5 Key Gender Differences In Narcissists

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September 10, 2017

image used with permission from wikimedia

Have you ever wondered if there are gender differences in narcissists? Well, I wondered that very thing recently so I did a little research. Turns out, narcissists are more alike than different regardless of gender. That said there are a few specific differences in the behaviors of narcissistic men and women.

We’re Only Human

Before we get started on this topic, if you’re unsure of what a narcissist is, please read Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) first. One caveat I’d like to mention is that all human beings have narcissism in them. Normally, it’s a healthy amount that helps them accomplish goals, have self esteem and confidence to work, try new hobbies, and have healthy relationships. It’s when the narcissism is overdeveloped in a person that it becomes a disorder. I always like to remind people of this fact because it tells us that some of the behaviors we see in a narcissist, we see in ourselves in small (healthy) doses.

Remember that the narcissist will find supply not only in his spouse but friends, and business associates as well. That’s why it’s good to recognize the behaviors and spot when you’re being targeted and used for the narcissists supply. In this post, I show examples of the behaviors in domestic relationships but some of these could be applied to friendships and business partnerships etc.

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

Pre-Historical Roles of Men and Women

It all stems back to cave-man days. Big shocker, right? Man hunts and gathers and the woman keeps the nest and bears the children—blah, blah, blah. What does that have to do with 2017? Everything, unfortunately. I guess its ingrained in our gender based societal roles. Women seek material security and men seek power and recognition for the hunt.

What this means for 2017, is that women still inherently seek men who can financially care for them and their offspring. Men still hunt and gather, only instead of doing it in the wilderness, they do it at the office. It sounds archaic but as I said, it is an inherent need and not a primary basis for relationships. Gloria Steinem would likely cringe at the statement.

Not surprisingly, according to this academic study, narcissists tend to conform to conventional roles even more so than the average guy or gal. Why? Because it’s the easiest way to find acceptance on a large, social scale. They don’t like to stand out as being different or rebellious because that would not be conducive to securing their supply (victims). Instead, they conform to society’s gender role expectation to fit in and please their target.

Work & Domestic Roles That Provide Power

For example, a male narcissist is often found to be in a rather powerful work role such as police officer, teacher, coach, politician or religious leader. Not only do these work roles grant them a certain level of power, they also contribute to a traditional image. The man being the provider thus attracting his supply. I’m not saying by any means, that all men in these types of work roles are narcissists…not the case. Simply, these are some examples of the kind of work they do.

Narcissist women place more importance on their appearance, sexuality and charm than men do. They tend to highlight their domestic skills to attract their supply. They are also extremely enthusiastic sexually in order to snare their male target, but this will wane. While charm and appearance are important to the male narcissist, it’s not nearly to the same degree.

Sticking to traditional roles and avoiding being a rebel can work for both genders.

Are Men and Women Narcs Really Different?

On the whole, they are very similar and certainly have similar goals—that is to exact resources and use their supply to further their social needs. The main difference between them, is that men are more aggressive, seek powerful positions and expect to be rewarded generously at work. This is also referred to as the Leadership/Assertiveness facet of NPD.

While the female narcissist may crave this kind of power, she is not normally found to be seeking it. It strays from the traditional role of women in society. Simply put, women are considered bitches for seeking what narcissist men make their life journey—POWER.

Below I have summarized gender differences worth noting.

5 Key Gender Differences In Narcissists

She’s extremely concerned about her physical appearance-make up, clothing, hair and nails must be near perfection. This is all about snaring her supply. He’s extremely concerned with his income level, work position and is not afraid to be aggressive to achieve his career goals.
She begins her relationships with men in the same way, extremely accommodating and supportive. If he has children, she’ll nurture and care for them while he’s working. She’s a domestic goddess. What happens later though? She begins to chip away at her man’s dreams, goals and his overall person. She also, lessens her domestic contributions or forfeits relationship promises. He is less likely to give up his time to support her goals, career pursuits or domestic responsibilities. Even in the beginning, he will place his goals and career above hers. He’ll be charming about it, but he will not be a supportive house husband.
He must be in control almost every minute. If he can’t control the outcome of most everything in his life, including his wife, girlfriend or mistress—he will flip out and have a tantrum. She is willing to forfeit control for the rewards she will gain from her supply.
She uses her children as small maids and butlers. Children to the female narcissist are not much more than little servants for her to utilize to get out of her domestic responsibilities. Narc Men have little use for underage children. In their view, small children are useless and worse, compete for supply. As the children reach adulthood, the narcissist father will attempt to use them as a means to his end or as an extension of himself.
She is a drama queen. In relationships, she will be the one to call the police, make false reports. She has no qualms about taking her partner’s/husband’s reputation and dragging it through the mud publicly. He is cool, collected and remains in control of himself while spreading lies about his partner/wife.

