Are you like me and have a hard time asking for help? You don’t want to burden your friends so you tell them you’re okay when you’re actually falling down a hole so deep you fear bumping into Alice?
I can’t think of a more appropriate time than during separation and divorce that we require help from family and friends. All at once we’re single parenting, dealing with lawyers, moving, starting a new career or educational program. Yet we try to manage it alone. We think if we can’t manage it all alone, we must be weak. There must be something wrong with us if we need help.
Actually, asking for help is a sign of strength.
When we put it into perspective, we quickly realize most people get extremely stressed over a move—only one thing on our list.
The continuous emotional and financial drain during divorce could send us down the rabbit hole. You deserve a medal for what you’re going through. Don’t ever feel weak.
You are strong and beautiful. Strong people know how to ask for help when they need it!
I’ve often been determined to go unnoticed, the opposite of being exposed. I guess it’s from a left over childhood shyness. Always afraid of being called out in school and not knowing the answer, I would usually sit quietly.
I was afraid of being laughed at for asking the wrong question, not ‘getting it’ or (fill in the blank)_________.
Of course, as a writer I’m putting it all out there. It’s an extreme vulnerability. No one would refer to me as a shy person but asking for help might bring the shy, insecure girl back. It would make me vulnerable.
Friends and family would know I was hurting, suffering, worrying or worse, unable to handle my shit. This has always made me uncomfortable.
Even though I could trust, I couldn’t let my guard down. Even though I knew that if a friend asked me for help I would not only be flattered that she could trust me, but I would be enthusiastically asking her “What do you need?” But for me to ask them?…I would be exposing my needs…I would be vulnerable…
What does it mean to be vulnerable and why does our fear of it hold us back?
adjective: vulnerable
Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
“we were in a vulnerable position”
synonyms: in danger, in peril, in jeopardy, at risk, endangered, unsafe, unprotected, unguarded
Also known as the Fetal position…lying supine, with your knees drawn to your chest, protecting yourself from the world.
If you can pinpoint why and when you’re feeling vulnerable, you can also learn to accept it. Consequently, you may learn that there is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help.
Why am I so reluctant to receive help, if I’m so willing to give it? I suggest that this is a problem within ourselves and not with our friends. I would be willing to bet that 80% (8 out of 10 of your friends) would be willing to help you if you simply asked for it.
If you are feeling alone and helpless all you need do is pick up the phone or drop them an email and ASK for some help. Begin with “Hi, (Friend’s name) I’m feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I could really use your help with ____________.”
Not only during divorce is it important to give yourself permission to RECEIVE help, but during medical emergencies as well. Case in point, a friend of mine recently experienced a medical emergency. She was admitted to hospital with serious symptoms. What’s even scarier is that she waited to go because she thought she would be ‘okay’. A typical woman’s response. We don’t want to burden anyone, not even 911.
The conversation my friends and I had after this was the reminder that we are all willing to help in these circumstances. If we can’t get a family member there immediately, then we made a pact to rely on one another.
Also, admitting that we are experiencing a serious health scare and not just something that is going to go away on its own, allows us to accept medical help. Again, we make ourselves vulnerable when we admit we need medical attention immediately. But guess what else happens? We get the help we need when we need it and lives are saved.
And when we accept our vulnerability…we can then ask for help. Share on XInstead of waiting for a natural disaster, a medical emergency or the death of a loved one, reach out now. Overcome your vulnerability to ask for help. When that help is offered set aside your pride and accept it.
You are worthy of that helping hand. You would help them if they asked, so let them help you. It’s your turn now and there is no shame in needing. You will be happier and healthier. Let your family and friends give you a hand out of that rabbit hole.
Let’s fill in a few of those blanks, shall we? Question: “What are you afraid will happen if you ask for help?” AND Question 2: “How would you help a friend?” Share your answers in the comments section I’ll go first…
My answers; I was afraid of: “Looking stupid. That friends and family would know I couldn’t make ends meet”. How I would help a friend: “Clean their house or babysit/pick up kids.”
Check out Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability
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Samantha Reynolds
June 19, 2019 at 3:31 amThis hit me right through the heart. Thanks for sharing this amazing post, Lisa! I’ve always been a person who, as much as possible, don’t seek any help regardless of the situation. Even if I’m drowning in my own problems and merely clinging on to a positive thought, I don’t ask for help. I fear that no one will be able to understand how it really feels to be in the situation and that people will judge me for showing my vulnerable side. I’ve suffered from depression and sometimes, I still have anxiety attacks. Though, a few months ago I tried so hard to open up. I am still trying until now and hopefully, I’ll be able to overcome this. I love how personal your post is and it feels good that someone out there can understand. Thank you!
lisa
June 19, 2019 at 9:11 amHi Samantha, it’s hard to ask for help. So many of us are the same. I’m glad this resonated with you and I hope you can keep working on it. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable can open doors for you. Thanks for sharing!
