First, YES, you are worthy. WE are all worthy. Except isn’t it true that we have been either taught or heard that recording in our minds that says we are NOT worthy? WE do not deserve…but it’s a lie. An absolute lie. You are worthy and deserving.
| synonyms: | virtuous, righteous, good, moral, ethical, upright, upstanding, high-minded, principled, exemplary; More |
Believing we are worthy is the very first step toward wanting & striving for a better life. For example, accepting that we do in fact deserve: that mother’s day card, that hug, that raise, that promotion, that love…
Love. WE all deserve it.
One of the things we learn in an unhappy marriage is that we aren’t good enough. We don’t deserve what we already have, so who are we to complain?
I remember my ex used to tell people he paid for my haircut. At a social gathering, if someone complimented me on my clothing or hair he would quickly point out that he ‘paid for it’. I think he may have said how much he paid…and it was meant to be a joke but ya know what? I felt so small in those moments. I felt unworthy. Do I owe him for my haircut? Should I pay him back? Apparently it was his money…not ours, at least that’s the way he saw it.
Awkward.
So, this isn’t really about my hair or clothes. What’s it really about? This is about that little voice in our head that tells us the same stories again and again, one of them being; You don’t really deserve that. This will leak into all aspects of our life if we’re not cognizant of it.
There’s no denying that part of initiating a divorce is deciding you deserve more or better. It’s that wake up call that says ‘pssssst, what are you doing here?’ and ‘why are you putting up with that nonsense?’.
Going through the divorce process is a test of sorts. We learn how much we deserve. Because believe me, if you don’t think you’re worthy, you’ll end up with very little. The lawyers and your ex will tell you a story about how little you deserve so it’s up to you to thwart that.But this is true for many circumstances in life, not just divorce.
The bottom line? You have to believe you deserve it before you can ask for it.
5 Ways Feeling Unworthy Is Self Sabotage:
You never ask for more
You don’t expect anything
You’re afraid to stand up for yourself
You lose confidence
You stop believing in yourself
So, you can see how damaging this is…how can we change it?
Start by taking a look at where this attitude/belief has come from? I’m sure it’s not something you made up about yourself. It’s likely that this has come from years of being treated ‘less than’, ‘not enough’ and being told outright that you don’t deserve something because _________ (fill in the blank) reason. Recognize how untrue these statements were/are and reshape your thoughts.
Start a new story. Rehearse your personal ‘worthiness’ mantra:
“I deserve the best.”
“I deserve love.”
“I am worthy and accept my half.”
“I am worthy of and accept spousal/alimony support.” Because you are, and if you don’t ask, you won’t get—as the saying goes.
I’ve heard so many women say “I left with nothing.” I remain horrified by this. What part of their brain made them think they were unworthy of monetary support? You know what else? Almost every one of these women regrets leaving without some of their sentimental items and that they eschewed their opportunity for support. They simply didn’t have the fight in them or maybe deep down they didn’t feel worthy of it.
Remember, unless you were only married for a year, have your own fabulous career and haven’t stayed home with children—then okay, alimony support may not be a part of your settlement. Otherwise, it’s there for a reason and it’s up to you to ensure your financial stability and believe you deserve it and accept it.
I’m not saying we have to be greedy. Being greedy is when we want to take it all. I realize there are a lot of those types out there too and they do nothing to help the cause. But we need to stop being too nice, for starters. Being too nice is a part of not owning up to the fact that we deserve more. Being too nice is like saying that’s alright, I didn’t deserve it anyway.
image source; alwaysautumn.com
[ctt title=”If you don’t believe in yourself no one else will. #truth.” tweet=”If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. #truth. @lisalisathom http://ctt.ec/I3dSW+” coverup=”I3dSW”]
Are you worthy? YES. If you feel you are not worthy, can you change that way of thinking? YES.
Start asking, trying, believing and doing…and soon you will have what you deserve, the BEST.
Comments are closed.
Design by ThemeShift.
For Non-Custodial Moms | The Great Escape Divorce Support
April 23, 2016 at 11:14 am[…] Above all else, be good to yourself because you are worthy. […]
If You Live In The World Of Denial…It’s The Time To Wake Up! | Emotional Shadows
December 20, 2015 at 7:40 pm[…] You have a lot of potential […]
Kabie
September 23, 2015 at 6:49 amHello Madam Lisa,
This is my first time visiting your blog and let me be honest here, I thank God I landed on this particular post. I am indeed worthy and I do promise not to look down upon myself again.
I really do deserve the best and will never accept anything less from now onwards. Thanks.
lisa
September 24, 2015 at 9:37 amThat’s great!
