A list of ten things seems to be a nice way to reflect on complex issues. You can check out my previous post listing 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Divorce. Although today’s list is similar, I wanted to emphasize some new points.
It’s like my older self is telling my younger (about to get divorced) self, what to expect.
Sometimes people impart wisdom and we listen but we’re not sure what to do with it. Or sometimes we ignore it only to find their words pop into our heads at a much later date (when we need it). I hope these words have some impact for you.
1 It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ll do.
2 Things don’t simply get split 50/50. It’s complicated.
3 It may very well be the best thing you do.
4 Co-parenting can be a real bitch but it’s not about you.
5 You’ll lose people.
6 Lawyers are not your friends
7 Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. Eventually you come to understand if those people cannot accept your genuine self—they don’t deserve you.
8 Nothing worth having comes without some pain.
9 Every end is a new beginning.
10 This too shall pass.
To summarize, Divorce is the hardest decision a person can make but it’s also well worth the difficulties to attain personal happiness. Marital assets and your ‘things’ aren’t always split 50/50 and require some legal advice to determine fair division.
Furthermore, lawyers are not our friends, so we must save our whining and bitching for the therapist. Co-parenting is a complex beast with many variables but it’s what’s best for the children in most cases.
We lose people and we find new people—that’s a fact. It’s liberating and heartbreaking at the same time. In any event, your divorce will come to an end, so this too shall pass. Better things are waiting for you on the other side.
[ctt title=”‘…when we reach a point where we can appreciate what we\’ve learned not only in the divorce, but in the marriage as well, then we have truly moved on. ‘ The Great Escape; A Girl\’s Guide To Leaving a Marriage” tweet=”‘…when we reach a point where we can appreciate what we’ve learned not only in the divorce, but in the marriage as well, then we have truly moved on. ‘ The Great Escape; A Girl’s Guide To Leaving a Marriage @lisalisathom https://www.lisathomsonlive.com/?p=10268&preview=true” coverup=”NTlQx”]
What do you wish someone had told you about divorce?
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Abhik
February 26, 2019 at 6:19 amhey, you said every end is a new beginning. so, what makes you sorry? want to live again with your ex? It’s complicated.
I think couples should discuss a lot before the divorce.
Emenike Emmanuel
April 13, 2018 at 7:18 pmHi Lisa,
This is my first time on your blog. I’m not married, I’ve not been through a divorce and do not wish to ever experience it. But I believe that it’s not the best option. Every marriage has its peculiar problem to deal with. If I fail to do it, it will resurface in another generation.
If you know what you know now, would you have gone for a divorce?
Thanks for sharing.
lisa
April 14, 2018 at 1:21 pmFunny how you landed here. The answer to your question can easily be found on my ‘about me’ page. As well, as someone who has not been married, let alone divorced, your opinion has little credence. Not to be rude, but your stopping over and blatantly stating that divorce is NOT a best option is like a person who’s never had children telling you your child is a ‘brat’. Best to keep those thoughts to oneself until you have the experience to express your wisdom.
Chrys Fey
March 8, 2018 at 5:27 pm#3 is the one we all told my sister, but it took her much longer to believe…years. She knows it now, though. In the moment, it’s hard to see how it’ll be the best thing you can ever do.
lisa
March 10, 2018 at 9:56 amSo true, Chrys! I’m happy to hear your sister is doing well, post divorce 🙂
Jane Thrive
February 28, 2018 at 11:49 amSuch great advice!! I’ve been thinking of a similar post, myself…and about coping and coparenting with someone who has such anger towards you…it’s so hard.
Thank you for being our divorce big sister!! <3 <3 <3
lisa
March 1, 2018 at 9:48 amHey Jane, yes, you should write that one!! You have ALL the experience. Aw, I love being called “our divorce big sister” 😀 I’ll be looking forward to that post and sharing it all over as it will help so many! (no pressure)
Susan george
February 28, 2018 at 4:47 amThis is helpful, who having trouble for divorce.
lisa
March 1, 2018 at 9:49 amHope so. Thanks, Susan!