Kimberly
June 6, 2019 at 6:25 amThis is such a fantastic post Lisa. I have such a hard time asking for help. HUGE. I’m not really sure what my fear is. I think it’s mostly rejection and being a burden on that person. I will say though that over these last few months and facing such a major life crisis in our family, I had to quickly overcome those fears and just tell people “I need you to do this for me because we are drowning” and shockingly no one said “No”. The people that I needed to help stepped right up to the plate for us. I will be forever grateful for them and I will always remember this — that I can ask for help and people will help. It’s not that scary.
lisa
June 6, 2019 at 12:03 pmThanks, Kim! I think you’ve nailed the fear. Being a burden is something I fear, too. I’m so happy to hear you reached out when you needed to and learned that people were willing to help! Thanks for sharing your experience as it will help others reading this. Hugs to you!
Chrys Fey
June 5, 2019 at 9:16 amI’ve never gone through divorce, but this post spoke to me on so many levels with the struggles I’ve had with depression and how I didn’t want to ask for help. This post will help so many. Thank you for it!
lisa
June 5, 2019 at 10:47 pmHi Chrys, I’m glad this was reassuring or a reminder that it’s okay to ask for help. Depression is such a hard one because we tend to downplay it. I’m sorry you went through that 🙁
Jeri
June 1, 2019 at 6:50 amLike many others, I’m not one to ask for help often. The last time I went under for surgery, I heard my surgeon comment, “She’s a pretty independent soul.” I did ask for help when I was going through cancer treatment in the form of my GoFundMe. I was overwhelmed by the support from people in the area where I live and also from my online community. However, getting sick like that really showed the limitations of my immediate family. I did as for help. My oldest sister came down for my first chemo treatment just in case I had a bad reaction. She didn’t even offer to drive me home after. Granted, the effects don’t set in right away due to all the steroids they pump you full of when you get your drips. But still. I live ten minutes away from the clinic, and it’s not that tricky of a drive with traffic, etc. But apparently you can’t account for how deep small town fears go (oh no, driving in a strange place!). Also, when I had my lumpectomy, my other sister came to say for a week. However, on the morning of surgery she freaked out in the parking garage and was having a panic attack about driving me home. That was a half hour drive and would start in Boise, require navigating the freeway (oh my!) and then to my house outside of the city. Needless to say, I could have just called an Uber, lol. Seriously though, I texted a couple of friends and my ex-boyfriend ended up taking of of work early to give us a ride home. It’s quite the thing to have asked for help, have a guide wire sticking out of your boob before getting wheeled in the surgery bay, and realizing your family does not have the capacity to step up to the plate and help you in your time of need. I have so many mixed feelings about them. Ugh. I know they will never read this comments, and I may or may not write about that aspect of my treatment. Next to no one in my family donated to my fundraiser either, so that was enlightening as well.
lisa
June 2, 2019 at 10:47 amAn independent soul—that sounds like you. Isn’t it strange about the driving? It seems to me that driving someone home after surgery is such an easy way to HELP that person. I’m sorry your sisters let you down when you needed them. Your ex Beau came through for you. He sounds kind. I had that same surgery, Jeri. I recall coming out of the exam room with the guidewire sticking out of my breast and then getting a mammogram with the wire in there…after I came out into the waiting area (before they actually cut out the ‘lump’) I got lightheaded and thought I was going to faint. I think it was a psychological reaction almost. My Beau was there with me waiting and that helped immensely. In fact, all the women there had someone sitting with them. It’s a straight forward procedure but not for the person going through it. I only bring this up to say that I completely understand.
Unfortunately, when we most need family that’s when we learn whether we can rely on them. Next time you’ll know to rely on the family you choose and not the one you were born into. A hard lesson 🙁 unbelievable they didn’t offer financial contribution for you either! Grr, :Q
p.s. I should mention my lump was not malignant so that was good news.
Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
May 31, 2019 at 11:52 amI think asking for help means you are strong. 💪
lisa
June 2, 2019 at 10:41 amExactly true, Kim. 🙂
Jane Thrive
May 28, 2019 at 10:27 amOh, I just love this post, Lisa!!!