Summer
September 21, 2015 at 6:43 amWell said! Thanks for this inspiration♥♥
chocolateandsunset.com
lisa
September 22, 2015 at 11:41 amYou’re welcome, Summer 🙂
Jodi
September 21, 2015 at 5:03 amSuch an important post, Lisa! I have to tell people this all day long and when they come back the next week, I tell them all over again! It is so ingrained that we are unworthy. I love the mantra. I think repitition is the only way we can change it! xoxo
lisa
September 22, 2015 at 11:41 amThanks, Jodi! Absolutely, the mantra and repetition can really influence our thinking. Nice to see you, Jodi 🙂 xoxo
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
September 18, 2015 at 8:56 pmGreat advice, especially for those lacking in self esteem.
lisa
September 19, 2015 at 7:28 pmAbsolutely true, Marcia 🙂
Dan
September 14, 2015 at 10:06 pmAgain beautiful stuff Lisa. Thanks for keeping me honest and grounded. So much of this resonates with me and it kills me (and forever will) to think I may have been …no, I was…contributing to this type of thinking within my wife…(ex). Your writing is filled with so much honestly and heart and I thank you for it.
lisa
September 15, 2015 at 9:39 amNice to hear from you, Dan. The fact that you can admit that you have been guilty in the past speaks volumes of your character. Learning from our mistakes instead of denying them takes a ‘big’ person! We all say and do things we later regret. Words are indelible in our minds. Thank you for your kind words and sharing your POV, Dan.
totally Caroline
September 13, 2015 at 9:05 amIt is so odd, because i had a conversation with a friend about this yesterday which left me feeling a little unsettled. We are all worthy and beautiful people. I love myself, but the truth is, I don’t know if i love myself enough. I think one of my lessons in life is to master that.
lisa
September 13, 2015 at 1:00 pmHi Caroline, feeling worthy is a life long process, I believe. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
Liv
September 12, 2015 at 5:49 pmI remember feeling small too. He still tries to make me feel small. I’m not small any more. Thanks Lisa. Great post.
lisa
September 13, 2015 at 9:08 amYou’re not small anymore. You’re as big as a shining star 🙂 I guess it’s part of the process from caterpillar to butterfly.
Stella chiu
September 12, 2015 at 4:00 pmHi, Lisa
Divorce is difficult event . But I believe the most difficult thing after divorce is you have nothing to live by. You can’t be too nice and deserve the get the portion you deserve. Of course it is not in greedy.
Be confident in getting your share.
– Stella
lisa
September 13, 2015 at 9:06 amThanks, Stella. You’re so right. We have to make so many changes and one of them is living on less—even with support. We have to believe we deserve that help.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
September 11, 2015 at 10:05 pmI love the positivity here. It really is hard to tune out the negative voice and dig deep to the “other” voice inside us that is rooting us on!
lisa
September 12, 2015 at 10:06 amYes, agree and we should always try to listen to that “other” voice. Maybe that’s our instincts or spirit guide speaking to us 🙂
Siddharth Sharma
September 10, 2015 at 11:04 pmHi Lisa,
Aha! Great post indeed here . actually we love to read about this article and this is one of the best post which i read today and you made my day by sharing it with us.
This is my first visit on your blog and now going to connect with you for long time 🙂
Thanks .
lisa
September 12, 2015 at 10:05 amHi Siddharth, welcome to The Great Escape blog!
Jane Thrive
September 10, 2015 at 6:50 pmLisa,
I just love this post!!! Yes, we deserve love, kindness, respect. Years of living in an abusive relationship took a lot of that away from me and I couldn’t imagine that i’d be where i am now…knowing that we’re worthy, helping (i hope) my daughters realize they are worthy, too. <3
Hugs!!
p.s. I think there is something in the air–I was just writing something about "being enough"…
p.p.s. and i think that's horrible what your ex would say. i would have felt the same way–that i "owed" and it would have made me shrink to the size of a pea. what he did was wrong. 🙁 i'm so glad you're not stuck in that mean world anymore! <3 <3 <3
lisa
September 11, 2015 at 8:15 amHi Jane, absolutely wonderful that you got out of that abusive relationship and you can find peace and joy in your everyday life now. From reading your blog, I gather that you are instilling great confidence and love in your daughters—the antidote to abusive comments. You did that for them the moment you left your marriage. 🙂 I look forward to reading your post on being ‘enough’!
Marie O'
September 10, 2015 at 8:19 amYou are great Lisa!
Yes we all are worthy. We all are fabulous people and we deserve the best.