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
February 27, 2018 at 6:58 amI love #9. Great list! Looking forward to featuring you on my site this Friday. Please send over your post, bio, links and photo as soon as you are able. Thank you ! 🙂
lisa
February 27, 2018 at 10:35 amThank you, Marcia! Yes, looking forward to being a guest at your blog on Friday 😀 Done.
Charlotte
February 26, 2018 at 12:43 pmYou give the best, best, best relationship and dating and divorce advice. I find so much of this can be applied to multiple phases but I can’t even begin to imagine how gut-wrenching divorce has to be on both parties. This though: “Nothing worth having comes without some pain.” Amen. I’m so sorry you had to go through this yourself, but so proud of you for taking a horribly sh*tty situation and finding the light and spreading these helpful tidbits to others in need <3
lisa
February 27, 2018 at 10:34 amThank you, Charlotte. It’s been quite the ride but well worth the bumps and quick turns. I do hope my advice and tips are helping those in need 😀
Vishnu
February 25, 2018 at 10:13 pmLot of truth here in your post, Lisa. You hit all 10 points accurately! It is both the best and hardest thing you’ll do in your life. I used to practice law before and can agree with your assessment of lawyers. I was not a fan of dealing with one when I was on the opposite side of a divorce. Not my own but for clients I represented.
Ultimately, divorce did make me a better person so I’m thankful for that. And my ex was the one who was more certain of the divorce and got the ball rolling so I’m thankful to her for that.
lisa
February 27, 2018 at 10:33 amVishnu, I always admire your ability to see the other side and count your ex as helping you improve your life. Instead of hating on her like many people do to the one that decides to end a marriage, you see the positive side of her decision. No, it’s not easy. This: “Ultimately, divorce did make me a better person…” Love it.
Christine Carter
February 24, 2018 at 7:34 pmI think of so many of my divorced friends and how much pain they went through, and you’re SO RIGHT- it’s never 50/50 split.
Lawyers can be an added major stress to it all, too. It’s all just such a hard road to travel, but I’m so glad you have used your experience to help others, Lisa.
lisa
February 27, 2018 at 10:31 amThank you, Chris. yes, it’s funny how lawyers are an added stress often times. And what’s up with the 50/50 not being the norm? It becomes so complicated…
Marie Kléber
February 23, 2018 at 8:16 amI wish someone has told me to protect myself, not to be too kind. I learnt it the hard way Lisa. Like you.
That’s why it is so important to share our thoughts and advice on the subject. Your words and your experience are helping people!
Sharing is caring. Always.
lisa
February 24, 2018 at 6:47 pmYes, that would have been good advice. I went in very naive and came out with wisdom. I wouldn’t say hardened but I learned lessons. Thanks Marie and your words are also helping many going through it now. xo
Jeri
February 20, 2018 at 8:18 pmI wish someone would have told me more about quit claim deeds. I got him to sign one, but even though he doesn’t have a legal claim on the house, his name is still on the mortgage. It’s the only thing in his name that is paid, so that means all the bill collectors who are after him see my associated name and call me. It gets real old, and just when I think the random calls have ended, I get another. I’m not responsible for any of his mess, but it sure is irritating. I know it will pass 😉 And now that I’m past a year of medical stuff, I’m hoping I can refinance sooner than later.
lisa
February 22, 2018 at 9:36 amOh, Jeri, what a nightmare! Is it a quit claim or a quick claim? When you re-new your mortgage you can remove his name from title without his signature, I hope.
Ya, this is a great example of something that a lawyer can catch and prevent issues in the future but it’s not something we are often aware of. Thanks for sharing as we all learn from each other.
looked like you had a super trip to NALA!