In Sum

The key differences between the narcissist’s gender still result in similar outcomes—full use of their supply. Interestingly, from the research paper and articles I’ve read, the narcissist mother can potentially cause more damage to young children than the narc father. This is because of her domestic, stay-at-home role. The father is more likely to focus his destructive behavior outside the domestic realm, at least while children are young. That said, he has his own special brand of child abuse for teen/adult children.

It’s worth noting that males are more likely than females to be narcissists, based on the evaluation facets of NPD.

“…some scholars have noted that “the symptomatology of narcissistic personality resembles very highly the masculine sex role stereotypic of men in our culture, including physical expressions of anger, a strong need for power, and an authoritative leadership style” (Corry, Merritt, Mrug, & Pamp, 2008, p. 593). In addition, the prevalence of lifetime narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is greater for men (7.7%) than it is for women (4.8%)”-University Of Nebraska Study 2014

In conclusion, the gender differences are slim between male and female narcissists. They both lack empathy for others and put their own needs above everyone else. Their tactics may vary slightly, but their agendas are similar—that is to use and abuse their supply.

What have you noticed regarding gender differences in narcissist behavior?

Liked this post? Grab the books;

A Divorce Companion

The Great Escape; A Girl’s Guide To Leaving a Marriage

research sources for this post;

Gender Differences in Narcissism: A Meta Analytic Review

Gender Differences in Narcissism-Wiki

Image of woman; Unsplash by Matthew Kane.

health/narcissism/parenting/relationships/social stigma

34 Comments

Marsha
November 5, 2017 at 4:54 pm
It sounds like you’ve had a great deal of experience with NPD, Lisa. Both of my parents were only children. My father definitely had NPD. It’s an interesting subject to me.
- lisa
  November 5, 2017 at 6:36 pm
  Hi Marsha, yes, I’ve had some experience with this which of course, I can’t elaborate too much 😀 We should talk… thanks for stopping over!
Donna Merrill
September 22, 2017 at 9:58 am
Hi Lisa,

As always an interesting read. I agree with your points as I have personally tried this & I appreciate your efforts that you have selected this topic to write an article.

By the way, It’s always pleasure to read your posts and comment.

~ Donna
- lisa
  September 22, 2017 at 11:56 am
  Hey Donna, great to see you! This was kind of a time consuming one but well worth the effort as it quenched my curiosity and hopefully my reader’s as well. Thank you for the compliment, Donna. That means a great deal coming from you.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
September 15, 2017 at 5:39 pm
Wow—this is really good and very truthful. I never really thought about it, but looking at your list, I think I have known every one of these types of people at one point or anther in my life!
- lisa
  September 16, 2017 at 9:37 am
  Hi Marcia, it’s kind of scary how many of them are out there. I think it’s unusual to NOT encounter at least one. Trick is to recognize the signs. Glad you made it through Irma in one piece, Marcia and you’re all safe!
Tamara
September 14, 2017 at 8:27 am
Now I have to think about it! I’m honestly not sure how many narcissists I really know but I’d love to find out. I have never thought about the differences, but so interesting about the similar outcomes!
- lisa
  September 15, 2017 at 11:54 am
  Hopefully you don’t know any 😛 Haha. Thanks Tamara, I think it’s good to know these things…just in case one crosses your path and tries to stay.
Kimberly
September 13, 2017 at 4:34 am
I never thought that there would be a difference between the two – like I always thought that it would apply the same way between genders but I suppose not. Now thinking of it, obviously it would differ. This is so interesting. Such a great and well researched article Lisa.
- lisa
  September 13, 2017 at 7:02 pm
  Thanks, Kim 🙂 It was interesting to do some homework on the subject. Turns out there are more similarities than differences BUT the differences are worth noting.
Akaleistar
September 12, 2017 at 4:35 pm
Their differences and similarities are very interesting!
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 7:20 pm
  Thanks, Ashley, glad you found it interesting!
Christine Carter
September 12, 2017 at 7:31 am
This is fascinating Lisa. You offer such a wealth of insight and information. It’s all so eye opening and important for us to know. I’m going to be sharing this on my page so more people can be educated by your post.

