custody plan before they can have their divorce. I like that they put the kids first.
lisa
March 14, 2018 at 10:42 amYes, the parenting class is a good idea. We had that as well in Alberta. But the requirement is not set up for every Province in Canada, unfortunately.
Tamara
March 13, 2018 at 4:44 pmWonderfully wise. Although the court battle surprised me! I’m sure sometimes it’s really the only option, but I would hope not to get there.
And cutting off family is not good for your kids! Not good.
lisa
March 14, 2018 at 10:41 amThanks, Tamara. That’s true that sometimes there is no other option…but so rare. It’s typically parents fighting and not a necessity. Yes, not good to cut off family unless there is some damage/abuse. Thanks for sharing here I always appreciate your POV.
Mabel Kwong
March 13, 2018 at 7:08 amThis is such an important topic of discussion. Sometimes things don’t work out and divorce is inevitable. People will get hurt and it’s always worth taking a step back to see how to not make it worse. The point on not cutting out your ex is interesting. That person would have had quite an impact on your life, family and maybe even social circles. So going cold turkey over them you might be burning a few bridges and you know, although you might disagree that doesn’t mean they are necessarily bad at heart 🙂
lisa
March 13, 2018 at 10:20 amYes, my advice comes to those who are in the thick of it. Of course, there is bound to be hurt, anger and mistakes…that’s just life. But these 5 mistakes should be avoided if at all possible. Some people have to go cold turkey for a period of time but when you have children together there’s no such thing. Thanks, Mabel for weighing in. I enjoyed your blog about misconceptions about Chinese food. That was interesting and made me realize what a narrow experience I have of your food (yummy but narrow).
Bren Pace
March 12, 2018 at 6:52 amSpot on tips, Lisa! Thankfully, I didn’t have children to put through my divorce. I do have furry children but that was established when I rescued both “DO NOT TRY TO TAKE MY DOGS!” Thankfully, he didn’t want them. I cut all ties with his family. They never liked me anyway. And blocked them and him from all my social media outlets. I know there are ways around that but they aren’t part of my life. Be gone and move on.
Happy that you are here to share your divorce wisdom with so many that are going through it or have done so. What it boils down to is finding our own happiness and making it happen, right?
Have a great week, girl!
B
lisa
March 13, 2018 at 10:16 amYou did a clean break, Bren. I love that you made it very clear the fur babies were yours. I suppose without children, having contact with his family isn’t a necessary thing. How could they not have liked you? wah!! I think the blocking on social media is a great idea. Our platforms can be personal and why have them in that space?
This: “What it boils down to is finding our own happiness and making it happen, right?” YES!
Balroop Singh
March 11, 2018 at 7:56 pmI agree with you Lisa…lawyers benefit and earn from your battles! It is better to fight it out yourself. Children really get confused if they are young and have to be handled very carefully. They are the most vulnerable and can be easily misled.
Hope many readers who have to go through this emotional decision get wiser!
lisa
March 13, 2018 at 10:13 amYes, you’re exactly right Balroop. Unfortunately, it is the lawyers who benefit from this type of battle and the children truly suffer as a result.
Eli@CoachDaddy
March 11, 2018 at 1:18 pmGreat advice. I found it interesting that these things are those we’d want to model for our kids, too. It’s good behavior and it feels like it would benefit everyone if we would keep that in mind!
lisa
March 11, 2018 at 1:45 pmSo true, Eli. Nice to see ya!
Charlotte
March 10, 2018 at 3:22 pmSuch wonderful advice as always, Lisa. #1 I’ve seen happen far too many times and it’s devastating to throw so much money that could be better spent elsewhere. I imagine It’s also a never-ending emotional battle so whatever can be settled outside of courtrooms is probably best bet.
Hope you are having a great weekend, Lisa!! <3
lisa
March 10, 2018 at 10:14 pmYes, indeed. Fighting among selves is always better when it comes to the children. Thanks, Charlotte xo
Charlotte
March 12, 2018 at 8:49 amXOXO and hope you have a great week, Lisa!!