Okay 1) I was afraid to ask for help because I was embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t just do it myself. 2) I can help my friends by listening and being a trusted ear in times of stress and worry — and pay it forward with re: to small acts of kindness and monetary gifts when I can…(I’ve had a few friends go through or are going through the TRO and/or divorce process in the last few years. I paid the filing fee for one, I gave $100 certificate for groceries to another, and just giving lots of support via text, phone, or general presence…also having one of my friend’s daughters over for sleepover or a beach day, etc.) <3 <3 <3 Hugs and Love!! What a great reminder how we are all apart of difficult world and it's okay to ask for help–to be either on the receiving or giving end. <3 Love!
We all need to
lisa
May 30, 2019 at 10:35 amThank you, Jane. Yay, thanks for playing along with this little ‘game’ 🙂 Your answer to #2 is so perfect. small acts of kindness make a BIG difference for people, often more than we realize. What a good friend you are and being able to see the need and help out is amazing. Not everyone does this without a request…$$ for groceries! This is brilliant. Sending you hugs! we all need to…yes!
Christine Carter
May 28, 2019 at 4:10 amAh, such wisdom and encouragement here, Lisa. It is SO hard to ask for help- to appear in ‘need’ when many of us don’t want to burden others or feel exposed. I often think “Other people need help more than I, so I won’t ask for it.” I think that perspective, along with not wanting to show weakness or vulnerability is a recipe for isolating in the mess and managing the overwhelm alone, ya know?
Everyone deserves help and has a right to ask for it- especially when they are navigating their way through a painful divorce and all the complicated challenges that go with that. I absolutely love that you approached this important topic with great detail.
lisa
May 30, 2019 at 10:33 amHi Chris, exactly true. Why do we struggle with this, yet find it so easy to help others when we see they need us?
I agree that everyone deserves to ask for help and whether people can or can’t will be answered. But if we don’t ask, how does anyone know what we need? 😛 Thank you, as always, for your kind support and sharing here!
Balroop Singh
May 26, 2019 at 9:50 amI think it is an innate trait of human beings…some feel shy, other’s feel vulnerable while some have ego problems. You are right Lisa, the moment we embrace vulnerability, a shout out for help becomes a natural reality. Thanks for the lovely reminders Lisa. Stay blessed!
lisa
May 26, 2019 at 11:12 amYes, that’s so true, Balroop. Some expect more than their fair share 😛 Ha! Thanks, Balroop!
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
May 25, 2019 at 5:55 pmLots of great tips here. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been trying to get better about reaching out for help when I need it, but I have a very stubborn, independent streak that is hard to overcome sometimes.
lisa
May 26, 2019 at 11:12 amThanks, Suzanne 🙂 yes, that independent streak is not easy to overcome yet it’s a good quality as well. Thanks for stopping over!
Tamara
May 24, 2019 at 8:43 pmSuch amazing tips. I struggle with this very much and always have. It’s definitely a vulnerability thing but also, I’m afraid to ask for help and not receive it. Or I do but it doesn’t work. It’s like I have to hoard my last resorts for fear I’d be nowhere without them. Definitely something to explore.
lisa
May 25, 2019 at 10:12 amIt’s an interesting syndrome. I’m right there beside you, Tamara. Still trying to get better at this, too.
DGKaye
May 24, 2019 at 4:47 pmLoved this Lis. I’m like you, the giver and doer for all. Sadly, I don’t get much back and I would never ask for that reason. <3
lisa
May 26, 2019 at 8:54 amUsually it’s the givers that never ask for help. You should try it and see what happens, Deb. You may be surprised 🙂 thanks for sharing and stopping over!
Marie Kléber
May 24, 2019 at 7:23 amI am bad at asking for help. Real bad. Like you it would make me feel afraid that people might think that I can’t handle it, like any “big girl” should.
The other way around, I am always the first one ready to help, I feel kind of sad if I hear friens telling me “I did not ask, I did not want to bother you”. No friends and no family members will ever bother me. I bet it’s the same for them.
Being vulnerable is not that easy. But you are right Lisa acknowledging it is being strong.
Have a lovely weekend and thank you for sharing some tips and thoughts on this subject.
lisa
May 24, 2019 at 11:03 amIt’s amazing how the ones eager to help others are hesitant to ask for help when they need it 🙁 This is the trend. Vulnerability is behind this whole issue, I believe. Thanks, Marie for stopping over and sharing your thoughts!
Marcia @ Menopausal Mom
May 23, 2019 at 1:38 pmAs always, you have shared some great tips. When someone needs help, they should never have to feel guilty or vulnerable, especially after a divorce, a financial setback or a death. That’s what true friends and family are for. As for me, I say ASK ME and I will help!
lisa
May 23, 2019 at 10:18 pmThanks, Marcia! I agree. Yes, friends and fam can rely on you <3