Jeri
February 22, 2018 at 9:50 amIt’s a quit claim. He’s quit all legal rights to the property. My lawyer did say it was my best option at the time, and it really was. If he’d been in a better frame of mind, he later said he wouldn’t have signed it. I probably would have had to put it up so sale then and give that beast part of the profit. My best friend has sold two houses that former husbands signed quit claims on without the need for a signature. If and when I’m able to refinance, I don’t think I’ll need his signature. The bank already knows he’s not in the country since I needed access to the mortgage interest statement which is only on his side of the account as primary holder. And yes, Mardi Gras as a blast!
lisa
March 1, 2018 at 2:06 pmThanks for clarifying that, Jeri. It’s good to know. And so glad you loved Mardi Gras!
Bren Lee
February 20, 2018 at 9:11 amOh my gosh, Lisa. Spot on, girl! No one knew that I was filing so I really can’t say I wish I knew. The only thing I knew was I was tired of the lies, cheating, and manipulation. I wanted peace and happiness in my life and didn’t care what it took to get it. Thankfully, now that I’m on the other side, I can say the only thing I would have down different was our living arrangements during our separation period. Never again will I live with someone I don’t love, respect, or like for that matter. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this! Fabulous girl!
B
lisa
February 20, 2018 at 5:13 pmSounds like you made a good decision to get out of that marriage, Bren. Still, it isn’t an easy decision to make. The living under the same roof while separated could try the patience of a Saint. One can always get out immediately and rent an apartment temporarily. You did good!! Thanks for sharing your experience here 🙂
My Inner Chick
February 19, 2018 at 7:59 am8.Nothing worth having comes without some pain.
Lisa, you inspire many…
including ME!
I tell my divorced friends about your blog. Thank you. xxxx
lisa
February 20, 2018 at 5:11 pmAw, thank you so much, Kim! Thanks for sharing my writing with those in need. Love you xxoo
dgkaye
February 17, 2018 at 5:34 pmGreat advice Lis. It reminded me of a line I heard in a movie once – Who gets the friends? 🙂
lisa
February 18, 2018 at 10:56 pmHa! That’s exactly a conundrum for all divorcing couples. It’s very tricky to share friends during the process 😛
Tamara
February 17, 2018 at 4:19 pmIt’s sad that lawyers aren’t our friends. In Jodi Picoult books, they always seem so amazing.
I haven’t been through a divorce so I don’t have any wisdom, but you have tons of it!
lisa
February 18, 2018 at 10:55 pmAw, I should clarify that point, Tamara. Lawyers can be our friends but what I mean is when we’re navigating a divorce, it’s a business relationship. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends after though. It’s just too easy to confess too much and quite frankly, they are expensive therapists LOL. I love a Jodi Picoult book and haven’t read any of hers for a while. Must get back to her stories!
Michelle
February 17, 2018 at 1:19 pmGetting divorced doesn’t “fix” issues…just because you get a person out of your life it doesn’t mean you won’t attract the same type of person again and again. You’ve got to do the hard work on yourself, fix your past and present to get to your best future. Your triggers will always be there if you don’t learn what they are and how you react and change how you see them.
lisa
February 18, 2018 at 10:53 pmOh, that’s a good one, Michelle! Thanks for sharing that nugget of wisdom 😀
Balroop Singh
February 17, 2018 at 9:16 amA very complex issue Lisa…most divorces occur when couples are young and they are oblivious of the hardships that would follow especially if children are involved. At that stage if they have taken the decision that they must divorce, they shut their mind out from any positive advice. Only they know the pain and its intensity. So they are the best judges.
I am sure if someone would have told you all that you wouldn’t have changed your mind. It is very challenging to move our of an unhappy marriage…all don’t possess the determination to do so. You are an inspiration for many to focus on self-growth. Love and hugs dear friend.
lisa
February 18, 2018 at 10:52 pmThank you, Balroop. You’re right about the fact that once someone makes up their mind, you can’t change it. I don’t think that’s my place at all, of course. This is just some points that I wish someone had told me and yes, I likely would have flipped the bird and not taken their advice 😛 until much later. Funny how that works. Love your point of view, Balroop!