You’re right, once we say “stop”, it means that somewhere deep down, we know we deserve better than this mess. Men are so good at making you doubt and making you feel you are not good enough. Never.
This thing about “not good enough” stayed with me for some time. My sollicitor helped me get the alimony. My ex was always behind saying you are not a good mom, you are not a good person.
He has not stopped. But I know now that what he says does not matter. I am great and beautiful and the best mum for my son. I learnt something out of this. And when I hear somebody laughing at my dreams or ideas, I just think “that’s ok you think what you want. I know I can make it. I deserve it” & I leave them there.
I see with have the same reference BTW (Louise Hay).
Love to you Lisa.
lisa
September 11, 2015 at 8:12 amAw, thank you Marie! This—“I am great and beautiful and the best mum for my son.” YES, Marie. That’s the attitude we need to always exude. It’s the truth. You are the best mom to your son. And you know what? When we aren’t the best, we always try our best. That’s what matters. I love that Louise Hay quote.
Taryn
September 10, 2015 at 1:00 amHi Lisa,
Reading this post was like a light coming on for me. It is all the words I cannot string together being put down in text by you for me. Thank you for the reminder of my worth.
I live in Cape Town, South Africa. My husband (and father of our 2 daughters) left us 6 months ago and moved right in with another woman and her child. After 16 years of marriage and 15 years of being a stay @ home mom with no qualifications I find myself in an awful fight for what I deserve. It’s heart wrenching that my ex doesn’t see my requests of a reasonable spousal support as something I deserve. Which makes it very hard to believe I am deserving of it. He too was the earner of the money and made sure our girls and I never forgot it and still don’t forget it. We are not yet divorced and I look forward to the day I can sign those final papers. By then I WILL have what I deserve out of our marriage. I realise I am worthy…i keep reminding myself of that fact every second. Thank you for an amazing article. I will read it whenever I feel my worth is fading.
Taryn xxxx
lisa
September 10, 2015 at 10:17 amHi Taryn, yes, you are worthy!! I hope you have solid legal representation to get the spousal support you deserve. I’m so glad this has helped you. Stay strong and believe in your worth—always! Hugs to you.
Vanessa D.
September 9, 2015 at 7:00 pmGreat Post Lisa!
I do feel that people who have been through divorce often find themselves feeling undeserving, and without care to address those feelings, they can follow us into all of our future relationships as well. I know I’ve let those feelings of unworthiness led me to invest far more emotion, care and effort in a past relationship than either it or he was worth.
When it comes to alimony, here in Canada usually it’s Child Support and occasionally some Spousal Support. I love the way the Canadian Government describes Child Support on their website. They use a formula to determine “how much the non-custodial parent would spend on the care of their child if they were living with that child full-time.” I simply do not understand the women who forgo Child Support because they feel it is unfair to ask for it. That money is for the care and support of their children, and it is supposed to wax and wane with the non-custodial parents income. If they lived with that parent and the parent saw a nice big raise, they would see some benefit from that raise and should continue to do so in some form or other.
lisa
September 10, 2015 at 10:11 amAbsolutely right, Vanessa! I like how child support is handled here in Canada. The ‘tables’ leave little room for argument (barring a parent losing their job). Unemployment means imputing income but that’s a little harder to get.
I think women who leave without child support may have had to leave urgently and escape abuse however, there is no other excuse to not have provisions for our children. Where we really need to improve is believing we deserve spousal/alimony support. That for some reason gets minimized especially if we don’t feel worthy. Thanks Vanessa for sharing those valuable points 🙂
Charlotte
September 9, 2015 at 1:57 pmI love love love this post so much, and yes–I wholeheartedly agree. It’s easy sometimes to forget that we are worthy or to come up with all of the reasons that we aren’t. Why do we do that?
I’m so sorry to hear that your ex hubby used to say things like that to you (re: him paying for your haircut and whatnot). I had an ex who used to make me feel the same way in social situations, like I was part of property that he had paid for and it was so incredibly disgusting to me. Anyway, it’s wonderful when we don’t need any kind of affirmation from anyone whatsoever, and when we also allow the kinds of people in who don’t take us for granted 🙂
XOXO and hope all is well with you!
lisa
September 9, 2015 at 4:14 pmThank you, Charlotte. Ya, it’s a possessive kind of attitude. Blah. Yuck. Accepting and appreciating the people who love us the way we are and don’t tally their commitment to us by things and money spent…that’s the place to be and we can’t get there without believing we’re worthy.