Thank you for doing the hard work to help us all understand the narcissists- both male and female genders.
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 10:19 am
  Hi Chris, thank you so much for sharing this! I hope it does help people who may be interested. It sheds some light on the differences and the similarities of the male v. female narcissist.
ShootingStarsMag
September 12, 2017 at 7:11 am
How fascinating! I didn’t really know much about narcissism, though I believe a friend’s mom has it. It definitely seems like men and women who are narcissists have much in common.

-Lauren
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 9:29 am
  Hi Lauren, they definitely have more in common than they do differences. Learning to spot them before they use you for supply is the key. Not an easy task.
kimbacaffeinate
September 11, 2017 at 5:24 pm
Yikes. I know a few of people with this trait and keep them at arm’s length.
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 9:28 am
  Hi Kim, You’re wise to keep them at a distance. I’m learning still… 😀 glad you have it figured out to keep them away.
julie
September 11, 2017 at 11:27 am
This is a sad topic to me…as a psychology major I know a lot of these things. But to see them play out in my real life over the past few years has given me a different perspective than before. Great info here.
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 9:24 am
  Hi Julie, yes, I’m certain that experiencing life with a narcissist is so destructive that all the studies and writing really don’t begin to elaborate on the damage done. Thanks for stopping over, Julie 🙂
Emily
September 11, 2017 at 9:39 am
Thank you for sharing this. I love that you included the names of books and other resources. I will have to check them out.
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 9:22 am
  Hi Emily, glad you found it interesting. thanks for stopping over.
Beth
September 11, 2017 at 8:53 am
This is quite fascinating, I never really thought about how men and women narcissists would be that vastly different. And I think it is true we all have a little bit of that behavior deep inside.
- lisa
  September 12, 2017 at 9:21 am
  Hi Beth, it’s interesting. I was curious more than anything…and some of it didn’t surprise me at all. Yes, it stems from our ego and a small amount is totally normal 🙂
Charlotte
September 11, 2017 at 6:51 am
You did some incredible research for this post, Lisa–I’m very impressed! And that’s very interesting that we all display at least small doses of (healthy) narcissistic behaviors. Also fascinating to learn that so many of our personality traits can be traced back to caveman times. Thanks so much for sharing this, Lisa!
Balroop Singh
September 10, 2017 at 9:38 pm
Narcissism could be connected to early man? That’s interesting Lisa! The power that men gained naturally as providers must have given them an edge over women but modern women have picked up those traits probably from them only! I have read about some powerful women of ancient times too who could control the whole Kingdom! I wonder whether women narcissists could be as ruthless as men?!
Thanks for an interesting post Lisa.
- lisa
  September 10, 2017 at 10:41 pm
  Yes, there were definitely powerful women and are powerful women today, too. They are less likely to be Narcissists though. Where men in powerful positions are more likely to have the narc characteristics. I think narcissist women can be as ruthless as narcissist men. Thanks for sharing your POV, Balroop. It’s always interesting to get your input here 🙂
dgkaye
September 10, 2017 at 6:08 pm
Great! I’ll work out October’s schedule in a week or two and once I do I’ll let you know which of the 2 Friday’s I’ll put you in as I only do author Friday’s twice a month while I’m in publishing mode. 🙂 I’ll FB you with details when I get sorted and send you questions well ahead of time. 🙂 x
- lisa
  September 10, 2017 at 7:15 pm
  I’ll look forward to it, Deb 🙂
  - dgkaye
    September 11, 2017 at 8:41 am
    🙂 x
dgkaye
September 10, 2017 at 3:25 pm
Fab article Lis. Sheesh, I almost thought you were writing about my mother! Lol <3
- lisa
  September 10, 2017 at 3:48 pm
  Thanks, Debby. Ha! Sounded kind of familiar? Feel free to add anything I missed 😀
  - dgkaye
    September 10, 2017 at 3:56 pm
    That would be a book! Listen, I want to have you over as one of my guest authors, I’d like to schedule in for October if you’re interested? 🙂 x
    - lisa
      September 10, 2017 at 5:23 pm
      I would be honored 😀 Thanks, Deb!