Nice to hear your voice here 🙂
Maniparna Sengupta Majumder
September 9, 2015 at 1:23 pmWe are definitely worthy. A marriage can be unsuccessful for several reasons, but seldom we find a girl truly responsible for that. We deserve the best and why should we suffer for someone else? It’s my life and I’ve every right to set my own parameter for every need.
Loved the quotes, I believe in them, truly… 🙂
lisa
September 9, 2015 at 4:10 pm“It’s my life and I’ve every right to set my own parameter for every need.”—love that, Mani. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts here!
Donna Merrill
September 9, 2015 at 10:04 amHi Lisa,
I sure can resonate with this! Long ago I was in a place like you described that I didn’t deserve anything. But to make a very long story short, I knew very well that I had to change that because the effects of that made my life miserable.
The first quote you put up by Louise Hay was the EXACT same thing I said to myself over and over again. I wrote it down, put it on my bathroom mirror, saying it the first thing in the morning and all through the day.
When I met my wonderful husband, I wouldn’t have even let him in my life if I had not done this affirmation. He was a good guy (my first lol) As we dated I repeated I Deserve! Now I can live my life with positive energy flowing in.
-Donna
lisa
September 9, 2015 at 2:46 pmYou’re living proof of the value in a positive mantra, Donna! I love your story. It’s so true that if we don’t believe we deserve something, then we won’t accept it. So happy for you that you found your man under such positive circumstances and believing in yourself! 🙂
Balroop Singh
September 9, 2015 at 7:47 amSure Lisa, we ARE worthy. When people want to belittle you, when they think you are so confident and your grit intimidates them, they try to make us feel unworthy.
I know some such people who made me feel all that you have talked about here. I know it since I was a child that a girl child is not worthy of anything good, that she doesn’t deserve to eat well, that she doesn’t deserve all that she is getting.
Nothing could lessen my confidence, their attitude made me braver. They contributed to my positive growth and I thank them all who made me feel unworthy because I have proved time and again to them how worthy I am and everybody can be.
Thanks for such a wonderful post. It boiled my blood once again to stand up to my rights. I always have!
lisa
September 9, 2015 at 2:44 pmI love your passion, Balroop. Wow, it’s really unfortunate that girls are treated this way in your culture. You’ve overcome so much and proven your worthiness again and again. Although, I would argue that you shouldn’t have to prove that—ever. As you say, it has contributed to your fire and convictions. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
My Inner Chick
September 8, 2015 at 4:15 pmIf we all believed we were “WORTHY,” it would be a most beautiful world, wouldn’t it?
Especially women who go thru DV. My sister NEVER thought she was worthy or valuable or significant.
the thing is,
she could have CHANGED the world!
xxxx LOVE from MN
lisa
September 8, 2015 at 8:20 pmYou’re right, Kim. It seems these abusive men work at making their spouse feel so insignificant so that they can continue the control. If we feel we have no power or value, what’s the licklihood we’ll take a chance and change our life? Not much.
Yes, Kay could have changed the world and she didn’t realize her own beauty and strength. Her memory is making changes and creating awareness thanks to you, Kim. It’s not all in vain. xoxo
Tamara
September 8, 2015 at 2:58 pmUgh, that makes me so mad about what your ex would say! When you are married, money is communal. Cassidy and I struggled a lot until we realized that it was our money, and not mine or his. But I bet you had gorgeous haircuts!
I’ve had a lifetime of not feeling worthy or loved, which is no one’s fault really, but probably a byproduct of having my father pass away suddenly. It’s definitely an obstacle in our marriage that we are working on.
lisa
September 8, 2015 at 8:18 pmOMGosh, money was his as he believed he earned it. Even when I earned my own money it went into our joint account. I had no problem with that except when he would monitor everything…
I’m sure the trauma of losing your father as a small child contributed to those feelings.I believe feeling worthy is a life long process. Obviously we don’t want to be self centered but taking care of ourselves and accepting that we deserve certain things is a big part of this. Thank, Tamara for sharing!
Chrys Fey
September 8, 2015 at 2:03 pmI think my sister is going through this now. Her husband put her down all the time, made her feel like crap, blamed her for everything. I really feel that there was some brainwashing in there. Now they they are separated, she has to realize she’s worthy of moving on and finding someone else. Someone who will treat her as she should be treated. But she’s not moving forward. She’s still texting her husband (several states away) about every two minutes. I fear she won’t learn she’s worthy and will go back to him. 🙁 I
lisa
September 8, 2015 at 8:15 pmThat’s definitely not a good sign that she’s still texting. Good news is he lives out of State. Once she gains some perspective and isn’t exposed to his put downs, she’ll hopefully see that she deserves better. It’s hard not to worry about her, I’m sure.